How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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09/21/2020 15:30

Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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Anonymous

Until about a year ago, I was part of a big group of friends. Probably 40 or so people total, though obviously I was closer with some people and more acquaintances with others. We socialized together a lot -- I would say I went out with one or more people from the group at least twice a week. We almost always celebrated birthdays together, went to each others weddings, etc.

There were two people in the group I did not get along with, but because of the size of the group, it didn't seem like a huge deal. I just avoided them but otherwise had plenty of mutual friends with them. And we'd go to lots of the same big parties and just wouldn't hang out. Again, since I was close to some people but not others, some people knew about this issue and some didn't. I never got the impression (over several years) that it was a big deal to anyone really. Not everyone gets along, it's fine.

About a year ago, I learned in a very upsetting way (via an email chain that I got added to late, that included previous emails about me that I was not supposed to see), that several of the people I was close to in the group had been talking about me A LOT regarding these two people I didn't get along with. I learned that it was actually a hot topic of gossip among many people in the group, and also that a lot of people, who I had previously thought liked me fine and with whom I'd always gotten along, had been saying some very nasty things about me. It turns out that the two people I didn't get along with had been very vocally complaining about my presence in the group for over a year, and that many people, including several people I had thought were some of my closest friends (not just in the group but in the world) had come to agree that I didn't belong and had started to exclude me from a variety of things I didn't know about.

Long story short, I stopped hanging out with any of these people and, over the course of about 6 months, slowly removed myself from any contact. I even quit Facebook because it had become too painful/upsetting to be on there after years of being part of this group, all of whom are very active on FB and not only post a lot themselves but interact with each other in a very public way. It seemed easier and healthier to just quit than to try and unfriend so many people.

I am not totally friendless now. I have a small group of old friends I've known for a long time, plus long-distance friendships with a handful of people I went to high school and college with. They are not the kind of people who socialize a ton, so even before Covid my social life had kind of died because of all this. In a way Covid has been better because it has made my small group of friend and I reinvest and we actually talk and message each other a lot more now.

I've been in therapy since this happened and it's going well. I've processed a lot of what happened and have definitely gotten past the immediate crisis, which was really bad. I was so overwhelmed by the rejection and loss of trust that I was in a pretty bad place, including contemplating suicide. I was also self-harming for a while. I've worked through those things and am in a much better place now.

However, I still struggle. I am not close to my family and never will be. When I met this group of friends over a decade ago, they became a kind of surrogate family for me and a central part of my life. Even though I have realized that they were not the supportive friend group I thought they were, I still feel overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The memory of everything comes over me whenever I am struggling with anything else -- work, Covid, my family -- and I feel worthless and unloveable. I just want to put it behind me and stop feeling crushed by this feeling of rejection and ostracism. I feel like a leper and an outcast.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? Do you have any advice for how to stop these feelings of rejection? It is so much bigger and more intense than any breakup I've ever experienced. And I'm in my 40s, which makes it feel lonelier and harder than it would have earlier in my life, when I had more opportunities for making friends and connections.

Advice and wisdom welcome. Please don't be mean -- I can take it (you are strangers so your approval is not essential to me) but it's just really not helpful. I'm just wondering if someone might have a suggestion, a book, an anecdote, etc. that might alleviate some of my anguish.