I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your current wife is crazy. You need to decide if you're going to prioritize your current wife over your kids, or your kids over your current wife.

Your kids CLEARLY want a relationship with you. You are abandoning them.

I have heard a 100 variations of Biblical advice that a man and a woman are one, that nothing is to come between them, that I have a new family for which I am responsible, etc.

If you want to be terribly pedantic about this, while “a man and woman are one” there are Christian theologies that will tell you the woman you are still “one” with is your first wife. This chick is just the woman you’re living in legal adultery with.

Yes, that has occurred to me :/ A lot of self-reflection about God punishing me for not appreciating what I had and wondering if I am now being punished for it, notwithstanding the forgiveness (from Him, at least) I know know is out there.

Anonymous wrote:How do you have a six figure salary, and no insurance or savings? Where is your money going?

It went to lawyers, buying more house than I could afford, buying cars, eating out a lot when I was making more 2x more money, about a trillion dollars in supplements to keep me going with my health stuff, and then stupid things she bought. I don't want to get into too much detail, just hobby stuff that in the aggregate totals a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you married to this woman?

+1, you are blaming everyone but yourself. You had visitation/custody of your kids and let it go. That was your choice. Grow up. My husband would have done anything to have visitation or custody like you had (and tried).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also wife #2 persuaded me to throw out all the photos of me and the ex and the kids. I took the position it was their history and they were entitled to have it. Lost that one and was persuaded to toss it all.

That was agonizing.

Okay. Big sigh here. I refrain from offering advice because like you, I'm sort of a basketcase and have a long history of toxic relationships. I'm even married to an emotional abuser right now. With that said, this is an egregious display of hostility on her part. If she were truly so concerned about your emotional welfare, she'd never ask you to do that.

I think you're likely in an abusive relationship. Leave that and then work on reestablishing a relationship with your kids. Keep the lines open now too. Text them both right now and say you miss them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also she blocked my kid's #'s on my phone as well as my exes.

As to the kids, she felt it was too emotionally damaging and distracting with my health. They can email.

As to the ex, if it was important she'd email. Not sure I follow that one.

You can blame her all you want but this is on you.

[Anonymous]

Another anecdote: I told her I wanted to write my ex MIL a letter apologizing for not returning her calls during the divorce. She is a sweetheart and treated me like her own son. I did a lot of her and loved her and she loved me a ton. Small town, college boy, getting her daughter out etc etc. I could do no wrong.

Anyway she's elderly and I really wanted to send her a simple card.

Wife blew up and said it was a dumb idea and that the ex-MIL was probably a terrible person for raising such an awful daughter.

I'm so emotionally sandblasted I just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another anecdote: I told her I wanted to write my ex MIL a letter apologizing for not returning her calls during the divorce. She is a sweetheart and treated me like her own son. I did a lot of her and loved her and she loved me a ton. Small town, college boy, getting her daughter out etc etc. I could do no wrong.

Anyway she's elderly and I really wanted to send her a simple card.

Wife blew up and said it was a dumb idea and that the ex-MIL was probably a terrible person for raising such an awful daughter.

I'm so emotionally sandblasted I just let it go.

OP, you're being abused and you don't seem to even really realize it. Your wife probably has a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop telling your wife anything that does not directly impact her safety or health. Want to send your former MIL a card, do it. Want to attend graduations, go. Stop letting her vet every decision you make.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the messages, so my apologies if something here is a repetition of what has been said earlier. You seem to be in a tough spot OP.

When you yourself are facing any mental health issues then it becomes hard to not believe those closest you to. In this case, your wife, who instead of being a supportive partner is being the very definition of an evil step-parent. You should reevaluate why you are with her, how is she helping you be the best version of yourself and vice-versa. I am not a Christian, but don't believe that any god would ask you to turn your back towards your innocent children, spl when they are trying to connect with you. Please don't reject them, don't ignore their need for connecting with their father.

I feel you have made your mind to reconnect with your kids, and are just seeking reaffirmation here. Accept this! and convey this to your wife. This is a fact, what happens to your marriage is for you and your wife to decide.

If I were you, I'd start writing my feelings down, and figure out how I would apologize and then request your ex and kids to start seeing a family counselor to facilitate the entire process. I am sure you feel horrible, but they are in worse place than you in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? Is your current wife for real? So you have prioritized sex over your biological children and are now whining about it?

:/

Sex is certainly not the reason I stay. I made a promise and swore to God I would remain for better or for worse, till death.

OTOH I did not sign up for losing my kids.

The weird thing is that she went along with (and actively participated in) some //incredibly// expensive plans I had to keep the kids happy during the divorce (some nice trips just with me and them), she bought brand new furniture/clothes/EVERYTHING for when they were at our house and set their rooms up, she worked with them to try and overcome some social issues they both had, took them shopping, to spas, etc. Like model stepmom stuff. And then suddenly they started to have issues and stuff was getting back to their mother (nothing bad, just private details of how we lived) and it was like a switch went off.

It went from "I can't believe it's working out this well" to "WTF just happened".

This is the honeymoon period. When that ends, the beast rears its head and the real life begins. The real life where she threw out everything that reminded her of your previous life - your photos, your momentos, and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? Is your current wife for real? So you have prioritized sex over your biological children and are now whining about it?

:/

Sex is certainly not the reason I stay. I made a promise and swore to God I would remain for better or for worse, till death.

OTOH I did not sign up for losing my kids.

The weird thing is that she went along with (and actively participated in) some //incredibly// expensive plans I had to keep the kids happy during the divorce (some nice trips just with me and them), she bought brand new furniture/clothes/EVERYTHING for when they were at our house and set their rooms up, she worked with them to try and overcome some social issues they both had, took them shopping, to spas, etc. Like model stepmom stuff. And then suddenly they started to have issues and stuff was getting back to their mother (nothing bad, just private details of how we lived) and it was like a switch went off.

It went from "I can't believe it's working out this well" to "WTF just happened".

This is the honeymoon period. When that ends, the beast rears its head and the real life begins. The real life where she threw out everything that reminded her of your previous life - your photos, your momentos, and your kids.

Once it was "decided" the kids would not come back we packed their stuff up and dropped it at the exes house, in boxes, in the driveway. And then left. My oldest was apparently hysterical an felt like she had been abandoned.

Rightly so.

The more I write the more I feel like I should be crushed under a wheel. What was I thinking?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. I don't have much in the way of advice (besides journaling and maybe you can transfer that into messages for your kids?) but I wish I could help out somehow. We can understand how hurt you are by all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attended by eldest's HS graduation but did not let my daughter know it. Watched her walk and then left. Wife flipped out that daughter only had one ticket to spare, so she managed to find another one and then made me send both tickets back to show that daughter could have gotten two.

Wife refuses to consider the idea that we are not a unit in every single thing we (or I) do.

I look at photos of daughter graduating and I can see the heartbreak in her face and the forced smiles.

I hope she and God can forgive me.

Your wife "made" you emotionally abuse your daughter by sending back 2 graduation tickets. That is horrific. I feel for your kids. Please turn this around. You should be nothing but contrite for the years you put them through this. I think you are also a victim here, but holy shit, your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

I really hope OP is a particularly bored troll because this is so sad and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope OP is a particularly bored troll because this is so sad and pathetic.

+1

I couldn’t get past reading two pages.

OP stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are allowing this to happen and you are responsible for destroying your relationship with your children.
Snap the fu— out of it and start living your life the way you know you should be. Do right by the kids you brought into this world, THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Using your manipulative wife ( who you should divorce) as an excuse for your apathy is not working.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad, I really hope this is a troll. If not, OP, you are being ABUSED, and in turn, you are ABUSING your kids. If you are real, please get away from this ABUSIVE woman and seek therapy, and likely a protective order.