How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

[Anonymous]

You took the high road and it is YOU that have dumped THEM.
Remember that.

They know you dumped them - without a care in the world (as far as they know!!)

You are too busy for their immature nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you write an email, they’ll know you still care. That doesn’t help you. It’ll hurt them more if you never think of them again. If someone ever mentions anyone in the group, just say "wow, I forgot about them, how are they?’

That's all you have to say... and smile knowingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has embarrassingly enough been on both sides of this kind of thing I don’t understand how it could happen in a group of 40. Can you get more detail? Were there literally 40 people on this email chain? I just can’t fathom everyone totally turning their backs on you. It doesn’t make sense.

NP. I can’t imagine a friend group of 40 people who send emails to the whole group. That’s so completely bizarre and abnormal that I wouldn’t be surprised by anything this group of nutters got up to. (Are we talking about the people described in the “So who here went to the ballet coronavirus party?”set?)

I’m sorry you went through this, OP. You sound like a thoughtful person who has used your time in therapy very well. You are absolutely better off to have shed this strange crew. Give it a bit more time, and you will be thankful for the opportunity the experience gave you to focus on actual friends and nurturing relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has embarrassingly enough been on both sides of this kind of thing I don’t understand how it could happen in a group of 40. Can you get more detail? Were there literally 40 people on this email chain? I just can’t fathom everyone totally turning their backs on you. It doesn’t make sense.

No, there were only a handful of people on the chain. And I don't know if everyone in the group turned their backs on me. I just know that there was a group of people (like maybe 8 people) who didn't like me and were talking about me behind my back, and that some of my closest friends (specifically 3, but there were a few others as well) joined in and started doing it too. And I know it went on for a long time and that it was serious enough that people went to great lengths to keep it from me or to make sure I didn't know about certain things.

I have no idea what the other people in the group even know about it, beyond the fact that they obviously know I'm not around anymore and left Facebook. I had more casual friendships with them and some of them I barely knew at all beyond just being friendly at parties and stuff. When things went bad with the others, I lost communication with those folks because (1) I had no idea if they even liked me or not because of everything that happened, and (2) I didn't really know most of them well enough to reach out on my own, especially because it's not like I'd be reaching out to say "hey what's up let's hang out" at that point.

[Anonymous]

That's awful OP. Truly.

I had something similar happen but not in such a direct way. More typical - lost my 40 friends in the divorce, had one or two I didn't get along with, etc. Unfriended them on FB because it was too painful to watch.... but I never had to read the words. It was all unspoken.

40 people is a lot... are you sure that none of them are interested in you anymore? Is there not a woman or two you'd still have brunch with? Go to a museum with? Someone genuinely kind?

[Anonymous]

You should reply all “oops I think I received this by accident.” That’s it. They will feel badly.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe grown ups behave this way. I'm sorry OP. It hurts now, but it's for the better.

[Anonymous]

OP it would help me to understand how mean these mean girls really are if you could paraphrase what they were saying - but I realize that may be too painful.

Were they saying you have a funny laugh and they are so tired of you and Jon fighting every time the group got together? Sometimes friends gossip and it's not always flattering but it may not be mean spirited. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, and different people have different levels of sensitivity to such things.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m confused though. Because it sounds like you had an issue with two people and made it a thing (maybe trying to exclude them first)...

I had a strange situation like this happen. Someone tried to do something to isolate me. I think it backfired because I made a lot more friends but it sort of broke up the clique/group mentality which might be a good thing. The woman apologized to me but I felt she was someone I couldn’t really trust. I came out ahead by every measure but it still hurt to lose someone who I thought was a friend and also to feel like anyone who I treated with kindness would target me for something like this. The situation with her involved a lot of lying and covering up and I still don’t know what her motive was. It felt like a weird queen bee power play. She was very close with me at the time, more so than others. I think it’s her loss but at the end of the day these situations can be really hurtful for a lot of people involved. Does it make sense to maybe talk to the one or two people about it, I often find both sides hurting and hoping for an overall better situation. I’m still pretty angry about it but I try really hard not to let it affect any of my other friendships. Don’t lump all 40 people in with the 4 or so that are involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, think about moving after COVID is over.

[Anonymous]

Those 3 closest friends that joined in are probably really embarassed and mortified that you read their comments.

If that's any consolation.

Probably keeps them up at night. Regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:***Unrelated but Man, 40? That’s a mega circle. Neighbors, sorority, team moms? How does such a circle form?

I had a group like that. Three guys met at work. They each had their own network of friends. The networks cross pollinated. Girlfriends (later wives) joined; more friends added.

[Anonymous]

So, this happened to me. Even reading this post brings back the horrible feelings. I am sorry you're going through it, OP. For the most part, it does fade with time. But it's been over a decade for me and honestly, it never fully goes away. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. I too feel very rejected in life. I guess it’s just not my lot despite my best efforts to be popular. Yes I know it’s shallow, but I live for a party with pretty people and somehow I just end up there briefly and then it’s gone like a mirage. Yes, if I feel people distance, I move on, and yes I have solid friends, and yes I am better off on my own. But it’s not necessarily by choice. Sometimes I blame my friendless parents, my moving around, my adhd...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has embarrassingly enough been on both sides of this kind of thing I don’t understand how it could happen in a group of 40. Can you get more detail? Were there literally 40 people on this email chain? I just can’t fathom everyone totally turning their backs on you. It doesn’t make sense.

No, there were only a handful of people on the chain. And I don't know if everyone in the group turned their backs on me. I just know that there was a group of people (like maybe 8 people) who didn't like me and were talking about me behind my back, and that some of my closest friends (specifically 3, but there were a few others as well) joined in and started doing it too. And I know it went on for a long time and that it was serious enough that people went to great lengths to keep it from me or to make sure I didn't know about certain things.

I have no idea what the other people in the group even know about it, beyond the fact that they obviously know I'm not around anymore and left Facebook. I had more casual friendships with them and some of them I barely knew at all beyond just being friendly at parties and stuff. When things went bad with the others, I lost communication with those folks because (1) I had no idea if they even liked me or not because of everything that happened, and (2) I didn't really know most of them well enough to reach out on my own, especially because it's not like I'd be reaching out to say "hey what's up let's hang out" at that point.

Like other PPs have stated, OP - there are maybe 1-4 "Queen Bees" that are dictating what the others do, because the others do not want to meet their wrath (see: what they did to you). Now, what they did to you is based on a false premise, and you and they know this, BUT the others still do not want to be next. They know that the "Queen Bee"'s identity and existence relies on choosing a "subject" and cutting her down, even if not one of the things said about the subject (in this case, at this particular moment, until someone else comes along - that "subject" is you) is true. Not one. Usually, what will happen is the "Queen Bee/s" will pick something they hate about themselves (ie "SHE doesn't get along with ANY one!!!" - notice the over exclamation, often referred to as hyperbole, but might be said about you instead of them - who really are the ones who don't get along with any one, based on their history - the history that precedes them.)

Point being, the deflection is real. These people need help, not you. You aren't the one who has a visceral need to ostracize another human being for basically no reason but existing. Tell us, maybe you make them look bad? Maybe you call them out for the shallow, pompous asses that they really are? Maybe they don't want you around, because as long as you are around - outsiders will know the dirty truth about them? I don't think any of this is far fetched, at all - mostly because it happens all the time, in "the best" neighborhoods. They don't. Even. Like. Each other. I don't even think men know better, or see it, for the most part, they just get fed one side - sometimes they believe what they want because (for example) the (Queen Bee) wife's family has the money, and he know she better shut it, if he ever wants to see any of it. Sometimes men are just really stupid and naive, and don't know any better.

Anyway, what awful, terrible, insane people think of you is none of your business. Besides, these are NO ONE's friends, OP. Friends are not people you hang out with, to avoid being their target. My God, does that sound AT ALL healthy to you? I am sure you know better. Make your own friends, who are not shallow and disgusting excuses for human beings - who don't gaslight and say things you never said or did. Back away slowly, and watch karma fall in place. Because it will.