DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

Are you for real? I guess you don't really understand what happens when people die. I'm not PP but your post is so rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

Are you for real? I guess you don't really understand what happens when people die. I'm not PP but your post is so rude.

You are also rude, not every alive dad is "there for their kids".

[Anonymous]

I only read the first page, but God OP. This is so ... I don't even know. Crass? Tone deaf? Self-centered? Obnoxious?

Sure, those things you shared suck. But how dare you wish that you were a widow????

[Anonymous]

People, she’s not saying she WISHED he died, just that for her experiences only, getting through the aftermath of his cheating in her circumstances is more difficult than getting through the aftermath of if he died. I can see how that could easily be the case for the person involved, not factoring children, other family, etc. she’s also not making a blanket statement that cheated on women have it harder than widows. Jesus everyone just likes to find things to get enraged about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your vent is understandable. I think you have no choice but to proceed with divorce, b/c he's not mentally well and it's not a sustainable situation. And his refusal to take responsibility speaks volumes to the kind of future you'll have should you decide to stay. You're trying to understand where he's coming from, whereas he's doing whatever he wants without any regard for you. It will be a long hard road, but you'll get through it and come out the other side.

[Anonymous]

Some unsolicited advice: people are better than you give them credit for, and you don't owe your husband anything in terms of how you discuss the divorce.

People were amazing when I divorced as the result of my husband's infidelity, actually a lot like a death. They brought casseroles, and checked in, and offered to drive my kids places. I was touched and humbled by how *present* everyone was.

I also, from the start, did not censor myself when talking to friends about what had happened. I realized that I had spent a long time protecting him. Before, I'd been protecting his failures as a father and husband, and I wasn't about to protect him from the consequences of his infidelity.

It's really freeing to realize you no longer have to make decisions based on what is best for your ex. Note that in my case I still had to make decisions based on what is best for the kids, so they get the "we grew apart" narrative but friends? His family? My family? Those folks get the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page, but God OP. This is so ... I don't even know. Crass? Tone deaf? Self-centered? Obnoxious?

Sure, those things you shared suck. But how dare you wish that you were a widow????

(yawn) What are you prattling on about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page, but God OP. This is so ... I don't even know. Crass? Tone deaf? Self-centered? Obnoxious?

Sure, those things you shared suck. But how dare you wish that you were a widow????

(yawn) What are you prattling on about?

My mom’s sisters are both divorced, and she is a widow. She agreed when my dad died that some things were easier for her than they were for her sisters immediately post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

I would much rather my husband have an affair and leave me, rather than die. This seems really warped thinking to me. If you love him so little that you would rather he was dead, why do you care that he has left you?

[Anonymous]

You are beyond selfish and cruel OP.

Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

I don't have kids (which also makes for a lonely future), so that was not in my personal calculation.

As a person with kids with a cheater, I can say that a man who is a cheater often has serious personality and character flaws that are incompatible with being a good or even merely a present dad. It is not enough in life to merely “have” a dad. Sometimes having an absent or irresponsible dad wreaks more damage than you can imagine.

+1 It is absolutely possible for divorced dads to be good and present fathers, but those tend to be the men whose marriages ended more organically. The men whose marriages ended over their infidelity? Far less likely to be decent dads in my experience, in part because they bring many of the same bad "relationship skills" to parenting that they did to their marriage. Lying, gaslighting, selfishness - none of these are conducive to a productive or healthy father/child relationship. They tend to cycle in and out of their kids' lives depending on how their other relationships are going, which creates a lack of trust in the parent/child relationship at best. At worst, it causes a cycle in which the child endlessly tries to win back their father's attention, not really understanding that the problem isn't them.

It's toxic, and it can only be fixed if the dad really wants to fix it, and devotes energy to improving himself and putting his kids first.

I can relate to this. Be grateful you don’t have children with this person. It would be so much worse. Your thoughts are understandable. It would be easier if he just stopped breathing. No need to explain anything to anyone, no messy divorce. This is a very messy situation but be grateful that eventually you can move on and choose to never look back. Years from now you will feel nothing for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me and died. 10/10 I'd take him cheating again over him being gone from this world. You have no idea what it's like to be a widow.

OP here. I'm sorry for your loss too. If your DH's cheating had led to a divorce, and you didn't have kids to consider, I'm curious how being a widow would be worse. For the record, it's not a competition, I know. This was just my own personal thought exercise today. I was surprised to realize that, for me, considering the factors I listed in my OP, I think it would've been emotionally, socially, and logistically "easier" to be a widow.

Being a widow is worse because someone DIED. Got it?

That is not always harder .

I am not a widow nor am I aware of any cheating from my DH, but in OP’s shoes I would feel that my whole 20+ years relationship was a lie and that I never knew the man I married. I don’t know if this would be worse than a death, but it is something to think about. Also, i have kids and because of them, it would be absolutely worse if DH died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are beyond selfish and cruel OP.

Get therapy.

Seriously. Wishing death on someone is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are beyond selfish and cruel OP.

Get therapy.

Seriously. Wishing death on someone is horrible.

Or thinking a widow has it easy.

My brother died unexpectedly and suddenly. His widow is still a mess 13 years later. It has effected every single member of the a family negatively.

After a few months most people forget. They expect you to move on, start dating, “you’re still young, you can find someone new.”

Do not compare a divorce to a death. It’s not the same. Divorce is not the the end of the world. It’s so self centered and selfish to act like death is better. IT IS NOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

+1
I understand the OP has no kids so she said the shocking thing she said. But usually widow/widowers do and it's a devastating loss and big adjustment for the child to lose a parent. The remaining parent has to cover both roles. I would not express your thoughts to real widow/widowers.