DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me and died. 10/10 I'd take him cheating again over him being gone from this world. You have no idea what it's like to be a widow.

OP here. I'm sorry for your loss too. If your DH's cheating had led to a divorce, and you didn't have kids to consider, I'm curious how being a widow would be worse. For the record, it's not a competition, I know. This was just my own personal thought exercise today. I was surprised to realize that, for me, considering the factors I listed in my OP, I think it would've been emotionally, socially, and logistically "easier" to be a widow.

Being a widow is worse because someone DIED. Got it?

Honestly no, I don't see it that way. Please elaborate.

So... could you off him and make it look like an accident?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

So is he gay then? If he is okay with his parents and your friends knowing, maybe you can maintain a relationship with the parents and friends, and even have a friendship with him over time. People should understand that if he is gay, this marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You mention that he is your best friend. Maybe one day you will be confiding in him about your next relationship.

NP but this is not some lifetime movie with a happy ending, it's OP's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

So is he gay then? If he is okay with his parents and your friends knowing, maybe you can maintain a relationship with the parents and friends, and even have a friendship with him over time. People should understand that if he is gay, this marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You mention that he is your best friend. Maybe one day you will be confiding in him about your next relationship.

Nope, he claims he's 100 percent straight. And of course he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

Here's how you get your support network back - TELL EVERYONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me and died. 10/10 I'd take him cheating again over him being gone from this world. You have no idea what it's like to be a widow.

OP here. I'm sorry for your loss too. If your DH's cheating had led to a divorce, and you didn't have kids to consider, I'm curious how being a widow would be worse. For the record, it's not a competition, I know. This was just my own personal thought exercise today. I was surprised to realize that, for me, considering the factors I listed in my OP, I think it would've been emotionally, socially, and logistically "easier" to be a widow.

Being a widow is worse because someone DIED. Got it?

That is not always harder .

[Anonymous]

Question for OP - can you tell us a little more about why he says this was out of his control? I don't understand that part.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

So is he gay then? If he is okay with his parents and your friends knowing, maybe you can maintain a relationship with the parents and friends, and even have a friendship with him over time. People should understand that if he is gay, this marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You mention that he is your best friend. Maybe one day you will be confiding in him about your next relationship.

Nope, he claims he's 100 percent straight. And of course he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

Here's how you get your support network back - TELL EVERYONE.

This. Why are you protecting him?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are hurting but it doesn't give you the right to be so intolerable. Good lord, sometimes people go through years of suffering before they die, and the spouses are left with astronomical medical bills after the death.

We get it, he's gay. Divorce and move on.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. I wish I could help you in real life. This happened to me - well a version of this happened to me about ten years ago.

I found his emails and threw him out of the house after 10 years of marriage. My ex's behavior was more dangerous than what you've written here. I didn't tell my family or friends for several months. They all thought I had gone off the rails - I didn't return phone calls, I ran out of school meetings, etc.

It was the (second) biggest mistake of my life. The first was marrying my ex in the first place.

Please tell your friends. People will surprise you. They will rally behind you, and you need this support. Please don't make the mistake I made. I was so isolated for so long, hiding my ex's shame - well, I absorbed the shame and carried it around for everyone. It nearly killed me. Please find ONE person this weekend to tell. Another person by Tuesday, another by Friday. People will help. You will get through this

[Anonymous]

No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP. I wish I could help you in real life. This happened to me - well a version of this happened to me about ten years ago.

I found his emails and threw him out of the house after 10 years of marriage. My ex's behavior was more dangerous than what you've written here. I didn't tell my family or friends for several months. They all thought I had gone off the rails - I didn't return phone calls, I ran out of school meetings, etc.

It was the (second) biggest mistake of my life. The first was marrying my ex in the first place.

Please tell your friends. People will surprise you. They will rally behind you, and you need this support. Please don't make the mistake I made. I was so isolated for so long, hiding my ex's shame - well, I absorbed the shame and carried it around for everyone. It nearly killed me. Please find ONE person this weekend to tell. Another person by Tuesday, another by Friday. People will help. You will get through this

Don't go around telling your marital business in an effort to shame him. People have evolved now and will see it as something he could not help since he is gay.

People know why folks divorce and his family probably suspects that he is gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

No, move on with HONESTY.

She has every right to tell her truth and get support. And no, people will not give him all the sympathy in my circles. He might get some, but she will deservedly get most of it - and she will need it. And yes, I have seen this happen recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

Divorced moms get social isolation from people that weren't their friends to begin with.

Fast forward to 2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP. I wish I could help you in real life. This happened to me - well a version of this happened to me about ten years ago.

I found his emails and threw him out of the house after 10 years of marriage. My ex's behavior was more dangerous than what you've written here. I didn't tell my family or friends for several months. They all thought I had gone off the rails - I didn't return phone calls, I ran out of school meetings, etc.

It was the (second) biggest mistake of my life. The first was marrying my ex in the first place.

Please tell your friends. People will surprise you. They will rally behind you, and you need this support. Please don't make the mistake I made. I was so isolated for so long, hiding my ex's shame - well, I absorbed the shame and carried it around for everyone. It nearly killed me. Please find ONE person this weekend to tell. Another person by Tuesday, another by Friday. People will help. You will get through this

Don't go around telling your marital business in an effort to shame him. People have evolved now and will see it as something he could not help since he is gay.

People know why folks divorce and his family probably suspects that he is gay.

Are you talking to me, the PP? I most certainly did tell people the truth. It just took me too much time to do so.

And no, people to this day deny that he is gay. He denies he's gay and he dates wealthy older women. I don't care about that. I care about my truth and telling it to my friends and family, and OP has the same rights to do this.