DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I am a widow and I find this offensive as hell. You have no idea.

You are right that those of us who have never been a widow have no idea what you have gone through. But if you haven't had your life upended and devastated by infidelity then you have no idea either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

So is he gay then? If he is okay with his parents and your friends knowing, maybe you can maintain a relationship with the parents and friends, and even have a friendship with him over time. People should understand that if he is gay, this marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You mention that he is your best friend. Maybe one day you will be confiding in him about your next relationship.

Nope, he claims he's 100 percent straight. And of course he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

As a person on the receiving end of his behavior, it is your story to tell if you want, to whomever you want. Don’t let him pressure you into silence out of some misguided notion of fairness, sexual privacy or obligation to protect his sexuality. That isolates you and cuts you off from any hope of social support. You have a write to tell your story and be the voice and author of your own life instead of living a gagged life.

That kind of silence is damaging - I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

I don't have kids (which also makes for a lonely future), so that was not in my personal calculation.

As a person with kids with a cheater, I can say that a man who is a cheater often has serious personality and character flaws that are incompatible with being a good or even merely a present dad. It is not enough in life to merely “have” a dad. Sometimes having an absent or irresponsible dad wreaks more damage than you can imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

It's not better for her at all.

She felt it was much better. It took away a lot of the complications for her and made people feel sorry for her instead of upset with her. She felt a lot of relief when he died. It meant no more custody battles, no more conflict, and it was much easier for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

No - there is a way to tell this without denigrating or even describing his sexuality. The issue is not whether he is gay or straight - it is that he cheated on her, engaged in risky behavior and gave her an STD.

I am not sure what planet you live in which you believe a man who has “given a good life” to any woman is justified in lying to her about his sexual behavior and giving her an STD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

I don't have kids (which also makes for a lonely future), so that was not in my personal calculation.

As a person with kids with a cheater, I can say that a man who is a cheater often has serious personality and character flaws that are incompatible with being a good or even merely a present dad. It is not enough in life to merely “have” a dad. Sometimes having an absent or irresponsible dad wreaks more damage than you can imagine.

+1
I also have kids with a serial cheater...he's also an emotionally and financially abusive personality-disordered man and a bad father. It is a horrible situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

So is he gay then? If he is okay with his parents and your friends knowing, maybe you can maintain a relationship with the parents and friends, and even have a friendship with him over time. People should understand that if he is gay, this marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You mention that he is your best friend. Maybe one day you will be confiding in him about your next relationship.

Nope, he claims he's 100 percent straight. And of course he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

As a person on the receiving end of his behavior, it is your story to tell if you want, to whomever you want. Don’t let him pressure you into silence out of some misguided notion of fairness, sexual privacy or obligation to protect his sexuality. That isolates you and cuts you off from any hope of social support. You have a write to tell your story and be the voice and author of your own life instead of living a gagged life.

That kind of silence is damaging - I know.

Tell your inner circle. The most trusted and loyal. Lean on them. Then use the threat of telling his friends and family as leverage in the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

She could have made her point without minimizing the suffering of widows.

Do you have any evidence to support your theory that outcomes are worse for kids with living parents?

+1

My dad died when I was a baby in a car accident. I think not having a father at all ever is a lot worse than the temporary awkwardness and hurt around feeling like your dad chose to leave your mom. Lot’s of dads cheat and leave their wife but are still good fathers despite being shitty people in a significant way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

It's not better for her at all.

DP. How do you figure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I am a widow and I find this offensive as hell. You have no idea.

You are right that those of us who have never been a widow have no idea what you have gone through. But if you haven't had your life upended and devastated by infidelity then you have no idea either.

Please report back when a widow posts something comparing her situation to a cheating husband. I’ll wait.

[Anonymous]

Being a widow when your husband was a cheating liar is different than being a widow when your husband was the love of your life. OP is talking about her life and comparing it to what her widowhood would have been like...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.
I am a divorced mom and haven’t felt any social isolation (at least compared to when I was married).
For the record, I think OP is being way way too dramatic...

[Anonymous]

Wow that’s a pretty dramatic statement...
No kids, enough money to go around, yes, it is a hurtful situation and I am sorry, but it’s not the end of the world.
I wish you the best and hope you can eventually heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a widow when your husband was a cheating liar is different than being a widow when your husband was the love of your life. OP is talking about her life and comparing it to what her widowhood would have been like...

Except she has no idea what it would have been like. So she should own her truth and keep it at that.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this sometimes. Not only the things you mentioned, but I would also be able to move back to my home state, and my kids would grow up with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.