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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sitting here alone, rejected by my wife again, sex 2x in 2020 and I have no idea what the point is of a celibate marriage.

So I am done.  But she is a SAHM, 13 years now.  Economy sucks, she needs a job.  We are both stuck.

Of course, if I cheat, I'm am the bad guy, not her.

Thanks for the vent.  I would swap places with the PP who at least got a romantic trip to France with hot sex.  Better than a celibate guest room.[/quote]

I am that PP who got a romantic trip to France in 2016. He lived with me lying and pretending for 4 more years. In January 2020 moved down to basement, we had sex 1 time in 2020. He still has no guts to  tell me and our son about his mistress (we both know by now).  I am model looking  SAHM, 11 years younger than him, worked most of the marriage except for the last 5 years where my husband told there was no need to work since we’ve become so wealthy and he had to travel for work so I had to be more home with our child. Applying for new IT related masters program now to get a job in 1.5 years and divorce him. My worst thoughts are about our son who disowned him and my lost career which was stolen from me because of him creating a false sense of endless security for me. [/quote]

I hope people can see what a deliberate manipulation your DH engaged in - it is not a coincidence that he encouraged you to drop career. He did this deliberately so that you would feel trapped with him and not leave if you found out about affair. Mine did the same — telling me elaborate lies to hide an affair while encouraging me to have a second child with him. Unfortunately, I did not find out until 6 months pregnant with my second child.

That kind of abuse is definitely traumatic. Living with such lies and manipulation is definitely like living in a minefield.

I think you should be honest with your son about why you are not divorcing - that you have a plan for financial independence and will divorce in a few years.

I can see your pain about the father/son relationship. My advice to you is that only the father has the power to fix that. Get son therapeutic support to help him deal with neglectful/absent fathering.  Focus your time and energy on building your positive relationship with your son.  Grey rock the dad. [/quote]

That’s what I am effectively doing. I found a therapist for my son, travel alone with my son to spend more quality time together, help him with extra tutors work to become more successful. Therapists in the US are very balanced. But even the therapist told us to avoid active father involvement with the son, as there is just so much animosity between them. My husband doesn’t understand why the son hates him,  but boys who were brought up by moms don’t forgive dad living in the basement or lying about affairs so easily. My son confronted him about “that lady on photos” even before I found out, and my DH said “it was the colleague”. He lied to son as well, and now that’s it obvious it’s an adultery, the son can’t forgive it. He says he won’t ever cross the steps of dads home if he remarries to her. [/quote]

This happens when the mother cheats too.  The married woman my spouse cheated with was completely delusional--even he recognized it.  All of her friends were cheaters or divorced and she kept saying how wonderful it was for the recently divorced friend.  They were all on the affair circuit.  All very selfish.  She constantly would say 'isn't it better for a kid to see a happy mother?'.  Her spouse was not abusive, nothing egregious, a very good earner and she never worked a day in her life during the marriage.  She convinced herself of all the 'wrongs' to justify going out and having sex with strangers she met on the Internet.  My husband was product of divorce and a cheater and would regularly tell her 'no--it sucks.  It is awful. A kid would much rather have a stable home environment (again hers did not involve arguments or abuse, just her boredom and alienation of her spouse).  Yes, I realize my spouse stepped out, but he ended it and threw himself in extended therapy and never scapegoated me.  He is working overtime 24/7 to repair damage and is always with our kids.  He is doing everything for us now--cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, individual therapy--not asked for---actively doing himself.  He cries and beats himself up and wishes he had addressed all of the childhood trauma his two therapists are working with him now.

So, it's not just men.  There are women that are just as shady and self-centered and could care less about the fall out of their kids.  They delude themselves kids will be happy watching mom go out and get laid because she will be happy. That is crushing to teens, especially boys--knowing mom was cheating on dad most of the marriage.[/quote]

My son is indeed crushed about his dad cheating. What makes things worse, the dad pretends like nothing happened while living in the basement. Every night he requests a “family dinner”, and if our boy doesn’t come to dinner, he starts scolding him, threatening to take electronics, cancel play dates etc. When our teen comes to the forced family dinner, you could feel tension in the air. Dad starts nit picking on him, constantly criticizing the way our son eats, holds utensils, holds posture etc. I think he himself tries to relief himself psychologically  from the burden of lies by picking on his son. He can no longer be rude or disrespectful to me, as I learned how to be silent, detach myself mentally from everything, and just watch. 
Our son is almost 15, very athletic and taller than my DH. He squeezes his fists under the table. Once he told me he can barely keep himself from grabbing a steak knife and stubbing his dad. And he is a normal boy who never was aggressive, kind with piers, even shy. 
I had to take him to a psychologist, as it’s too hard for teenage boys to regulate themselves in such hard family situations. I was advised to take my son out of the house as much as I can, let him avoid his dad, and make sure he spends more time with piers, more play dates, hiking, learning the world - anything just not be home. I can’t wait for school in person learning to resume [/quote]

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