SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

I'm curious to hear from other SAHM whether or not they do everything at home and with the kids and house because they stay at home. I'm talking finances/bills/planning/vacations/future plans/housework (with kids chipping in for chores on a regular basis)/shopping/cooking/clean up/laundry/educational concerns of children/medical concerns and responsibilities for children/home and property maintenance/hiring people to do outside work when necessary/socialization planning, etc.

Is it reasonable to expect the other parent to do anything when they are home, or should they just be able to relax and have no responsibilities when home?

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM of 3 kids. I have a PT housekeeper who comes 3x per week. She cleans, does laundry and helps meal prep. I would literally be cleaning all day if I didn't have help.

When DH is home, he cleans more than I do. I was never the cleaning type. I like my house clean but don't like to do the cleaning.

I handle signing up and planning for everything with the kids. I do all the vacation planning. I pay the bills and handle the finances. DH does help drive kids around on weekends and if he gets home early from work.

[Anonymous]

Labor should be divided equally.
So, if SAHM is working (child care, housework, etc) the entire time DH is at work, then they split up the remaining tasks equally at home.
If SAHM is going to the gym and coffee with friends while the kids are at school, that does not count as work time and SAHM should take on more in the evenings and on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Of this list: finances/bills/planning/vacations/future plans/housework

I do everything except I have a cleaning person who comes every other week and husband mostly handles outdoor stuff (although we have someone who mows/does other stuff), so it is mostly one-off stuff that he handles. He does clean up after himself and will assist if I am doing stuff on the weekend/evening. But we have pretty clear divisions of labor at this point.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM to 3 and I just about everything. My husband does the yard work, sometimes. But I never do it, so if he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done, which I've learned to be fine with.

We have a big house and it is a HUGE effort to clean. I spend a ton of time cleaning and doing laundry and making food from scratch.

To be fair: My DH is not lazy. He works extremely hard at his job, is very successful, but leaves very early and comes home very late. He often works over the weekend too. We could afford housecleaners and to outsource everything, but I prefer to do it myself. We had housecleaners at one point and I was never happy with their work.

[Anonymous]

I’m at SAHM, but we have a live in housekeeper and our youngest is a senior in hs. Life is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to 3 and I just about everything. My husband does the yard work, sometimes. But I never do it, so if he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done, which I've learned to be fine with.

We have a big house and it is a HUGE effort to clean. I spend a ton of time cleaning and doing laundry and making food from scratch.

To be fair: My DH is not lazy. He works extremely hard at his job, is very successful, but leaves very early and comes home very late. He often works over the weekend too. We could afford housecleaners and to outsource everything, but I prefer to do it myself. We had housecleaners at one point and I was never happy with their work.

Same situation here. DH works like crazy. I clean any time I have 10 minutes to myself. We outsource yard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Labor should be divided equally.
So, if SAHM is working (child care, housework, etc) the entire time DH is at work, then they split up the remaining tasks equally at home.
If SAHM is going to the gym and coffee with friends while the kids are at school, that does not count as work time and SAHM should take on more in the evenings and on weekends.

I agree with this.

When DH is home we split 50/50. We have young kids so my days are exhausting. I can imagine if I continue to SAH once they’re all in school I’ll take on more of what DH does or do more on the weekend than he does.

But under no circumstances is DH now, or ever will be, “waited on” like some SAHMs of the past did.

[Anonymous]

Finances and bills - I set up the online bill pay and make sure they go through, but DH does our taxes every year and manages our investments and retirement/college savings.

Planning vacations - we do this together but don’t go anywhere extravagant.

Housework - I do most of it but he has his chores - lawn care and snow removal, trash and recycling, he took over the litter boxes when I was pregnant and has kept doing them. He also does his own clothes laundry.

Shopping - we’re actually getting close to 50-50 on this because he takes our oldest to Wegmans early-ish in the morning on the weekends. He says there are lots of dads and little kids there! But I do the mid-week trips to Target and Walmart and stuff, and any midweek grocery trips or delivery that we might need. I also manage our Hello Fresh meals, we usually get meals about every other week.

Cooking/clean-up - usually me

Laundry - me apart from his own clothing laundry which he does on his own

Education and kids extra-curriculars - me

Kids medical - mostly me but he’ll definitely take a sick kid to the doctor on the weekend or if he’s home. He mostly takes the lead on vet stuff for our cats, one of whom has some chronic medical issues.

Home maintenance - he’s pretty handy and I am not, hahaha.

Hiring people - the research for who to hire, contacting the companies, and setting up the work is almost always me, but we do talk about it beforehand and I’d never set up work without talking to him first.

Socialization - I do all the kid play dates, kid swimming lessons, kid sports, etc. etc. He gets us together with some of his friends or work friends who have kids roughly the same age though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to hear from other SAHM whether or not they do everything at home and with the kids and house because they stay at home. I'm talking finances/bills/planning/vacations/future plans/housework (with kids chipping in for chores on a regular basis)/shopping/cooking/clean up/laundry/educational concerns of children/medical concerns and responsibilities for children/home and property maintenance/hiring people to do outside work when necessary/socialization planning, etc.

Is it reasonable to expect the other parent to do anything when they are home, or should they just be able to relax and have no responsibilities when home?

No adult, let alone parent, should just relax and have no responsibilities at home.

[Anonymous]

DH does finances and outside house work/scheduling.

I do kids, cleaning (ex 2x a month cleaners) and cooking and inside house work scheduling.

He works had all day and needs to recharge when he gets home and needs his sleep to be able to do his job.

[Anonymous]

I do all the cleaning, laundry, childcare, kid scheduling, and doctor visits.

My husband and I share: grocery shopping, cooking (because he likes to cook), kid activities, and parent teacher conferences.

Husband does: bills, investments, yard work.

[Anonymous]

Both partners should have equal amounts of "me" time. No, the SAHM should not have to work 18 hr days doing everything around the house while her husband comes home at 5 and relaxes for the rest of the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both partners should have equal amounts of "me" time. No, the SAHM should not have to work 18 hr days doing everything around the house while her husband comes home at 5 and relaxes for the rest of the evening.

This. We have 3 kids. On the weekends we divide things pretty much 50/50. I vacation plan and plan all kids activities and take them to all weekday activities and appointments. He works long hours, but when he is home he helps put kids to sleep and with dishes. He helps first thing in the morning before leaving for work also. We have part time housekeeper that helps with laundry and cleaning. Even with her help I still have lots of cleaning, organizing, and childcare to do.

[Anonymous]

I do most of the house stuff, all the shopping and cooking. I do most of the appointments except when I don't feel well but husband does a lot of the evening activities so it all balances out.