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[quote=Anonymous]I had something similar and mostly I beat myself up about how I could have known/known earlier or if I had a role in it. I really second guessed many interactions. Everyone processes things differently/at different speeds. In no WAY was I suicidal- I'd rather have had bad things happen to THEM at some point, but even then, I was mostly just processing my confusion over what changed, when and why.

For me, It took about 2 years before I realized that it was 'one bad apple' infecting another, which created some bond in them so that they would try to bring others into it, who either joined or ignored... and others in the social circle tipped me off, told me something was off with them (wish they had told me the words that were said, not just general 'feelings' as I would have separated myself sooner, had I known.)

Once I reviewed the whole thing and told just 2 close friends (including DH) I was able to own that my only sin was thinking the best/feeling sorry/making allowances for people. I let people get away with things, feeling sorry for them that I really should have called them on. A glance between friends here, a smirk there, phones going off back and forth where clearly I was being texted about right in front of me... honestly, it was so obvious I literally assumed it could NOT be what it looked like... but it was. I kept thinking I could make other feel safe/comfortable so that they wouldn't feel... whatever they were feeling. Will be honest with myself when I see this behaviour again in others. Won't make excuses for others.

What helped/helps:

-examining my role and knowing that my behaviour was above reproach- knowing that- I would still do what I did again (loaning money, emotional support to others) because it was the right thing to do- I can't help that they were dicks.

-Living your best life. I don't facebook but DH does and rather than drag him down into it, I just said I don't care if he leaves them on the facebook but please just ignore them/don't comment/I don't want to hear about them. Knowing that our happiness/success/fun times are documented and that it likely torments them is fun (several tried to still engage with me or others to find out how I was/what I was up to).

-Being able to identify it when I see it with other people so I can support others going through this- it happens a lot.

G/L, OP.

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