SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We put in about equal numbers of work hours. He does about 45 hours a week of employed work and I put in the same hours at home. Even with 3 young kids I can get pretty much everything done that needs to be done in those 45 hours. That is a lot of time to do housework, errands, shopping, planning, organizing and all other house management related things. By using my time productively there really isn't much left to do on weekends or evenings. I try and get as much of the house and car maintenance done as possible but sometimes I leave things for him because I don't know how to do them.

During evenings and weekends we both do things that can't be done during the regular workweek - like dinner dishes, bedtime routines, weekend events etc.

We both expect the other to put in a full work week from Monday to Friday - getting done as much as possible. outside of that we share it. Sometimes because a kid has been sick or something else going on, I can't get all my work done that week and then we both pick up my slack on evenings or weekends, just like his colleagues would do for him if he couldn't get everything done for whatever reason.

We both take time for ourselves when we need it. He works out in the basement in the mornings before the kids are even up and i do lots of walking with them during the day so we don't really have designated me time for the gym. It is usually more about seeing a friend or doing something else.

This seems like a great division of labor. I think a lot of men with SAH spouses don’t help with dishes or bedtime (and sometimes interfere with those things, making them much more difficult), or want to be alone with kids evenings or weekends while their wives relax or visit with a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

Huh? That is exactly what we do in our family. I only stayed home to be with my kids. Chores are unrelated to job/school status in our family. Everyone helps.

+1
We outsourced chores. We did not outsource childcare. I am a highly educated ( double masters) sahm with tons of certification. My kids benefit by having me as their support, tutor and advisor at home. Chores are low value stuff. Taking care of the kids and guiding them is high value stuff. I am the planner and organizer in the family.

Kids are thriving with no behaviour problems. They are high achievers at school. House is running well because I can manage the people who are responsible for the chores. DH is doing well and out marriage is strong because there is very few stressors.

I have no desire to spend any of my time working for some one else..I am willing to give all my talents and education to my kids. Maybe when they leave for college, I'll go and get a job. For now, I am valuable at home and I want to give my time, love and education to my kids.

That's great. YOu realize good hunk of this is luck, right? (Not snarky, serious question).
What is snarky" Guessing you only have 2 kids. In my experience the people with 2 or fewer have outsized perceptions of what their impact on their children is when those children are "Good."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We put in about equal numbers of work hours. He does about 45 hours a week of employed work and I put in the same hours at home. Even with 3 young kids I can get pretty much everything done that needs to be done in those 45 hours. That is a lot of time to do housework, errands, shopping, planning, organizing and all other house management related things. By using my time productively there really isn't much left to do on weekends or evenings. I try and get as much of the house and car maintenance done as possible but sometimes I leave things for him because I don't know how to do them.

During evenings and weekends we both do things that can't be done during the regular workweek - like dinner dishes, bedtime routines, weekend events etc.

We both expect the other to put in a full work week from Monday to Friday - getting done as much as possible. outside of that we share it. Sometimes because a kid has been sick or something else going on, I can't get all my work done that week and then we both pick up my slack on evenings or weekends, just like his colleagues would do for him if he couldn't get everything done for whatever reason.

We both take time for ourselves when we need it. He works out in the basement in the mornings before the kids are even up and i do lots of walking with them during the day so we don't really have designated me time for the gym. It is usually more about seeing a friend or doing something else.

This seems like a great division of labor. I think a lot of men with SAH spouses don’t help with dishes or bedtime (and sometimes interfere with those things, making them much more difficult), or want to be alone with kids evenings or weekends while their wives relax or visit with a friend.

It works great. We don't have assigned tasks and neither of us care about 50/50 at all. I get everything I can done during the day. Anything that needs to get done in the evening or weekend, just gets done by one of us. I don't tell him what to do or give him lists and he doesn't tell me what I do. We both just do what needs to get done. We each usually go out on our own one evening every other week, sometimes if we are doing an activity, it is every week.

The dads I know with SAHMs still do bedtime and dishes and are pretty involved. Maybe it is just the friends we have but I don't know any family where dad just comes home and sits on the couch for hours or plays video games for hours and isn't involved with the kids or house. Pretty much all the families we socialize with have involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

This.

Sounds like you need to get out of your bubble and meet more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

This.

You have a very second-wave understanding of feminism.

In The End of Men, Hanna Rosin says something like once individuals have shed the trappings of patriarchy in the home - which many of us raised in feminist households of the 90s and 00s have - they are free to make childcare and work arrangements that reflect their own individual needs and desires and are not bound to gender expectations. She admits she herself is too tied up in “the meaning” of stay at hone motherhood as she acquired it in the 70s/80s, but applauds those who are progressive enough to shape their family differently. Hence, the rise in highly educated, often very upper middle class, women choosing to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

Huh? That is exactly what we do in our family. I only stayed home to be with my kids. Chores are unrelated to job/school status in our family. Everyone helps.

+1
We outsourced chores. We did not outsource childcare. I am a highly educated ( double masters) sahm with tons of certification. My kids benefit by having me as their support, tutor and advisor at home. Chores are low value stuff. Taking care of the kids and guiding them is high value stuff. I am the planner and organizer in the family.

Kids are thriving with no behaviour problems. They are high achievers at school. House is running well because I can manage the people who are responsible for the chores. DH is doing well and out marriage is strong because there is very few stressors.

I have no desire to spend any of my time working for some one else..I am willing to give all my talents and education to my kids. Maybe when they leave for college, I'll go and get a job. For now, I am valuable at home and I want to give my time, love and education to my kids.

That's great. YOu realize good hunk of this is luck, right? (Not snarky, serious question).
What is snarky" Guessing you only have 2 kids. In my experience the people with 2 or fewer have outsized perceptions of what their impact on their children is when those children are "Good."

NP but what a bizarre response. She said she is highly educated and wants to use her time and education on her kids at home. What is wrong with a parent wanting to be there for their kids? It’s not like the sole purpose of education is to get a professional job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

This.

+1
SAH is many things, some of them good, but progressive and egalitarian? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I SAH because DH’s job doesn’t have much predictability. Some yes, but not enough to be able to cover childcare between us and daycare. And my work schedule had shorter hours but those hours were set and I had no flexibility. I’m happy with my choice and DH does do some housework and pretty much all the grosser jobs like trash and handyman stuff. I think some people here would attach DH and day he should find a job that accommodates our schedules enough for us to both work, but I think that is ridiculous, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

I SAHM with 3 kids and do it all. My husband will pitch in once in a while with something like cleaning dishes and taking out garbage, but otherwise, he rests and plays with the kids when he's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I am a SAHM and I personally know one husband/father who did not do anything to help at home or with kids, and I had friends who were SAH, WOH, PT WOH, all combinations. It is just not sustainable in a marriage and that marriage did not survive. It is very hard to stay married to someone you don't respect.