DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

[Anonymous]

So was he raped op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is a distasteful thing to say and minimizes the suffering of widows, a situation OP can't really claim to understand (and admits).

As a widow, I disagree. I've also got kids with SN. Misery, hardship and invisibility are not competitions. Something that devastates me could be a bump in the road for someone else. It doesn't make me unreasonable or weak. It doesn't make the other person super strong or more resilient. It just makes us different.

No one, widow or divorcee or parent to kids with SN, gets to define who is more impacted. If you're offended, you are choosing to be.

Sounds like you agree with me then, since it is OP who is saying it's easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

No, move on with HONESTY.

She has every right to tell her truth and get support. And no, people will not give him all the sympathy in my circles. He might get some, but she will deservedly get most of it - and she will need it. And yes, I have seen this happen recently.

If you badmouth your ex, people think YOU are the bad guy, even I what you say is true.

Is telling the truth about why your marriage imploded and you’re devastated when speaking to your closest friends and family really considered badmouthing or gossiping? There’s no need to tell everyone she encounters, but why do his actions merit her suffering in isolation?

[Anonymous]

I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

[Anonymous]

For OP's sake, I hope it was a curable STD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No kids, but we've been together since college, 22 years. Losing my financial stability because he makes twice my salary, and we just put all our money into renovating our "forever" home that I won't be able to afford by myself and we won't be able to sell it for what we've put into it.

I'm sorry for your loss, 19:14, and I appreciate the sympathy from PPs. Just having a rough night.

You'll get through it. Many relationships survive infidelity. Don't make any rush decisions right now - you're not in a good place to do it.

That said, it'd be nice for you to make more money. Money always gives options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who was in the process of separating from her husband. She had cheated on him. It was a really difficult and uncomfortable situation for everyone.

In the midst of all this happening, he was in an accident and died. Immediately she had a ton of support and people all around her. Also it was as though none of the bad had ever happened and her cheating was forgotten. She talked about him as though they had never separated and as though they had a great marriage and a great person. It was really bizarre.

It was far better for her that he had died. However it was much much more traumatic for the kids and his family. She was really the only one who benefited socially and financially from his death. Her kids however did not do well at all and had a really really hard time. Much worse than if they had separated. They had been very close to their dad and the loss was profound and traumatic.

It's not better for her at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

She could have made her point without minimizing the suffering of widows.

Do you have any evidence to support your theory that outcomes are worse for kids with living parents?

Np here. I’ve seen many studies that show that when a father dies vs leaves the family but stays alive, his daughters are emotionally better off vis a vis relationships with other men. Girls whose dads abandon are more likely to be promiscuous and seek attention from other men in unhealthy manners and have a lower self esteem in romantic relationships

Divorcing a woman doesn't have to mean abandoning her kids.

[Anonymous]

You may have been devastated if he would have died too. Look at Venessa Bryant. It is not easy for her to be a widow. Though personally I feel that the loss of Gigi is much more devastating to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 really good friends 1 a widow, 1 H left her. We discussed this recently together.

It has been much harder to explain to the kids your dad chose to leave you than dad died.

While having a dad die hurts it so much harder knowing he is alive and doesn’t give a shit about you.

The widow says it’s so hard to ever imagine a dad who chooses to leave his kids because she and her H would give anything to be together again. The leaver could be with his kids and chose not to... unimaginable to her.

Honestly, you need to work on your boundaries. You and kids are not the same thing. It's possible to divorce your wife and continue your parenting relationship with your children. You and your kids are separate entities, your husband has separate feelings for you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP. I wish I could help you in real life. This happened to me - well a version of this happened to me about ten years ago.

I found his emails and threw him out of the house after 10 years of marriage. My ex's behavior was more dangerous than what you've written here. I didn't tell my family or friends for several months. They all thought I had gone off the rails - I didn't return phone calls, I ran out of school meetings, etc.

It was the (second) biggest mistake of my life. The first was marrying my ex in the first place.

Please tell your friends. People will surprise you. They will rally behind you, and you need this support. Please don't make the mistake I made. I was so isolated for so long, hiding my ex's shame - well, I absorbed the shame and carried it around for everyone. It nearly killed me. Please find ONE person this weekend to tell. Another person by Tuesday, another by Friday. People will help. You will get through this

Honestly, this part is true. I know you want sympathy, but the sympathy you get from telling everyone at this point is a cheap sugar rush. It will come and go, and not make any difference for you.

Find one or two close friends to confide in. Don't run your mouth to all and sundry. You'll live to regret it.

Don't go around telling your marital business in an effort to shame him. People have evolved now and will see it as something he could not help since he is gay.

People know why folks divorce and his family probably suspects that he is gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP. I wish I could help you in real life. This happened to me - well a version of this happened to me about ten years ago.

I found his emails and threw him out of the house after 10 years of marriage. My ex's behavior was more dangerous than what you've written here. I didn't tell my family or friends for several months. They all thought I had gone off the rails - I didn't return phone calls, I ran out of school meetings, etc.

It was the (second) biggest mistake of my life. The first was marrying my ex in the first place.

Please tell your friends. People will surprise you. They will rally behind you, and you need this support. Please don't make the mistake I made. I was so isolated for so long, hiding my ex's shame - well, I absorbed the shame and carried it around for everyone. It nearly killed me. Please find ONE person this weekend to tell. Another person by Tuesday, another by Friday. People will help. You will get through this

Don't go around telling your marital business in an effort to shame him. People have evolved now and will see it as something he could not help since he is gay.

People know why folks divorce and his family probably suspects that he is gay.

Honestly, this part is true. I know you want sympathy, but the sympathy you get from telling everyone at this point is a cheap sugar rush. It will come and go, and not make any difference for you.

Find one or two close friends to confide in. Don't run your mouth to all and sundry. You'll live to regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may have been devastated if he would have died too. Look at Venessa Bryant. It is not easy for her to be a widow. Though personally I feel that the loss of Gigi is much more devastating to her.

Even though Vanessa Bryant was cheated on it appears she stayed with him (and had more kids with him) either because she truly loved him and forgave him and/or she was reluctant to give up the high dollar lifestyle and/or she did not want to separate him from his children. In any of these cases I would think she would be pretty broken up over his too young, horrible, violent and tragic death. The death of her precious daughter was likely even harder to take but I imagine she was pretty darn upset about the death of Kobe too. The immediate devastation of being cheated on is pretty different from the much later aftermath of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I am a widow and I find this offensive as hell. You have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is a distasteful thing to say and minimizes the suffering of widows, a situation OP can't really claim to understand (and admits).

As a widow, I disagree. I've also got kids with SN. Misery, hardship and invisibility are not competitions. Something that devastates me could be a bump in the road for someone else. It doesn't make me unreasonable or weak. It doesn't make the other person super strong or more resilient. It just makes us different.

No one, widow or divorcee or parent to kids with SN, gets to define who is more impacted. If you're offended, you are choosing to be.

Sounds like you agree with me then, since it is OP who is saying it's easier.

I'm the PP you are responding to. If you construe what I've written to mean that I agree with you, well, I feel sorry for anyone who has a relationship with you, especially a relationship by birth.

Based on what OP has written, I agree that it would have been easier for OP if her marital relationship ended because of death rather than infidelity and an STD. If can't imagine why that would be the case, you lack imagination and compassion. It's yet another indication that we should pity anyone who has a relationship with you.