How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and in fact am friends with some people like this. The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others. To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately. And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely. I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too. And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand. The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days. You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.

OK I'll bite: What do you get out of those relationships, since you say you're getting "a lot"?

Also, do you self-identify as an honest person? Would you describe yourself as a user or opportunist?

Those kinds of people tend to have a good side and a bad side - they are great to you when you are on their good side, but will badmouth and gossip about you when you are on their bad side. They also tend to be kind of controlling of friend circles so while they can bring people together, they can also exclude people. So what do I get out of it? I'm USUALLY on their good side, so they act like a "good friend" in many of the traditional ways. They plan and organize activities that are fun and meaningful to me that also include many friends I like. I admire other traits in them, and just see this aspect of them as a character flaw. And all of us have flaws.

I think I'm 90% honest. I used to be a lot more honest, almost to a compulsion, but I learned that had bad consequences and caused unnecessary drama. No, I don't think I'm a user or an opportunist.

[Anonymous]

On the flip side, you could consider whether anything they said had a grain of truth. The times where I have made the most positive changes in my life is when friends have either told me directly or I found out indirectly how my behavior was actually being perceived by others. Not how or why I thought should be perceived, but how it actually was being perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and in fact am friends with some people like this. The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others. To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately. And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely. I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too. And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand. The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days. You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.

OK I'll bite: What do you get out of those relationships, since you say you're getting "a lot"?

Also, do you self-identify as an honest person? Would you describe yourself as a user or opportunist?

Those kinds of people tend to have a good side and a bad side - they are great to you when you are on their good side, but will badmouth and gossip about you when you are on their bad side. They also tend to be kind of controlling of friend circles so while they can bring people together, they can also exclude people. So what do I get out of it? I'm USUALLY on their good side, so they act like a "good friend" in many of the traditional ways. They plan and organize activities that are fun and meaningful to me that also include many friends I like. I admire other traits in them, and just see this aspect of them as a character flaw. And all of us have flaws.

I think I'm 90% honest. I used to be a lot more honest, almost to a compulsion, but I learned that had bad consequences and caused unnecessary drama. No, I don't think I'm a user or an opportunist.

How do you feel about the people who wind up on their "bad side." Have you ever known someone who was hurt the way people on this thread have talked about being hurt? If so, do you think you contributed in any way or do you just consider it to have nothing to do with you? I'm not trying to antagonize, genuinely just curious.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don't big group female stuff. I only get together one on one, in couples or with a small group of females. In large groups some females turn into cats.

I was part of a mom group that did large chain emails to plan mom's night out and sort of had a similar thing happen, but not exaclty. Whenever it was my turn to be in charge of planning I ruffled feathers. "OMG...I already told you I am am allergic to Thai, why would you chose a Thai resturant?" and "You know Tuesdays I have yoga in the evenings and Thursdays I have Zumba. I really don't want o be excluded!" Then ruffled one of the feathers of a queen B with something stupid and I "accidentally" had a chain forwarded to me where the queen B was starting some drama about me. I was really hurt because I had a lot of stressors at the time. I basically decided to very sweetly say "thanks for thinking of me and including me on your planning, but it's just a really busy time. Please take me off all email chains and I wish you all the best." They still kept me on chains and some put me on other chains. Eventually I just blocked all, but the one I felt was a true friend. About a year later I ran into 1 of them and she said they were planning something and asked if I wanted to be added to the chain. Gave her the same "Thanks for thinking of me, but no thanks."

[Anonymous]

OP I went through this in college right at the very end. A large group splintered and it was pretty awful for a while.

But you know what, I had forgotten about it until I read this thread and I cannot remember what the fall out was about or who said what to whom.

So, like all things, this will pass. Have faith in your ability to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the flip side, you could consider whether anything they said had a grain of truth. The times where I have made the most positive changes in my life is when friends have either told me directly or I found out indirectly how my behavior was actually being perceived by others. Not how or why I thought should be perceived, but how it actually was being perceived.

OP here, and no. I am an imperfect person and I'm often open to criticism and change. I've changed a lot in the last year as a result of this experience, for instance. If a friend came to me to tell me that my behavior was problematic or that I had hurt her, I would absolutely be open to listening to that.

I am not going to take on the criticism of people who told me to my face that they loved me and cared about me while also telling other people that they didn't like me and thought I sucked, behind my back. It doesn't matter why they said those things. If they had a problem with me, they either should have told me themselves or chosen not to be my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I watched this video and thought of you. Perhaps it will be helpful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDclCIFQML8

Thank you, I will check it out!
--OP

[Anonymous]

You asked for opinions. My opinion is to treat friend groups a bit more light-hearted, just people to socialize with and hang out with. Don't treat friend groups as places where you can let down your guard and be loved and accepted unconditionally. You will feel rejected.

You invested more in them then they invested in you. It won't matter if you tell them how hurt you are. It won't make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

You realise they were never really your tribe. They are part of your past. Don't continue to let them mar your future. Focus on enjoying the friendships you have. Focus on pursuing what brings you joy.

"Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, There's a reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big, where you're headed is much more important than what you've left behind."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and in fact am friends with some people like this. The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others. To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately. And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely. I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too. And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand. The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days. You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.

OK I'll bite: What do you get out of those relationships, since you say you're getting "a lot"?

Also, do you self-identify as an honest person? Would you describe yourself as a user or opportunist?

Those kinds of people tend to have a good side and a bad side - they are great to you when you are on their good side, but will badmouth and gossip about you when you are on their bad side. They also tend to be kind of controlling of friend circles so while they can bring people together, they can also exclude people. So what do I get out of it? I'm USUALLY on their good side, so they act like a "good friend" in many of the traditional ways. They plan and organize activities that are fun and meaningful to me that also include many friends I like. I admire other traits in them, and just see this aspect of them as a character flaw. And all of us have flaws.

I think I'm 90% honest. I used to be a lot more honest, almost to a compulsion, but I learned that had bad consequences and caused unnecessary drama. No, I don't think I'm a user or an opportunist.

How do you feel about the people who wind up on their "bad side." Have you ever known someone who was hurt the way people on this thread have talked about being hurt? If so, do you think you contributed in any way or do you just consider it to have nothing to do with you? I'm not trying to antagonize, genuinely just curious.

I am always very skeptical of anything bad they say about others. Sometimes I might disagree or at least question their judgment, but sometimes if it feels like they just need to let off some steam, I just listen. I don't pile on or get sucked into saying anything negative. I don't feel any differently about the people who get on their bad side, I really do just try to stay out of that drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked for opinions. My opinion is to treat friend groups a bit more light-hearted, just people to socialize with and hang out with. Don't treat friend groups as places where you can let down your guard and be loved and accepted unconditionally. You will feel rejected.

You invested more in them then they invested in you. It won't matter if you tell them how hurt you are. It won't make you feel better.

She actually didn't ask for opinions.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t a rare thing to happen. It sucks for you, but know that a lot of people go through this and worse. One day you will forget about this pain. Until then, take care of yourself and connect with others and live a well rounded life. You will get over this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe because I was supremely unpopular in middle school and high school, this has never bothered me as an adult. Who knew that bullying had its advantages?

Though I'm married now, I wish I approached dating with the same devil-may-care attitude that I approach adult friendships.

I'm weird. When people first meet me, the looks on their faces help me know how they feel. The people who stick around and talk to me are the ones who appreciate me for me.

You don't need to be part of a big friend group as an adult. Because I could never fit in, it made me be myself. Please do the same. You don't want to be part of a clique as an adult woman. It's too much pressure and the goalposts are asinine! You're awesome as you are! Find individual people who can see this in you.

[Anonymous]

This always happens in big groups and it’s terrible. I’m so sorry Op. you are better than them, what an awful thing to do to someone. Your friends probably felt peer pressure to join in, like dumb teenage kids. How immature of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and in fact am friends with some people like this. The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others. To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately. And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely. I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too. And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand. The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days. You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.

OK I'll bite: What do you get out of those relationships, since you say you're getting "a lot"?

Also, do you self-identify as an honest person? Would you describe yourself as a user or opportunist?

Those kinds of people tend to have a good side and a bad side - they are great to you when you are on their good side, but will badmouth and gossip about you when you are on their bad side. They also tend to be kind of controlling of friend circles so while they can bring people together, they can also exclude people. So what do I get out of it? I'm USUALLY on their good side, so they act like a "good friend" in many of the traditional ways. They plan and organize activities that are fun and meaningful to me that also include many friends I like. I admire other traits in them, and just see this aspect of them as a character flaw. And all of us have flaws.

I think I'm 90% honest. I used to be a lot more honest, almost to a compulsion, but I learned that had bad consequences and caused unnecessary drama. No, I don't think I'm a user or an opportunist.

How do you feel about the people who wind up on their "bad side." Have you ever known someone who was hurt the way people on this thread have talked about being hurt? If so, do you think you contributed in any way or do you just consider it to have nothing to do with you? I'm not trying to antagonize, genuinely just curious.

I am always very skeptical of anything bad they say about others. Sometimes I might disagree or at least question their judgment, but sometimes if it feels like they just need to let off some steam, I just listen. I don't pile on or get sucked into saying anything negative. I don't feel any differently about the people who get on their bad side, I really do just try to stay out of that drama.

So that’s how you handle the gossip, but how do you handle it when they exclude people? Or, when they are bad mouthing someone, even if you don’t believe it, do you ever correct what you know to be false info or things taken out of context?

I think if you are passively sitting by while people do this stuff it raises some questions about your character. I know lots of people who don’t behave this way, so I don’t think it’s that hard to avoid when making friends.