I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your first wife divorce?

In hindsight I think I was depressed and that my judgement was starting to slip. We were having some issues connecting, being on the same page with finances, she needed more of my time than I had to give, things like that. In the clarity of hindsight probably nothing we could not have worked through, warts and all. I should have been a better leader and should have been more active in the finances.

Ironically now I am 100 times worse off.

I am also hearing the comments loud and clear about owning this. I am trying to be open and honest with myself and with DCUM in order to get clarity. My judgement IS shit. My health and cognitive issues ARE shit.

Part of the problem is extricating myself when I have no resources to do so, to support her without making her totally homeless which makes me a brute, and all in the midst of an economic/global health crisis.

She is an adult, not one of your dependent children. She survived before you and she will survive life after you. She will have notice if you leave - it takes time to separate and sell a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your first wife divorce?

In hindsight I think I was depressed and that my judgement was starting to slip. We were having some issues connecting, being on the same page with finances, she needed more of my time than I had to give, things like that. In the clarity of hindsight probably nothing we could not have worked through, warts and all. I should have been a better leader and should have been more active in the finances.

Ironically now I am 100 times worse off.

I am also hearing the comments loud and clear about owning this. I am trying to be open and honest with myself and with DCUM in order to get clarity. My judgement IS shit. My health and cognitive issues ARE shit.

Part of the problem is extricating myself when I have no resources to do so, to support her without making her totally homeless which makes me a brute, and all in the midst of an economic/global health crisis.

The most important actions you can take here cost nothing and can be executed during a global health crisis.

Write a letter to each kid. Apologize. Do not blame your wife. Do not blame your ex-wife. Do not blame your health, the phase of the moon, tectonic drift, or anything else. Spend a few hours googling and then carefully reading resources on how to write a good apology.

Apologize to your kids for your outrageous behavior.

Then you can consider what comes next.

[Anonymous]

Also she blocked my kid's #'s on my phone as well as my exes.

As to the kids, she felt it was too emotionally damaging and distracting with my health. They can email.

As to the ex, if it was important she'd email. Not sure I follow that one.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any friends or family you can stay with temporarily while you figure out your life? You really need some time alone to come to grips with what you have done, and what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this to me when she found a new boyfriend who was outright cruel to us.

I think you have a window to fix this, OP, but it is narrow. You need to fix it with your kids NOW.

[Anonymous]

All I hear are excuses OP. You're full of them. Until you can stop doing that, you'll never move forward

[Anonymous]

OP I have another perspective on this. Your post originally expressed concern for your children. Like your children, I had a dad who was basically a passive garbage bag who blamed everyone else for his problems and made no effort to be a real father to me.

I did find a way through this, and that was mostly by cutting out the idea of having a relationship with my father. I am in my 30s now and when he calls I am cordial but I am pretty uninterested in a relationship with him. He is not a stable or mentally well person and I am not interested in having his problems be a part of my life, which is in order.

Your children will hopefully turn out ok, and part of that may include not having you in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Why do you so readily allow your integrity and individual autonomy to be usurped by other people’s advice, wheedling, decisions, demands?

You didn’t make one giant mistake. You’re making this same kind of mistake over and over. The good news is that you can start unmaking it at the next opportunity, which will probably be sometime today. Find that spine, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your children will hopefully turn out ok, and part of that may include not having you in their lives.

I know.

This terrifies me. I spent years envisioning the wonderful life we would have - trips, learning, fun, then college - and I blew it. I totally blew it and ruined it. And this realization feeds my depression like crazy.

I'm also beyond upset with myself for effectively abandoning them. Whatever issues they had I made them much, much worse. I basically broke my kids.

Separately, I'm also terrified of ending up on the streets because of my disaster of a financial life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your first wife divorce?

In hindsight I think I was depressed and that my judgement was starting to slip. We were having some issues connecting, being on the same page with finances, she needed more of my time than I had to give, things like that. In the clarity of hindsight probably nothing we could not have worked through, warts and all. I should have been a better leader and should have been more active in the finances.

Ironically now I am 100 times worse off.

I am also hearing the comments loud and clear about owning this. I am trying to be open and honest with myself and with DCUM in order to get clarity. My judgement IS shit. My health and cognitive issues ARE shit.

Part of the problem is extricating myself when I have no resources to do so, to support her without making her totally homeless which makes me a brute, and all in the midst of an economic/global health crisis.

You can't do that. All you can do is wash, rinse, repeat.

If you really want to break the cycle, call your primary care and if you don't have one call a shrink. Tell them you are struggling and that you want medication. Because without mediation you can't get to a place where you can make a path forward.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your first wife divorce?

In hindsight I think I was depressed and that my judgement was starting to slip. We were having some issues connecting, being on the same page with finances, she needed more of my time than I had to give, things like that. In the clarity of hindsight probably nothing we could not have worked through, warts and all. I should have been a better leader and should have been more active in the finances.

Ironically now I am 100 times worse off.

I am also hearing the comments loud and clear about owning this. I am trying to be open and honest with myself and with DCUM in order to get clarity. My judgement IS shit. My health and cognitive issues ARE shit.

Part of the problem is extricating myself when I have no resources to do so, to support her without making her totally homeless which makes me a brute, and all in the midst of an economic/global health crisis.

You can't do that. All you can do is wash, rinse, repeat.

If you really want to break the cycle, call your primary care and if you don't have one call a shrink. Tell them you are struggling and that you want medication. Because without mediation you can't get to a place where you can make a path forward.

Good luck

LOL I don't have insurance.

I make six figures and have no insurance and no savings. I should sell myself for my organs.

[Anonymous]

omg, I realize you are fragile so I want to be kind, but I also want to shake you and say WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING?!

These are your children! yes you are hurting them. EVERY child needs their father. This thread is hurting me so bad b/c my dad left, it causing LIFELONG pain

your new wife is a jealous insecure monster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your current wife is crazy. You need to decide if you're going to prioritize your current wife over your kids, or your kids over your current wife.

Your kids CLEARLY want a relationship with you. You are abandoning them.

I have heard a 100 variations of Biblical advice that a man and a woman are one, that nothing is to come between them, that I have a new family for which I am responsible, etc.

If you want to be terribly pedantic about this, while “a man and woman are one” there are Christian theologies that will tell you the woman you are still “one” with is your first wife. This chick is just the woman you’re living in legal adultery with.

[Anonymous]

How do you have a six figure salary, and no insurance or savings? Where is your money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also she blocked my kid's #'s on my phone as well as my exes.

As to the kids, she felt it was too emotionally damaging and distracting with my health. They can email.

As to the ex, if it was important she'd email. Not sure I follow that one.

That crosses a HUGE line. My husband and I have an open, trusting relationship. We don't have any secrets from each other. But he would not look through things in my phone without saying so first. "I'm getting Jenny's number from your phone to text her that recipe she liked." You need to change the password on your phone and not tell your wife the new one, unblock your kids and text them to say you'd like to meet to apologize, and tell your wife she is NEVER to keep you in ANY way from your kids EVER again.