How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

[Anonymous]

Wow...a group of 40-somethings who would be talking shit about a friend like that in an actual email chain? Unless you did something truly egregious to someone, you file this one under “Blessing, Not a Curse”. I can imagine how much it must have hurt your feelings, and that really really sucks, but holy crap. You are better off not wasting any more of your life on these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like a huge blow that would hurt anyone for years, and for years to come.

I know this will be unpopular advice, but if I were in your shoes, I would reply to the chain email, tell everyone how deeply hurt you were to read it to the point that you contemplated suicide, that you cherished their friendship and that you have moved on but you will never, ever forget their callous and hurtful behavior.

I would hit send and then forget about them. You will never really get over this, and it would be helpful to you and to them to let them have a bit of a souvenir of what they've done to another human being. (I usually advocate for taking the high road, but I think in this case hitting send on that email would be healing for you.)

OP here. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to do something like this. This is probably the thing I fantasize about the most with regards to all of this. I wouldn't reply to that email chain (there was fallout after that as I had conversations with people in the group based on what I had seen and it just got worse and worse). But I've drafted an email like what you describe probably five times.

But something I talk with my therapist about a lot is that I need to separate my need for closure (a way to turn the page on this) from my need for the love/approval of the people in this group (which it is clear I'll never get). I LOVE the idea of finally being about to tell people, on my own terms, what happened and how it hurt me. But I am afraid that even if I told myself it was just for closure, some part of me would be hoping that people in the group would read it and totally change their minds about me. Or that people who never really disliked me but also never spoke up on my behalf might finally do so. Or that the people who did the worst things would suddenly be seen by the group for what they really are. No matter how much I tell myself that this is just about closure, I think it would be really hard not to also hope that an email like that could be persuasive, or damning.

And since my whole goal is to stop caring what those people think, so that I can stop feeling hurt by their rejection, I think communicating with them could potentially hurt more than it helps. What if people reply to my email? Or perhaps, what if no one replies? I don't want to go through that again. I need to find a way to move on without involving them.

[Anonymous]

I would swear a person I know wrote this, except she’s in her 30s, not 40s. There was a big blow up in the group and she was largely collateral damage. I have no idea what happened with the larger group, but about half of us continue to hang out without the other half which caused most of the problems. OP can you reach out to some of the individuals who weren’t involved with the people who were nasty to you? It’s probable that the group might have experienced a larger shift in membership/friendships and might be in a different place now. Sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Cut them off like a cancer and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would swear a person I know wrote this, except she’s in her 30s, not 40s. There was a big blow up in the group and she was largely collateral damage. I have no idea what happened with the larger group, but about half of us continue to hang out without the other half which caused most of the problems. OP can you reach out to some of the individuals who weren’t involved with the people who were nasty to you? It’s probable that the group might have experienced a larger shift in membership/friendships and might be in a different place now. Sorry this happened to you.

I could never trust them. I was shocked when I found out what people had said about me behind my back. People who had called me one of their closest friends, and had said they loved me and that I really mattered to them, said such callous, cruel things about my personality that I was shocked. They were laughing about me. Thinking about it right now makes me feel almost crazy. I felt like such a fool, like I'd spent years thinking I was friends with a bunch of people, all while they were getting together to talk shit about me and laugh at me. I wish I could convey how much this messed me up. I could never, ever trust any of them again. I think even if one of them came to me and said that they had cut all ties with the others, I'd assume it was some kind of set up. That may sound paranoid but I think it's a necessary attitude after what happened. I don't want any of them in my life ever again.

[Anonymous]

If you write an email, they’ll know you still care. That doesn’t help you. It’ll hurt them more if you never think of them again. If someone ever mentions anyone in the group, just say "wow, I forgot about them, how are they?’

[Anonymous]

Yeah op don't send the email. write it out on a paper and then burn it or tear it up and forget it. That's more dignified and you won't have to worry about blow back. Which you would definitely get. Either abuse or ignored. Neither is a good experience so don't open yourself up to it. Please.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. After a few years they will individually crawl back to you claiming that they were not part of the drama.

[Anonymous]

I had something similar happen to me but it was my playgroup/mommy group. I found out in a super weird way that they were all talking about me behind my back. These were people I knew from the time my child was born until he was 10. I just left the group, unfriended everyone on fb, and sent on email that basically laid out what I found out. 5 years later everyone is still friends and every once in a while a friend of a friend will like a picture and it is like a punch in the gut. But I’m better off without them because I’m 100% sure they are all still talking about each other behind their backs. They just moved on to someone else. Remember that this is not how true friends behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah op don't send the email. write it out on a paper and then burn it or tear it up and forget it. That's more dignified and you won't have to worry about blow back. Which you would definitely get. Either abuse or ignored. Neither is a good experience so don't open yourself up to it. Please.

OP here. I hear you and I agree. There was a time when I really wanted to send them something but my therapist just kept suggesting that I wait a couple weeks and then revisit it. As time went on and we discussed it, I realized that nothing good would come of it.

Mostly I am looking for things I can do on my own, or ways to frame the whole thing in my mind to help me move on. Specifically I just hate these feelings of shame/embarassment that come over me whenever I think about it. That's why I say ostracized -- that's really what it felt and still feels like. I sometimes worry that other people in my life -- coworkers or neighbors -- will find out about this somehow and think that I'm a huge loser. Especially since the group was so large. It is a very powerless feeling. I really don't feel like I *did* anything to deserve this, other than just not particularly like a couple people that others did like. It is so surreal to me.

My hope is that it fades with time. It is encouraging to read the comments on this threat. Thank you everyone for being supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had something similar happen to me but it was my playgroup/mommy group. I found out in a super weird way that they were all talking about me behind my back. These were people I knew from the time my child was born until he was 10. I just left the group, unfriended everyone on fb, and sent on email that basically laid out what I found out. 5 years later everyone is still friends and every once in a while a friend of a friend will like a picture and it is like a punch in the gut. But I’m better off without them because I’m 100% sure they are all still talking about each other behind their backs. They just moved on to someone else. Remember that this is not how true friends behave.

OP here. I am so sorry that happened to you. Yes, it is the talking about me behind my back that hurts the most. I do not understand, if the people I was close to were upset with me or their attitudes towards me had changed, why they wouldn't just talk to me directly. I don't understand why they continued to act friendly to my face when all this was going on. That's the part that makes no sense to me. It's like they were trying to keep me around for the sole purpose of trashing me behind my back.

Since Covid, a couple people in the group have liked photos of me that a family member posted (no idea why they are friends with this family member on social media but whatever), and seeing it freaked me out. I spent a bunch of time debating in my mind if they were doing it because they missed me and felt guilty, or because they wanted to see how I'd react. I hate it. I just don't want to think about any of them at all.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has embarrassingly enough been on both sides of this kind of thing I don’t understand how it could happen in a group of 40. Can you get more detail? Were there literally 40 people on this email chain? I just can’t fathom everyone totally turning their backs on you. It doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

It sound like those two people (that you didn't like) were bullies. If they are "queen bees" as I've seen that expression on here - then all the others - even those people that actually probably do like you - just went along with snubbing you. It's a shame but they gave in to those two people.
I bet the ones you were closest to, did like you and probably still do - you can't trust them though because they did not stand up for you, they were too concerned about being well-liked themselves.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT reply to the email. It’s in the past.

You’ve moved on. The pain will lessen over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would swear a person I know wrote this, except she’s in her 30s, not 40s. There was a big blow up in the group and she was largely collateral damage. I have no idea what happened with the larger group, but about half of us continue to hang out without the other half which caused most of the problems. OP can you reach out to some of the individuals who weren’t involved with the people who were nasty to you? It’s probable that the group might have experienced a larger shift in membership/friendships and might be in a different place now. Sorry this happened to you.

I could never trust them. I was shocked when I found out what people had said about me behind my back. People who had called me one of their closest friends, and had said they loved me and that I really mattered to them, said such callous, cruel things about my personality that I was shocked. They were laughing about me. Thinking about it right now makes me feel almost crazy. I felt like such a fool, like I'd spent years thinking I was friends with a bunch of people, all while they were getting together to talk shit about me and laugh at me. I wish I could convey how much this messed me up. I could never, ever trust any of them again. I think even if one of them came to me and said that they had cut all ties with the others, I'd assume it was some kind of set up. That may sound paranoid but I think it's a necessary attitude after what happened. I don't want any of them in my life ever again.

They are VERY immature!