How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Until about a year ago, I was part of a big group of friends. Probably 40 or so people total, though obviously I was closer with some people and more acquaintances with others. We socialized together a lot -- I would say I went out with one or more people from the group at least twice a week. We almost always celebrated birthdays together, went to each others weddings, etc.

There were two people in the group I did not get along with, but because of the size of the group, it didn't seem like a huge deal. I just avoided them but otherwise had plenty of mutual friends with them. And we'd go to lots of the same big parties and just wouldn't hang out. Again, since I was close to some people but not others, some people knew about this issue and some didn't. I never got the impression (over several years) that it was a big deal to anyone really. Not everyone gets along, it's fine.

About a year ago, I learned in a very upsetting way (via an email chain that I got added to late, that included previous emails about me that I was not supposed to see), that several of the people I was close to in the group had been talking about me A LOT regarding these two people I didn't get along with. I learned that it was actually a hot topic of gossip among many people in the group, and also that a lot of people, who I had previously thought liked me fine and with whom I'd always gotten along, had been saying some very nasty things about me. It turns out that the two people I didn't get along with had been very vocally complaining about my presence in the group for over a year, and that many people, including several people I had thought were some of my closest friends (not just in the group but in the world) had come to agree that I didn't belong and had started to exclude me from a variety of things I didn't know about.




Is this a church group? Something sort of similar happened to me in a church group. You can't replace family with outside groups is something I learned the hard way. If you don't have a supportive family you just have to find a way to manage. People are just mostly out for themselves and if they are threatened they will turn on you. Even my closest friend for 20 years stopped talking to me after I had a baby and we had a falling out.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP who's been ostracized. It's been 4 yrs for me. Question for you all. A member of that old group keeps reaching out about hanging out. I know she's still part of the group. She's on the fringes, and I don't think she really knows what went down/is a pollyanna type, but I also 100 percent agree with prior posters who says that you have to cut all these people out as they were complicit and you'll never trust them. What to do?

I have been ignoring the texts/social media tags. I am not a cruel person, so it feels cruel to ignore/ghost her. But, I also don't want to say "hey, you're friends with terrible people who treated me horrifically, so I will never feel warm-fuzzy about you again." What to do? Complication: She lives in my neighborhood and kids go to same school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who's been ostracized. It's been 4 yrs for me. Question for you all. A member of that old group keeps reaching out about hanging out. I know she's still part of the group. She's on the fringes, and I don't think she really knows what went down/is a pollyanna type, but I also 100 percent agree with prior posters who says that you have to cut all these people out as they were complicit and you'll never trust them. What to do?

I have been ignoring the texts/social media tags. I am not a cruel person, so it feels cruel to ignore/ghost her. But, I also don't want to say "hey, you're friends with terrible people who treated me horrifically, so I will never feel warm-fuzzy about you again." What to do? Complication: She lives in my neighborhood and kids go to same school.

I would meet her for a coffee and hear what she has to say. She may be well intentioned and actually like you as a person and miss you as a friend. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the advice to try not seeing the group as a single entity and see if there are any friendships you can preserve. Groups like this are great for being invited to parties etc but true friendships are formed on the sidelines.
I am sorry this happened to you and I don’t know specifically what was said but it is possible that once the conversation got going some folks chimed in not meaning any harm. Everyone talks about people and I myself have said things about dear friends that I would not want them to hear. Maybe you have too. Definitely a mistake to put it in email.
On the other hand, i do find it odd that no one has reached out to you. If that’s the case it speaks to the superficiality of the group.

No way dude. Anyone from this POS group of people will take any info from OP directly back to them. Her existence should not be the meat that feeds these gossip hounds. Good riddance ALL OF THEM. If no one had the backbone to stand up for or alert OP to whet was happening before the email then she has absolutely no need to deal with any of them again. F__k all of them. The whole bunch is rotten.

Seconded, though my view is more nuanced.

I'm sure there are worthwhile people in a group of 40 friends, even if some of them turned out to be jerks. In fact, I would bet that even among the group that participated in this email chain or the underlying gossip. there are some decent folks with whom, under other circumstances, you could have a great friendship.

These are not other circumstances. This kind of gossip is like a virus. Even if you found someone from the group who was kind, what happens when these other people find out she is hanging out with you? They are gonna pump her for information. And even if she says no, I'm not going to talk about Larla, that in itself will become gossip fodder ("Did you hear Kelly has been hanging out with Larla, but they don't want anyone to know about it?!"). When people get into the habit of talking about each other in this way, it never ends. I wouldn't be surprised if someone from that group has seen this thread on DCUM, and contacted others saying something like "OMG, do you think this is Larla, lol." Even better, I bet there are people who are not part of OP's old friend group who saw this thread and wondered if it was about them. These groups are incredibly predictable. They thrive on drama, in-group/out-group dynamics, an economy of gossip. There is not changing it. As OP demonstrates, people don't naturally just mature out of it, either. There are groups like this in senior citizen homes.

Judge people by the company they keep. Anyone participating in a group like this has misaligned priorities and is not to be trusted. I'd throw OP, back when she was with these folks, into that category. I'm sorry this happened to her but glad it led her to get out and stop participating in this kind of behavior. It's a bottomless pit. Don't go chasing friendships into it. The world is full of great people with the potential to be wonderful friends. Limiting yourself to the people in this specific group is buying into their delusions about themselves. They are not special. Leave them to their dysfunction.

+1

Well said. OP, these people are toxic and immature. Do you really want to be associated with them? There are so many PPs that are familiar with this situation. In this random sample, there are consistent stories about the same toxic and immature behavior, and the same "gossip as currency" worship. Everything about it is fake. It's time to learn from it, grow up, and move on. They did you a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who's been ostracized. It's been 4 yrs for me. Question for you all. A member of that old group keeps reaching out about hanging out. I know she's still part of the group. She's on the fringes, and I don't think she really knows what went down/is a pollyanna type, but I also 100 percent agree with prior posters who says that you have to cut all these people out as they were complicit and you'll never trust them. What to do?

I have been ignoring the texts/social media tags. I am not a cruel person, so it feels cruel to ignore/ghost her. But, I also don't want to say "hey, you're friends with terrible people who treated me horrifically, so I will never feel warm-fuzzy about you again." What to do? Complication: She lives in my neighborhood and kids go to same school.

I would meet her for a coffee and hear what she has to say. She may be well intentioned and actually like you as a person and miss you as a friend. Imagine that.

Eh, if she wanted to keep a likeable good friend, then she shouldn't run with a crowd of ostracizing jerks? There are consequences for this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who's been ostracized. It's been 4 yrs for me. Question for you all. A member of that old group keeps reaching out about hanging out. I know she's still part of the group. She's on the fringes, and I don't think she really knows what went down/is a pollyanna type, but I also 100 percent agree with prior posters who says that you have to cut all these people out as they were complicit and you'll never trust them. What to do?

I have been ignoring the texts/social media tags. I am not a cruel person, so it feels cruel to ignore/ghost her. But, I also don't want to say "hey, you're friends with terrible people who treated me horrifically, so I will never feel warm-fuzzy about you again." What to do? Complication: She lives in my neighborhood and kids go to same school.

PP, I think the relevant thing is how you feel about it, not what this woman’s intentions are. If you don’t feel comfortable hanging out with someone from your old group, don’t. Especially if it raises your emotions about being ostracized from the group or makes you think about them more. I agree there isn’t much point in telling her why you don’t want to see her (she may just go back and tell the group about it, giving them more fodder for their gossip mill). I would just continue to decline the invites, stay polite, and avoid her at school functions. Busy yourself with other people who aren’t part of that crowd. She’ll get the hint eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who's been ostracized. It's been 4 yrs for me. Question for you all. A member of that old group keeps reaching out about hanging out. I know she's still part of the group. She's on the fringes, and I don't think she really knows what went down/is a pollyanna type, but I also 100 percent agree with prior posters who says that you have to cut all these people out as they were complicit and you'll never trust them. What to do?

I have been ignoring the texts/social media tags. I am not a cruel person, so it feels cruel to ignore/ghost her. But, I also don't want to say "hey, you're friends with terrible people who treated me horrifically, so I will never feel warm-fuzzy about you again." What to do? Complication: She lives in my neighborhood and kids go to same school.

I would meet her for a coffee and hear what she has to say. She may be well intentioned and actually like you as a person and miss you as a friend. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is way too much power to give to other people. They aren't thinking about you so I suggest you stop thinking about them. Redirect that energy to making new sincere friends. Good luck.

My guess is that they were disappointed that OP extricated herself from the group because it immediately took all the air out of the feeding frenzy of gossip and drama. I would bet money that they found another target.

Leaving this group of toxic people and moving on in the way you have - with self-reflection, insight, compassion for yourself and others - is the best revenge, truly. OP, you sound very thoughtful, kind and self-aware - the kind of person who makes a wonderful friend. I would be lucky to have someone like you in my life, and I say that sincerely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:***Unrelated but Man, 40? That’s a mega circle. Neighbors, sorority, team moms? How does such a circle form?

This.
The only thing I can think of is a running club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who's been ostracized. It's been 4 yrs for me. Question for you all. A member of that old group keeps reaching out about hanging out. I know she's still part of the group. She's on the fringes, and I don't think she really knows what went down/is a pollyanna type, but I also 100 percent agree with prior posters who says that you have to cut all these people out as they were complicit and you'll never trust them. What to do?

I have been ignoring the texts/social media tags. I am not a cruel person, so it feels cruel to ignore/ghost her. But, I also don't want to say "hey, you're friends with terrible people who treated me horrifically, so I will never feel warm-fuzzy about you again." What to do? Complication: She lives in my neighborhood and kids go to same school.

PP, I think the relevant thing is how you feel about it, not what this woman’s intentions are. If you don’t feel comfortable hanging out with someone from your old group, don’t. Especially if it raises your emotions about being ostracized from the group or makes you think about them more. I agree there isn’t much point in telling her why you don’t want to see her (she may just go back and tell the group about it, giving them more fodder for their gossip mill). I would just continue to decline the invites, stay polite, and avoid her at school functions. Busy yourself with other people who aren’t part of that crowd. She’ll get the hint eventually.

Great advice and insight. Thank you! - PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:***Unrelated but Man, 40? That’s a mega circle. Neighbors, sorority, team moms? How does such a circle form?

This.
The only thing I can think of is a running club.

I feel like this is not uncommon. In addition to running clubs, I can think of other examples: kickball, softball, PTA, a lot of workplaces are kind of like this. But even without an activity link, I feel like in my 20s/30s I had a loose crew of people that was around 40-50 people. I met them through my roommate and his brother. I only hung out with maybe 5 or 6 of them regularly, but anytime there was a house party, it would be the same group of 40-50 people, with maybe a few new people mixed in and a few people who kind of faded out. I met my spouse through the group. And yeah, we all went to each others weddings and stuff. We're in our 40s now and I guess it sort of still exists, but we haven't socialized like that in years. I think the last time I saw a bunch of them in the same place was a wedding when I was 38 or 39. We do still stay in touch via Facebook.

Still, I can't imagine anything like this happening in that group. There was gossip, sure, but if anyone didn't get along (and that happened plenty), they just avoided each other at parties and that was it. I do recall a couple breakups that led to people sort of exiting the group, but no one ever shunned these people and I would still hear about them years and people would talk about them in a positive light. I literally cannot even fathom this kind of organized ostracism. It just feels foreign to me.

For OPs sake, I sincerely hope this really is just an affinity group like a running club, and not a neighborhood group or a workplace. At least with an affinity group, you could extract yourself without having to see these people all the time. That sounds brutal.

[Anonymous]

This has happened to me many times as I’ve gotten older. from high school to now being in my early 30s, I’ve been there right with you OP. I’ve also experienced this at jobs as well. Once you become the Lepor of the group, there’s not much else you can do but accept the end of that phase and move on. People come and go, as do jobs, but learn from them and move on. I’ve also learned my family is the one thing that’s remained constant in my life no matter what. I try very hard to make my bonds with family members strong.

[Anonymous]

So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and in fact am friends with some people like this. The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others. To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately. And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely. I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too. And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand. The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days. You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and in fact am friends with some people like this. The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others. To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately. And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely. I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too. And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand. The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days. You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.

OK I'll bite: What do you get out of those relationships, since you say you're getting "a lot"?

Also, do you self-identify as an honest person? Would you describe yourself as a user or opportunist?

[Anonymous]

OP, I watched this video and thought of you. Perhaps it will be helpful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDclCIFQML8