Reply to How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You're right to move on. And you're fortunate to have additional friend groups. Many do not. I do think it's sad that you decided you didn't "like" two people in the group and for some reason made it known. It's totally fine to decide that out of 40 people there are two you don't really care for, but why talk about it, thus creating a situation where people feel the need to pick sides? Lesson learned, I hope. The good old "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies. [/quote]

Hmm, don't know that I agree with this. It really depends why OP didn't like them. If it was because they wore the wrong clothes or didn't have as much money or even that she just didn't like innocuous aspects of their personalities, yes, I agree with you. But if it was because they were rude or gossipy or racist or elitist? Then I don't think OP has some duty to silently endure that. I've been in that situation before and I actually do think people should have to pick sides when members of a group are doing harmful things to other people, both in and out of the group. It's okay to have some standards for the people in your social circle. [/quote]

OP here. To clarify, I didn't just randomly decide I didn't like these two people. I noticed they were always really rude to me when we interacted, teasing me about stuff and making little comments about me that hurt my feelings. I said something a few times asking them to stop (i.e. "Actually, that subject isn't really funny to me" or "that feels kind of hurtful"), but they didn't. So I chose to spend less time with them for my own sake. And I didn't go around bad mouthing them to everyone in the group. I told a very small group of close friends (three people) because I was hurt by the behavior. I did not expect them to tell others (which they did). I definitely did not expect them to gossip about it to the degree that they did, or to repeat some of the things I'd told them in confidence. I was specifically trying to avoid making people feel they had to choose sides, but it happened anyway because of how extensively the issue was gossiped about. Maybe I was wrong to ever discuss it, but I really was not trying to make it into a big thing.

I think the main lesson I learned is to avoid very large groups of people, especially if they talk about everyone else in the group a lot. I don't think there is anything wrong with confiding in friends about something, but I do think you need to be able to trust that those friends will keep your confidence. Mine didn't.[/quote]

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