Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

you missed it for 3 years? maybe you should have paid more attention to your DH. i think your marriage is done btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you missed it for 3 years? maybe you should have paid more attention to your DH. i think your marriage is done btw.

You are an @sshole. Here's the thing: the more invested party is not the one having the affair---they are the one working, taking care of the kids, making dinners, running carpools so the husband can work late. It is the less invested party that cheats.

Go f*ck yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

Plenty have said just that and yet...they do. When you had a great marriage and great love, it's more likely that you will stay even if it goes against every core fiber and belief you ever held. Never say never.

Read that blog posted about the woman that also felt the same EXACT way and then it happened to her....

Sorry. I know too many strong women that uttered those same phrases but the shock and reality when it does happen is something you cannot begin to fathom. And when you have a lifetime and kids together it's really different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair. I don’t have all the details but he has confessed it was highly sexual. Married 15 years, two kids.

I don't know. At this point, I'd ask him to move out for at least six months, get therapy, etc.

This really depends on how your relationship was before.

Serious question - Before what? Let's say the relationship "before" was great!

If this is before he confessed, do you want to go back there - when he was being deceptive, lying, thinking about someone else even while you were completely in the dark?
If this is before the affair, do you want it like it was back then - in 2017 - when you both were 2 different people. I'd think that even in the most faithful marriage, things change over the years and the people are not the same as they were 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Q: Is this compartmentalizing characteristic of people who get into affairs?

Dr. G. It’s much more characteristic of men. Most women believe that if you love your partner, you wouldn’t even be in an affair; therefore, if someone has an affair, it means that they didn’t love their partner and they do love the person that they had the affair with. But my research has shown that there are many men who do love their partners, who enjoy good sex at home, who nevertheless never turn down an opportunity for extramarital sex. In fact, 56 percent of the men I sampled who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriages were happy, versus 34 percent of the women.

The misconception is that if a man had an affair, it meant that he had a terrible marriage, and that he probably wasn’t getting it at home--the old keep-your-husband-happy-so-he-won’t-stray idea. That puts too much of a burden on the woman. I found that she could be everything wonderful, and he might still stray, if that’s in his value system, his family background, or his psycho dynamic structure.

Many of our beliefs about the behavior of others come from how we see things for ourselves. A man who usually associates sneaking around with having sex will, if his wife is sneaking around, find it very hard to believe that she could be emotionally involved without being sexually involved. On the other hand, a woman usually can not believe that her husband could be sexually involved and not be emotionally involved. We put the same meaning on it for our partner that it would have for us. I call that the error of assumed similarity.

I found enormous gender differences: that men in long term marriages who had affairs had very high marital satisfaction--and that women in long-term marriages having affairs had the lowest marital satisfaction of all. [/b]Everybody’s marital satisfaction went down the longer they were married, except the men who had affairs.[b] But in early marriages, men who had affairs were significantly less happy. An affair is more serious if it happens earlier in the marriage.

Only 10 percent of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that make it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two--disillusionment.

Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it is too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much.

https://www.shirleyglass.com/psychologytoday.htm

Shirley Glass is great. She studied infidelity her entire life. So much is not what people belive. Stereotypes prevail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--read this.

Then, go to the archives and begin reading her blogs from the beginning (Oct 2012-2019) and read all of the comments too.

You can follow the path of a real woman that discovered an affair in a long, happy marriage and month to month what she was feeling, what he was doing.

They made it out. It's the most honest and compelling account I've read. Shock will accompany you for at least the first 3-5 months, btw.

https://healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/category/my-story-how-i-discovered-my-husbands-affair/

This was a case of a very happy and loving marriage. It's a must read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

More like his wife. Sorry op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

Maybe but rarely. Even unmarried guys will "hide" a girlfriend for a long period. Some people will just never be a girlfriend. There is something about them that "can't be shown".

Men pick very different APs than they do girlfriends. A girlfriend you love and want to show off, an AP is convenient and disposable.

But that is not your business OP the AP could have been any disposable person, this specific one is irrelevant.

No one shows off their girlfriend when they've been married for 15 years with kids. What planet is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

Plenty have said just that and yet...they do. When you had a great marriage and great love, it's more likely that you will stay even if it goes against every core fiber and belief you ever held. Never say never.

Read that blog posted about the woman that also felt the same EXACT way and then it happened to her....

Sorry. I know too many strong women that uttered those same phrases but the shock and reality when it does happen is something you cannot begin to fathom. And when you have a lifetime and kids together it's really different.

Look, I’m sorry that this (presumably) is your situation. And I’m sorry that this happened to the lady with the blog. There are many transgressions I could forgive. An affair is not one of them. You just need to make your peace with the fact that you do not know me, a stranger on the internet, as well as I know myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

Maybe but rarely. Even unmarried guys will "hide" a girlfriend for a long period. Some people will just never be a girlfriend. There is something about them that "can't be shown".

Men pick very different APs than they do girlfriends. A girlfriend you love and want to show off, an AP is convenient and disposable.

But that is not your business OP the AP could have been any disposable person, this specific one is irrelevant.

No one shows off their girlfriend when they've been married for 15 years with kids. What planet is this?

And when they state she wasn’t that attractive to begin with it’s even less likely they want to be seen in public. Men almost always affair down. It’s why their AP will settle for scraps. He’s out of her league.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

Yes. They should always talk to the OP and their spouse if they are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

Yes. They should always talk to the OP and their spouse if they are married.

Op: other person/AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.