How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

[Anonymous]

I had something similar and mostly I beat myself up about how I could have known/known earlier or if I had a role in it. I really second guessed many interactions. Everyone processes things differently/at different speeds. In no WAY was I suicidal- I'd rather have had bad things happen to THEM at some point, but even then, I was mostly just processing my confusion over what changed, when and why.

For me, It took about 2 years before I realized that it was 'one bad apple' infecting another, which created some bond in them so that they would try to bring others into it, who either joined or ignored... and others in the social circle tipped me off, told me something was off with them (wish they had told me the words that were said, not just general 'feelings' as I would have separated myself sooner, had I known.)

Once I reviewed the whole thing and told just 2 close friends (including DH) I was able to own that my only sin was thinking the best/feeling sorry/making allowances for people. I let people get away with things, feeling sorry for them that I really should have called them on. A glance between friends here, a smirk there, phones going off back and forth where clearly I was being texted about right in front of me... honestly, it was so obvious I literally assumed it could NOT be what it looked like... but it was. I kept thinking I could make other feel safe/comfortable so that they wouldn't feel... whatever they were feeling. Will be honest with myself when I see this behaviour again in others. Won't make excuses for others.

What helped/helps:

-examining my role and knowing that my behaviour was above reproach- knowing that- I would still do what I did again (loaning money, emotional support to others) because it was the right thing to do- I can't help that they were dicks.

-Living your best life. I don't facebook but DH does and rather than drag him down into it, I just said I don't care if he leaves them on the facebook but please just ignore them/don't comment/I don't want to hear about them. Knowing that our happiness/success/fun times are documented and that it likely torments them is fun (several tried to still engage with me or others to find out how I was/what I was up to).

-Being able to identify it when I see it with other people so I can support others going through this- it happens a lot.

G/L, OP.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. Hugs to you, OP. It's terrible and your former friends are the ones who lost. Try to take solace in the fact that even if this hadn't happened to you, it would have happened to someone else in the group. Those people have unhealthy relationship patterns and will just keep repeating them over and over, no matter how much they damage people around them. They may seem happy but they are actually terribly insecure and desperately trying to cover it up. That's what all their Facebook posting and parties are about -- convincing themselves and others that they are popular and loved and important, because deep down in side they fear they are none of those things.

You are the strong one for realizing you'd rather have real, genuine friendships with fewer people than a ton of fake friends and vague acquaintances. You are strong for recognizing that social media is designed to make you feel left out and lonely, and just opting out altogether. You are even strong for channeling your feelings into a post like this one -- it shows how much you are working to move forward and make healthy choices, and that despite what happened to you, you are still open to the wisdom of others. You are strong for resisting the urge to email your old friends and tell them things they almost certainly wouldn't listen to anyway.

I wouldn't say this gets easier, but I will say you get better at it. I also self-harmed for awhile after it happened to me, and it took me some time to figure out how to channel my anger and feelings of powerlessness into more productive, or at least less harmful, activities. My go-tos are running, journaling, baking, drawing dumb cartoons, dying my hair, shopping for vintage clothes online, and decorating my apartment. I have also become obsessed with books and television shows and movies about people who are gossiped about, betrayed, misunderstood, or duped into joining a cult (I have come to recognize a lot of disturbing similarities between my old social circle and cults, it's actually very cathartic).

I agree with other PPs who have said that getting that email chain was a blessing in disguise. Think if you hadn't. You would have spent maybe years of your life continuing to believe those people were your friends and cared about you. You probably would have figured it out eventually, but in the meantime, they would have gaslit you and lied to you and made you feel crazy and dumb. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand why women do this to each other! It's straight out of junior HS. Do they learn this from their mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why women do this to each other! It's straight out of junior HS. Do they learn this from their mothers?

+1

Damaged goods.

[Anonymous]

You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why women do this to each other! It's straight out of junior HS. Do they learn this from their mothers?

Their mothers, their friends, their teachers, their sorority sisters, television, movies, celebrities. Most people don't experience to the same level as OP and others on this thread, but this kind of friendship (gossipy, shallow, backstabbing, two-faced) is way more common in the world than anyone seems willing to admit. It gets talked about on these boards as an individual problem, but I actually think it shows how much work women do on behalf of misogyny without men even needing to lift a finger. If women spend all their time tearing each other down, it sure does make it harder for them to make the world better for women. Look at all the "mommy wars" threads. So many women would rather complain about moms who are different than them than fight for policies that would help all moms.

[Anonymous]

A group of 40 is really large. Is there not anybody you can reach out to and still get together with? Did you do lots of things together? Where did you all meet? It is hard to imagine this large of a group regularly getting together as one big group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies.

Hmm, don't know that I agree with this. It really depends why OP didn't like them. If it was because they wore the wrong clothes or didn't have as much money or even that she just didn't like innocuous aspects of their personalities, yes, I agree with you. But if it was because they were rude or gossipy or racist or elitist? Then I don't think OP has some duty to silently endure that. I've been in that situation before and I actually do think people should have to pick sides when members of a group are doing harmful things to other people, both in and out of the group. It's okay to have some standards for the people in your social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies.

Hmm, don't know that I agree with this. It really depends why OP didn't like them. If it was because they wore the wrong clothes or didn't have as much money or even that she just didn't like innocuous aspects of their personalities, yes, I agree with you. But if it was because they were rude or gossipy or racist or elitist? Then I don't think OP has some duty to silently endure that. I've been in that situation before and I actually do think people should have to pick sides when members of a group are doing harmful things to other people, both in and out of the group. It's okay to have some standards for the people in your social circle.

+1

Have a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Did your sick, hateful and ugly (she has no shame being fake) ex-roommate ever get karma ? Gosh. I truly hope so.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I'm not the poster you are replying to, but I have noticed that people who treat me unkindly, generally do experience their just desserts. It may take time but it does happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. Hugs to you, OP. It's terrible and your former friends are the ones who lost. Try to take solace in the fact that even if this hadn't happened to you, it would have happened to someone else in the group. Those people have unhealthy relationship patterns and will just keep repeating them over and over, no matter how much they damage people around them. They may seem happy but they are actually terribly insecure and desperately trying to cover it up. That's what all their Facebook posting and parties are about -- convincing themselves and others that they are popular and loved and important, because deep down in side they fear they are none of those things.

You are the strong one for realizing you'd rather have real, genuine friendships with fewer people than a ton of fake friends and vague acquaintances. You are strong for recognizing that social media is designed to make you feel left out and lonely, and just opting out altogether. You are even strong for channeling your feelings into a post like this one -- it shows how much you are working to move forward and make healthy choices, and that despite what happened to you, you are still open to the wisdom of others. You are strong for resisting the urge to email your old friends and tell them things they almost certainly wouldn't listen to anyway.

I wouldn't say this gets easier, but I will say you get better at it. I also self-harmed for awhile after it happened to me, and it took me some time to figure out how to channel my anger and feelings of powerlessness into more productive, or at least less harmful, activities. My go-tos are running, journaling, baking, drawing dumb cartoons, dying my hair, shopping for vintage clothes online, and decorating my apartment. I have also become obsessed with books and television shows and movies about people who are gossiped about, betrayed, misunderstood, or duped into joining a cult (I have come to recognize a lot of disturbing similarities between my old social circle and cults, it's actually very cathartic).

I agree with other PPs who have said that getting that email chain was a blessing in disguise. Think if you hadn't. You would have spent maybe years of your life continuing to believe those people were your friends and cared about you. You probably would have figured it out eventually, but in the meantime, they would have gaslit you and lied to you and made you feel crazy and dumb. Good riddance.

OP here. Thank you, this made me cry. I'm going to start looking for books and movies like you suggest -- I do think it would help me work out some of these feelings. Hugs back to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies.

Hmm, don't know that I agree with this. It really depends why OP didn't like them. If it was because they wore the wrong clothes or didn't have as much money or even that she just didn't like innocuous aspects of their personalities, yes, I agree with you. But if it was because they were rude or gossipy or racist or elitist? Then I don't think OP has some duty to silently endure that. I've been in that situation before and I actually do think people should have to pick sides when members of a group are doing harmful things to other people, both in and out of the group. It's okay to have some standards for the people in your social circle.

OP here. To clarify, I didn't just randomly decide I didn't like these two people. I noticed they were always really rude to me when we interacted, teasing me about stuff and making little comments about me that hurt my feelings. I said something a few times asking them to stop (i.e. "Actually, that subject isn't really funny to me" or "that feels kind of hurtful"), but they didn't. So I chose to spend less time with them for my own sake. And I didn't go around bad mouthing them to everyone in the group. I told a very small group of close friends (three people) because I was hurt by the behavior. I did not expect them to tell others (which they did). I definitely did not expect them to gossip about it to the degree that they did, or to repeat some of the things I'd told them in confidence. I was specifically trying to avoid making people feel they had to choose sides, but it happened anyway because of how extensively the issue was gossiped about. Maybe I was wrong to ever discuss it, but I really was not trying to make it into a big thing.

I think the main lesson I learned is to avoid very large groups of people, especially if they talk about everyone else in the group a lot. I don't think there is anything wrong with confiding in friends about something, but I do think you need to be able to trust that those friends will keep your confidence. Mine didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies.

Hmm, don't know that I agree with this. It really depends why OP didn't like them. If it was because they wore the wrong clothes or didn't have as much money or even that she just didn't like innocuous aspects of their personalities, yes, I agree with you. But if it was because they were rude or gossipy or racist or elitist? Then I don't think OP has some duty to silently endure that. I've been in that situation before and I actually do think people should have to pick sides when members of a group are doing harmful things to other people, both in and out of the group. It's okay to have some standards for the people in your social circle.

OP here. To clarify, I didn't just randomly decide I didn't like these two people. I noticed they were always really rude to me when we interacted, teasing me about stuff and making little comments about me that hurt my feelings. I said something a few times asking them to stop (i.e. "Actually, that subject isn't really funny to me" or "that feels kind of hurtful"), but they didn't. So I chose to spend less time with them for my own sake. And I didn't go around bad mouthing them to everyone in the group. I told a very small group of close friends (three people) because I was hurt by the behavior. I did not expect them to tell others (which they did). I definitely did not expect them to gossip about it to the degree that they did, or to repeat some of the things I'd told them in confidence. I was specifically trying to avoid making people feel they had to choose sides, but it happened anyway because of how extensively the issue was gossiped about. Maybe I was wrong to ever discuss it, but I really was not trying to make it into a big thing.

I think the main lesson I learned is to avoid very large groups of people, especially if they talk about everyone else in the group a lot. I don't think there is anything wrong with confiding in friends about something, but I do think you need to be able to trust that those friends will keep your confidence. Mine didn't.

OP, you must leave this bag of rocks behind you. There is no need to carry it around anymore. Every time this situation pops into your head, envision it like a bag of rocks and drop it off your shoulders then mentally make an effort to shift your thoughts to something positive in your life, no matter how small it is. One small positive thought is much more valuable than a bag of heavy b.s. Do this often enough and you will see how quickly you can train your mind to leave this behind.

You are right that at this stage of life you need to avoid large groups. Who needs them?? If you have one true friend, somewhere - anywhere, then you are rich.

Not to mention you are forgetting the most important friend you have who you can always trust - yourself. Be your own friend. Give yourself good counsel. From now on, if someone treats you badly then tell YOURSELF you don't need them in your life. Extricate yourself from situations where they can be present.

FWIW I was in a similar situation only in was in the work place. There were some toxic coworkers who decided to target me and got supervisors involved. It was relentless and escalated to a point where I saw no resolution. Thankfully I was able to plan my exit quietly and without fanfare, and left one Friday without a word to anyone in the office - never to return. I don't give a crap what any of them think about me and have no interest in knowing anything about any of them. I dropped that bag of rocks. I have no regrets about leaving the way I did and went on to a very nice position which was waiting for me, working with wonderful people I trust and respect.

Drop the rocks. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I second the advice to try not seeing the group as a single entity and see if there are any friendships you can preserve. Groups like this are great for being invited to parties etc but true friendships are formed on the sidelines.
I am sorry this happened to you and I don’t know specifically what was said but it is possible that once the conversation got going some folks chimed in not meaning any harm. Everyone talks about people and I myself have said things about dear friends that I would not want them to hear. Maybe you have too. Definitely a mistake to put it in email.
On the other hand, i do find it odd that no one has reached out to you. If that’s the case it speaks to the superficiality of the group.

[Anonymous]

This group’s actions certainly seem extreme but as a reality check, who among us has never said a negative thing about a friend?