Would you tell your friends to have kids after this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not the OP, but the thing is, I do get breaks but I’m still miserable.

I have a 3 yo and 1.5 yo and sometimes I’m not sure if I would have them again. I’m not very good at this and I hate it so much, most of the time, even though I love my kids.

I’m thinking having just 1 is the sweet spot.

I have one, and age 1.5 is still the worst age to date (DD is almost 7). I like babies but toddlers are not my jam. Hang in there, it gets better at 5+.

[Anonymous]

OP, people don’t remember what it’s like to have newborns and toddlers. We forget. We have to or we’d never have more kids! My third is a toddler now and she’s exhausting. If I just had my older kids - 5 and 7 - we’d be having a blast.

[Anonymous]

I have a very involved husband, easy kids and a full time nanny. I find this outrageously difficult. But I would never tell anyone wether or not they should have kids. I just don’t think it’s my place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very involved husband, easy kids and a full time nanny. I find this outrageously difficult. But I would never tell anyone wether or not they should have kids. I just don’t think it’s my place.

Sounds like you have some issues then.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 kids at home with me doing mostly everything and I would still tell people to have kids if anyone asked. I’ve had many periods of time at home or hospital with a sick child and took many of the same precautions even when we were allowed out. Anyone’s child could be diagnosed with something that leaves their immune system compromised and they’d be doing a lot of the same things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - you don't say if you work, but you have a newborn so you are on maternity leave. Whether or not there was a pandemic, you were going to be stuck at home. And at least your DH is ostensibly teleworking so he can help out a bit more. And with a newborn, you would't be going to crowded places anyway. You would be doing...things you can do now, like neighborhood walks, etc. I am not saying your situation is not hard. It is. But I think you are pretty much in a phase of life that sucks pandemic or not.

Op here - dh is home but in the office from 7am to 8pm on calls and working. He comes out for 10 or 15 minutes at a time but that’s about it. Otherwise it’s me. I typically am very out and about even with a newborn. For the first 4 weeks of the baby’s life we had already gone to the zoo, brunch, visited with friends and went on a 7 hour road trip.

You may think this is something to be proud of, but it’s not. Nothing sadder than a baby who is dragged everywhere because the mom wants to make a big show of being “out and about”. I know people who brag that they went out to lunch or Target on their way home from the hospital. WTF!

Op here - no I just didn’t change my life when we had the new baby. We always did these things with the older kids. I didn’t want to completely upend their lives with the new baby being here. Thankfully I had a very uneventful delivery and recovery so I could do these things early on. It’s harder to do once the baby gets into a set nap schedule and whatnot.

Did you ever think that maybe you SHOULD change your life when you have a new baby? Maybe that’s why you’re on here talking about how this has been the worst month of your life...

After my babies were born I mostly stayed home the first month except for walks. It was a peaceful transition and gave me time to heal and let my children get used to a new baby with lots of attention. Aside from avoiding neighborhood playgrounds and other people, it wasn’t that different than quarantine. Spending lots of time close to home, lots of snuggles with my older child and baby, etc. It was wonderful.

Agree, it’s the “out and about” people who are having the toughest time with this because they don’t know how to relax. They always have to be doing something and using some crutch to keep their kids occupied and posting about it on FB and IG. When all of the crutches are taken away, they don’t actually know how to deal with their kids one-on-one.

It’s lazy people’s time to shine!!! Congrats!

Nah, it’s not lazy to spend time at home with your kids playing, reading, cooking, gardening, doing household tasks together.

What’s lazy in my view is carting your kids around from activity to activity so that someone can entertain them while you stare at your phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - you don't say if you work, but you have a newborn so you are on maternity leave. Whether or not there was a pandemic, you were going to be stuck at home. And at least your DH is ostensibly teleworking so he can help out a bit more. And with a newborn, you would't be going to crowded places anyway. You would be doing...things you can do now, like neighborhood walks, etc. I am not saying your situation is not hard. It is. But I think you are pretty much in a phase of life that sucks pandemic or not.

Op here - dh is home but in the office from 7am to 8pm on calls and working. He comes out for 10 or 15 minutes at a time but that’s about it. Otherwise it’s me. I typically am very out and about even with a newborn. For the first 4 weeks of the baby’s life we had already gone to the zoo, brunch, visited with friends and went on a 7 hour road trip.

You may think this is something to be proud of, but it’s not. Nothing sadder than a baby who is dragged everywhere because the mom wants to make a big show of being “out and about”. I know people who brag that they went out to lunch or Target on their way home from the hospital. WTF!

Op here - no I just didn’t change my life when we had the new baby. We always did these things with the older kids. I didn’t want to completely upend their lives with the new baby being here. Thankfully I had a very uneventful delivery and recovery so I could do these things early on. It’s harder to do once the baby gets into a set nap schedule and whatnot.

Did you ever think that maybe you SHOULD change your life when you have a new baby? Maybe that’s why you’re on here talking about how this has been the worst month of your life...

After my babies were born I mostly stayed home the first month except for walks. It was a peaceful transition and gave me time to heal and let my children get used to a new baby with lots of attention. Aside from avoiding neighborhood playgrounds and other people, it wasn’t that different than quarantine. Spending lots of time close to home, lots of snuggles with my older child and baby, etc. It was wonderful.

Agree, it’s the “out and about” people who are having the toughest time with this because they don’t know how to relax. They always have to be doing something and using some crutch to keep their kids occupied and posting about it on FB and IG. When all of the crutches are taken away, they don’t actually know how to deal with their kids one-on-one.

It’s lazy people’s time to shine!!! Congrats!

Nah, it’s not lazy to spend time at home with your kids playing, reading, cooking, gardening, doing household tasks together.

What’s lazy in my view is carting your kids around from activity to activity so that someone can entertain them while you stare at your phone.

You’re cooking and gardening with a newborn and two toddlers? No, you’re no. Stop getting on OP’s case.

Some people enjoy visiting the zoo, aquarium, teaching their kids about art and history. There’s more to life than what’s inside your own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op isn’t even working right now either? What a wild thread. Op be grateful you’re not trying to both telework on top of all of this

Op here - really? I have a 6 week old who was up 6 times last night and two toddlers (one who was also up last night) and dealing with them 24/7. Dh isn’t any help other than an occasional yelling at the kids when they get super unruly and I am trying to put the baby down for nap. I basically spend all day breaking up fights, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and breastfeeding a baby. But thanks.

This would be your life with Corona virus too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op isn’t even working right now either? What a wild thread. Op be grateful you’re not trying to both telework on top of all of this

Op here - really? I have a 6 week old who was up 6 times last night and two toddlers (one who was also up last night) and dealing with them 24/7. Dh isn’t any help other than an occasional yelling at the kids when they get super unruly and I am trying to put the baby down for nap. I basically spend all day breaking up fights, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and breastfeeding a baby. But thanks.

This would be your life with Corona virus too.

No it wouldn't be. When I had children OP's kids ages, and yes that includes the newborn phase, I had a network of mom friends to commiserate with, playgroups and library storytime and trips to the playground to break up my day and provide needed mental and social stimulation. This time period is nothing like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the nasty people. It sounds like someone jealous that you have three kids posting over and over. DCUM has a contingent of women that can’t have as many kids as they want because of finances, husband, infertility and they’re vicious.

This is HARD. Every parent I’ve spoken to is having a tough time. No one expected to be stuck in the house 24 hours a day with no help. That’s not how humans are supposed to live.

It doesn’t sound like OP has the finances for 3 kids TBH. We have 2 (voluntarily stopped at age 33) because we knew that’s how many we could handle. And we have dedicated play areas for them to go wild in. We have childcare and a big house so no need to deal with screaming toddlers while on a conference call.

Op here - where do you live? We bought a house within our means ($700k) when we were 30 before kids and decided to keep it after kids. We live inside the beltway. It’s hard to find a 5+ bedroom house for under $1 million inside the beltway.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have three kids close together; these times are hard in the best scenario.

That said, you have three kids now. You need to change your mindset, because three is not two. Lower your expectations, accept that life has changed, and proceed accordingly. We have three, and part of the reason we’re (normally) okay is that we built our lives around three kids: we both have flexible jobs, short commutes, we don’t plan elaborate outings or things we know won’t work with three kids. I wanted to get out when our youngest was a newborn, but that was literally to small parks with fences so I knew the older two would be contained while I had the baby in the carrier. Not the Zoo or brunch. Adjust your expectations.

(Also, sure, I’d tell people to have kids if they want them. I wouldn’t suggest they have kids unless they’re willing to be flexible, though.)

[Anonymous]

I don’t seek or take family planning advice from anyone who’s not contributing one set of gametes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - you don't say if you work, but you have a newborn so you are on maternity leave. Whether or not there was a pandemic, you were going to be stuck at home. And at least your DH is ostensibly teleworking so he can help out a bit more. And with a newborn, you would't be going to crowded places anyway. You would be doing...things you can do now, like neighborhood walks, etc. I am not saying your situation is not hard. It is. But I think you are pretty much in a phase of life that sucks pandemic or not.

Op here - dh is home but in the office from 7am to 8pm on calls and working. He comes out for 10 or 15 minutes at a time but that’s about it. Otherwise it’s me. I typically am very out and about even with a newborn. For the first 4 weeks of the baby’s life we had already gone to the zoo, brunch, visited with friends and went on a 7 hour road trip.

You may think this is something to be proud of, but it’s not. Nothing sadder than a baby who is dragged everywhere because the mom wants to make a big show of being “out and about”. I know people who brag that they went out to lunch or Target on their way home from the hospital. WTF!

Op here - no I just didn’t change my life when we had the new baby. We always did these things with the older kids. I didn’t want to completely upend their lives with the new baby being here. Thankfully I had a very uneventful delivery and recovery so I could do these things early on. It’s harder to do once the baby gets into a set nap schedule and whatnot.

Did you ever think that maybe you SHOULD change your life when you have a new baby? Maybe that’s why you’re on here talking about how this has been the worst month of your life...

After my babies were born I mostly stayed home the first month except for walks. It was a peaceful transition and gave me time to heal and let my children get used to a new baby with lots of attention. Aside from avoiding neighborhood playgrounds and other people, it wasn’t that different than quarantine. Spending lots of time close to home, lots of snuggles with my older child and baby, etc. It was wonderful.

Agree, it’s the “out and about” people who are having the toughest time with this because they don’t know how to relax. They always have to be doing something and using some crutch to keep their kids occupied and posting about it on FB and IG. When all of the crutches are taken away, they don’t actually know how to deal with their kids one-on-one.

It’s lazy people’s time to shine!!! Congrats!

Nah, it’s not lazy to spend time at home with your kids playing, reading, cooking, gardening, doing household tasks together.

What’s lazy in my view is carting your kids around from activity to activity so that someone can entertain them while you stare at your phone.

You’re cooking and gardening with a newborn and two toddlers? No, you’re no. Stop getting on OP’s case.

Some people enjoy visiting the zoo, aquarium, teaching their kids about art and history. There’s more to life than what’s inside your own home.

Wait, you can’t cook or garden at home with a newborn and two toddlers, but you *can* go to the zoo and brunch? 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the nasty people. It sounds like someone jealous that you have three kids posting over and over. DCUM has a contingent of women that can’t have as many kids as they want because of finances, husband, infertility and they’re vicious.

This is HARD. Every parent I’ve spoken to is having a tough time. No one expected to be stuck in the house 24 hours a day with no help. That’s not how humans are supposed to live.

It doesn’t sound like OP has the finances for 3 kids TBH. We have 2 (voluntarily stopped at age 33) because we knew that’s how many we could handle. And we have dedicated play areas for them to go wild in. We have childcare and a big house so no need to deal with screaming toddlers while on a conference call.

Op here - where do you live? We bought a house within our means ($700k) when we were 30 before kids and decided to keep it after kids. We live inside the beltway. It’s hard to find a 5+ bedroom house for under $1 million inside the beltway.

We bought a spacious house within our means ($1.3m). If we had chosen to have three kids instead of two then our means would have been much lower and we would have driven each other crazy in a tiny home with no money for activities or college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op isn’t even working right now either? What a wild thread. Op be grateful you’re not trying to both telework on top of all of this

Op here - really? I have a 6 week old who was up 6 times last night and two toddlers (one who was also up last night) and dealing with them 24/7. Dh isn’t any help other than an occasional yelling at the kids when they get super unruly and I am trying to put the baby down for nap. I basically spend all day breaking up fights, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and breastfeeding a baby. But thanks.

I think the bigger issue is the lack of help from your husband. Many of us work big jobs via telework right now, but he chose to have another child and should certainly be offering to help a bit more than you currently describe. My DH changed every diaper that he could. I'd have a heart to heart with him that you need a bit more relief - you aren't his kids caretaker, you are co-parents.

+1,000

OP said her DH is working at home from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. That is thirteen hours a day. OP, does he work that many hours a day when he's not working from home? Unless he's doing something vital for health or safety, he needs to cut that or manage himself better so he's not working ridiculous hours. Is he in management, OP, and thinks the office will just fall apart if he isn't online/available thirteen hours every working day?

If he's a doctor and doing "telehealth" calls face to face with patients all those hours, that would be an exception, to me. But I have a feeling he's not.

OP, it sounds as if maybe the huge work hours are his way of, to be blunt, not having to deal with the kids. He also may crave the normalcy of work, seeing coworkers, talking face to face, etc. That's understandable. But it sounds like maybe the real issue is that your DH is coping by isolating with his work so he doesn't feel pulled into caring for the kids.

To answer your initial question, OP, I would never advise any adult friend or relative (except my own teen DD!) on whether or not to have kids. Intrusive.