DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I am a widow and I find this offensive as hell. You have no idea.

You are right that those of us who have never been a widow have no idea what you have gone through. But if you haven't had your life upended and devastated by infidelity then you have no idea either.

Which is an argument that the opposite post (I'm a widow it would be so much easier if my husband was a cheater) would also be bad. Except no one has posted that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I am a widow and I find this offensive as hell. You have no idea.

You are right that those of us who have never been a widow have no idea what you have gone through. But if you haven't had your life upended and devastated by infidelity then you have no idea either.

Which is an argument that the opposite post (I'm a widow it would be so much easier if my husband was a cheater) would also be bad. Except no one has posted that.

As opposed to "bad post" or "good post" you could just look at is as how people actually feel about their situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

NP here. I am not divorced, nor are my parents divorced, but this sounds delusional. You might have different relationships with different members if your family, but you can’t expect to sever all ties with one and expect it not to affect the relationship with the others. This is true if you are talking about adults. It is even more true if you are talking about young children, and the person you have betrayed and abandoned is their mother. How could you think that would just be completely separate from your relationship with your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hurting but it doesn't give you the right to be so intolerable. Good lord, sometimes people go through years of suffering before they die, and the spouses are left with astronomical medical bills after the death.

We get it, he's gay. Divorce and move on.

+1. Why even go there, OP? Both situations are horrible in their own way.

[Anonymous]

I had no idea there were so many Olympians here. Who will win the competition for most difficult situation?!

Six months ago, if OP's husband had died suddenly and she had no knowledge of his betrayal, I'm sure her grief would have been far less than what she's experiencing now. I'm sorry so many can't understand that betrayal can penetrate just as deeply and as keenly as loss. And that it can cloud every single intimate relationship in the future. I'm sorry that people are so limited in their ability to understand that people can be impacted differently by their life experiences. How I or OP react to an experience doesn't invalidate or diminish your experience.

What I haven't seen on this thread is anyone saying they'd welcome their dead spouse back even if he was having gay affairs and passing STDs on to them. I can easily see where death is easier to endure/explain/life with than divorcing because of homosexual infidelity and STDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

You sound like a psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

You sound like a psycho.

New poster. No, you sound like a close-minded, cruel person. I totally understand what OP is saying. She is dealing with a horribly painful situation.

I know someone whose cheating husband died - he was cheating with men and women and paying for sex. He stole money from her. No one knew. They looked like the perfect family from the outside, but she was dying on the inside. Now she openly admits that his accident/suicide was the best thing that could happen because her kids never found out the truth about their father.

Life is complicated, PP. And psychopaths feel no emotions. They are stone cold. So before you pretend to be a psychologist and call people "psychos" maybe you ought to talk to a professional yourself -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

It's not better for her at all.

DP. How do you figure?

No help with the kids, no time off, 100% on 100% of the time. Not to mention the trauma of having no father for her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

It's not better for her at all.

She felt it was much better. It took away a lot of the complications for her and made people feel sorry for her instead of upset with her. She felt a lot of relief when he died. It meant no more custody battles, no more conflict, and it was much easier for her.

Did her children feel a lot of relief?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

NP here. I am not divorced, nor are my parents divorced, but this sounds delusional. You might have different relationships with different members if your family, but you can’t expect to sever all ties with one and expect it not to affect the relationship with the others. This is true if you are talking about adults. It is even more true if you are talking about young children, and the person you have betrayed and abandoned is their mother. How could you think that would just be completely separate from your relationship with your children?

Many divorced men are still good and present fathers to their children.

I feel it's inappropriate to use the term "abandon" relative to a grown woman. You aren't a little orphan Annie and no one left you in the woods in the middle of the night.

It's delusional and damaging for a woman who's been cheated on to try and draft her kids into the "dad is so evil" camp. Leaving you doesn't mean he abandoned the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

It's not better for her at all.

OP doesn’t have kids so it would be for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

NP here. I am not divorced, nor are my parents divorced, but this sounds delusional. You might have different relationships with different members if your family, but you can’t expect to sever all ties with one and expect it not to affect the relationship with the others. This is true if you are talking about adults. It is even more true if you are talking about young children, and the person you have betrayed and abandoned is their mother. How could you think that would just be completely separate from your relationship with your children?

Many divorced men are still good and present fathers to their children.

I feel it's inappropriate to use the term "abandon" relative to a grown woman. You aren't a little orphan Annie and no one left you in the woods in the middle of the night.

It's delusional and damaging for a woman who's been cheated on to try and draft her kids into the "dad is so evil" camp. Leaving you doesn't mean he abandoned the children.

But many aren’t.

When a man chooses to leave his kids and see them the minimum, or but at all, or only to pay less child support, it’s hard to explain to kids your father chose to abandon you and not have a relationship.

Women don’t need to “draft” the kids... many men are just really goo at showing they don’t care about anybody but themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

NP here. I am not divorced, nor are my parents divorced, but this sounds delusional. You might have different relationships with different members if your family, but you can’t expect to sever all ties with one and expect it not to affect the relationship with the others. This is true if you are talking about adults. It is even more true if you are talking about young children, and the person you have betrayed and abandoned is their mother. How could you think that would just be completely separate from your relationship with your children?

Many divorced men are still good and present fathers to their children.

I feel it's inappropriate to use the term "abandon" relative to a grown woman. You aren't a little orphan Annie and no one left you in the woods in the middle of the night.

It's delusional and damaging for a woman who's been cheated on to try and draft her kids into the "dad is so evil" camp. Leaving you doesn't mean he abandoned the children.

But many aren’t.

When a man chooses to leave his kids and see them the minimum, or but at all, or only to pay less child support, it’s hard to explain to kids your father chose to abandon you and not have a relationship.

Women don’t need to “draft” the kids... many men are just really goo at showing they don’t care about anybody but themselves.

But why presume that this is how it’s gonna be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

NP here. I am not divorced, nor are my parents divorced, but this sounds delusional. You might have different relationships with different members if your family, but you can’t expect to sever all ties with one and expect it not to affect the relationship with the others. This is true if you are talking about adults. It is even more true if you are talking about young children, and the person you have betrayed and abandoned is their mother. How could you think that would just be completely separate from your relationship with your children?

Many divorced men are still good and present fathers to their children.

I feel it's inappropriate to use the term "abandon" relative to a grown woman. You aren't a little orphan Annie and no one left you in the woods in the middle of the night.

It's delusional and damaging for a woman who's been cheated on to try and draft her kids into the "dad is so evil" camp. Leaving you doesn't mean he abandoned the children.

But many aren’t.

When a man chooses to leave his kids and see them the minimum, or but at all, or only to pay less child support, it’s hard to explain to kids your father chose to abandon you and not have a relationship.

Women don’t need to “draft” the kids... many men are just really goo at showing they don’t care about anybody but themselves.

But why presume that this is how it’s gonna be?

I'm not presuming. Many are not. So in many situations it's easier if he is dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

NP here. I am not divorced, nor are my parents divorced, but this sounds delusional. You might have different relationships with different members if your family, but you can’t expect to sever all ties with one and expect it not to affect the relationship with the others. This is true if you are talking about adults. It is even more true if you are talking about young children, and the person you have betrayed and abandoned is their mother. How could you think that would just be completely separate from your relationship with your children?

Many divorced men are still good and present fathers to their children.

I feel it's inappropriate to use the term "abandon" relative to a grown woman. You aren't a little orphan Annie and no one left you in the woods in the middle of the night.

It's delusional and damaging for a woman who's been cheated on to try and draft her kids into the "dad is so evil" camp. Leaving you doesn't mean he abandoned the children.

Men and women can both abandon the family. Have you never heard “Lucille?”

No one has ever left me, but I have seen this story over and over again where one partner or another left for drugs or freedom or another man or woman. No one has to “draft the kids” when they are little. But the really unfortunate thing is that when the kids grow up, they tend to blame the parent who was actually there for all of their problems. So you, sir, the liar, the cheater, and the manipulator, you win. You get out of the raising of kids, but you get the grown kids. You cause all sorts of problems, but you get to pass off all of the blame.