SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He goes to work to earn money and that is his job. You stay home and take care if all household/ child duties and this is your job. You probably have a cleaning person as well as a nanny or au pair so why should the person earning the money help you with anything?

If the kids don't see both parents doing chores like cooking and cleaning up after dinner (after work hours for both parents end), then they will grow up thinking their future spouse will do it all too. Cooking, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher - that's part of living in a family and it's healthy for the kids to see both spouses stepping up, not just the SAH parent. Yes, the work day has ended, but that type of work in the home continues until bedtime and has to be done.

I think it's important for the kids to help out too as they get older, especially if they want to earn privileges and allowance.

Yeah that PP must be a troll. Even my Asian grandparents living in Asia with very very traditional gender roles (uneducated middle school drop out grandma, highly educated /working grandpa) don’t live like that. Grandfather does some cleaning, disciplined and engaged with the kids, and even in his 90s now makes lunch for the two of them and cleans the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is childcare work when someone is paid to do it but not work when a parent does it?

Because in one case it’s parenting/living life.

This.

It’s nit a job. It’s a relationship. I wouldn’t quit my job to be a nanny for some other children, but it’s very important for me to be able to be home with my own children.

It’s kind of like brushing your teeth. Brushing a strangers teeth is a job. Brushing your own teeth is part of life. And while I probably wouldn’t pay a lot or need someone highly educated to brush my teeth if I couldn’t do it, I would give up a lot to be able to do it on my own.

Childcare is still work that needs to be done. Either you pay someone to do it, or you do it yourself, but it remains work that needs to be done by someone and has value as such.

When a parent does the work of childcare, the family saves the money they would have spent and that has value, huge value in our area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

Hahaha! I’m pretty sure the IRS would laugh in your face if you tried to get out of tax fraud by saying “Oh, only my husband earned that money - I signed the married filing jointly tax forms, but it’s not MY fault!”

If both spouses file together, you’re both in trouble if you try to cheat on your taxes. Just like you both benefit from your tax refund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He goes to work to earn money and that is his job. You stay home and take care if all household/ child duties and this is your job. You probably have a cleaning person as well as a nanny or au pair so why should the person earning the money help you with anything?

If the kids don't see both parents doing chores like cooking and cleaning up after dinner (after work hours for both parents end), then they will grow up thinking their future spouse will do it all too. Cooking, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher - that's part of living in a family and it's healthy for the kids to see both spouses stepping up, not just the SAH parent. Yes, the work day has ended, but that type of work in the home continues until bedtime and has to be done.

I think it's important for the kids to help out too as they get older, especially if they want to earn privileges and allowance.

Yeah that PP must be a troll. Even my Asian grandparents living in Asia with very very traditional gender roles (uneducated middle school drop out grandma, highly educated /working grandpa) don’t live like that. Grandfather does some cleaning, disciplined and engaged with the kids, and even in his 90s now makes lunch for the two of them and cleans the kitchen.

Yes, seems like a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

Hahaha! I’m pretty sure the IRS would laugh in your face if you tried to get out of tax fraud by saying “Oh, only my husband earned that money - I signed the married filing jointly tax forms, but it’s not MY fault!”

If both spouses file together, you’re both in trouble if you try to cheat on your taxes. Just like you both benefit from your tax refund.

+ 1

Can someone please explain the concept of marital property to all these PPs who always say SAHMs don’t have their “own” money?

Marriage is, among other things, a legally binding economic agreement. The details differ by state, but money earned during the marriage is marital property in all of them, the only thing that differs is how much of a right one has to money earned before the marriage or after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

My pat answer is - ‘it depends’. There are many different scenarios. My basic thinking is that everyone who contributes to the mess, has a responsibility to clean up and pick up.

Practically, I end up doing more of the house, yard and car stuff. I am home more and have a somewhat more flexible schedule. BUT, I am a stay at home mom not maid. I was an indifferent housekeeper before and staying at home did not magically transform me into a fabulous one. The reason for me quitting and staying at home were 100% because having two full time working parents with 2 SN children just did not work- for us.

It works because we all pitch in and don't moan or complain to each other and definitely do not bean count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is childcare work when someone is paid to do it but not work when a parent does it?

Because in one case it’s parenting/living life.

This.

It’s nit a job. It’s a relationship. I wouldn’t quit my job to be a nanny for some other children, but it’s very important for me to be able to be home with my own children.

It’s kind of like brushing your teeth. Brushing a strangers teeth is a job. Brushing your own teeth is part of life. And while I probably wouldn’t pay a lot or need someone highly educated to brush my teeth if I couldn’t do it, I would give up a lot to be able to do it on my own.

Childcare is still work that needs to be done. Either you pay someone to do it, or you do it yourself, but it remains work that needs to be done by someone and has value as such.

When a parent does the work of childcare, the family saves the money they would have spent and that has value, huge value in our area.

So does taking a shower and brushing your teeth. If you are in a position that you have to pay someone to do those things for you, it’s expensive.

But the benefits of doing those things myself for myself far outweigh the financial benefits. There is an intrinsic benefit to taking care of my own personal hygiene or taking care of my own children. That intrinsic value comes from the relationship I have with myself or my children, and that’s what makes it not a job. It doesn’t matter what I would pay someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

Hahaha! I’m pretty sure the IRS would laugh in your face if you tried to get out of tax fraud by saying “Oh, only my husband earned that money - I signed the married filing jointly tax forms, but it’s not MY fault!”

If both spouses file together, you’re both in trouble if you try to cheat on your taxes. Just like you both benefit from your tax refund.

You may want to look at innocent spouse and injured spouse. They both address what you just said and totally contradict you. NP, by the way. I just can't stand it when people say ignorant things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He goes to work to earn money and that is his job. You stay home and take care if all household/ child duties and this is your job. You probably have a cleaning person as well as a nanny or au pair so why should the person earning the money help you with anything?

If the kids don't see both parents doing chores like cooking and cleaning up after dinner (after work hours for both parents end), then they will grow up thinking their future spouse will do it all too. Cooking, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher - that's part of living in a family and it's healthy for the kids to see both spouses stepping up, not just the SAH parent. Yes, the work day has ended, but that type of work in the home continues until bedtime and has to be done.

I think it's important for the kids to help out too as they get older, especially if they want to earn privileges and allowance.

Right. Which is why both parents should work. The woman staying home puts her at a disadvantage and means she is doing way more of the housework and other unpleasant chores. It’s almost as if she works for the husband and kids. Instead of seeing both parents raise a family they see dad going to work and mom as the worker bee who drives them around, cleans up, cooks meals etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He goes to work to earn money and that is his job. You stay home and take care if all household/ child duties and this is your job. You probably have a cleaning person as well as a nanny or au pair so why should the person earning the money help you with anything?

If the kids don't see both parents doing chores like cooking and cleaning up after dinner (after work hours for both parents end), then they will grow up thinking their future spouse will do it all too. Cooking, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher - that's part of living in a family and it's healthy for the kids to see both spouses stepping up, not just the SAH parent. Yes, the work day has ended, but that type of work in the home continues until bedtime and has to be done.

I think it's important for the kids to help out too as they get older, especially if they want to earn privileges and allowance.

Right. Which is why both parents should work. The woman staying home puts her at a disadvantage and means she is doing way more of the housework and other unpleasant chores. It’s almost as if she works for the husband and kids. Instead of seeing both parents raise a family they see dad going to work and mom as the worker bee who drives them around, cleans up, cooks meals etc.

Caring for children is work. That’s why nannies and daycare workers get a paycheck. It doesn’t magically become non work just because the parent stays home to do it. So I agree with you, both parents should work. I just don’t define it as salaried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He goes to work to earn money and that is his job. You stay home and take care if all household/ child duties and this is your job. You probably have a cleaning person as well as a nanny or au pair so why should the person earning the money help you with anything?

If the kids don't see both parents doing chores like cooking and cleaning up after dinner (after work hours for both parents end), then they will grow up thinking their future spouse will do it all too. Cooking, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher - that's part of living in a family and it's healthy for the kids to see both spouses stepping up, not just the SAH parent. Yes, the work day has ended, but that type of work in the home continues until bedtime and has to be done.

I think it's important for the kids to help out too as they get older, especially if they want to earn privileges and allowance.

Right. Which is why both parents should work. The woman staying home puts her at a disadvantage and means she is doing way more of the housework and other unpleasant chores. It’s almost as if she works for the husband and kids. Instead of seeing both parents raise a family they see dad going to work and mom as the worker bee who drives them around, cleans up, cooks meals etc.

Caring for children is work. That’s why nannies and daycare workers get a paycheck. It doesn’t magically become non work just because the parent stays home to do it. So I agree with you, both parents should work. I just don’t define it as salaried.

If it’s work then why aren’t you getting a W2?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He goes to work to earn money and that is his job. You stay home and take care if all household/ child duties and this is your job. You probably have a cleaning person as well as a nanny or au pair so why should the person earning the money help you with anything?

If the kids don't see both parents doing chores like cooking and cleaning up after dinner (after work hours for both parents end), then they will grow up thinking their future spouse will do it all too. Cooking, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher - that's part of living in a family and it's healthy for the kids to see both spouses stepping up, not just the SAH parent. Yes, the work day has ended, but that type of work in the home continues until bedtime and has to be done.

I think it's important for the kids to help out too as they get older, especially if they want to earn privileges and allowance.

Right. Which is why both parents should work. The woman staying home puts her at a disadvantage and means she is doing way more of the housework and other unpleasant chores. It’s almost as if she works for the husband and kids. Instead of seeing both parents raise a family they see dad going to work and mom as the worker bee who drives them around, cleans up, cooks meals etc.

Caring for children is work. That’s why nannies and daycare workers get a paycheck. It doesn’t magically become non work just because the parent stays home to do it. So I agree with you, both parents should work. I just don’t define it as salaried.

If it’s work then why aren’t you getting a W2?

W2 is for taxable income, it doesn’t define work.

[Anonymous]

Would you seriously tell a nanny that she doesn’t work?

[Anonymous]

I stay at home with a toddler and preschooler. I do the grocery shopping, meal prep, cooking, dishes, cleaning, organizing, and laundry. I do pre-school drop-off and pickup for my oldest. I schedule doctor's appointments, dentist appts, haircuts, playdates, etc. and do volunteering with the preschool. I also tend to do 80% of the budgeting/bill paying/money management. My husband does litter box, garbage, and his own laundry. He will also do specific things if I ask, but I am the one doling out the tasks, which works for me. We both pitch in with the kids 50/50 when we are home. We tried a housekeeper but didn't find it to be a good value for the money. I would rather just do it myself and reallocate that money since our house is a manageable size for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you seriously tell a nanny that she doesn’t work?

If someone asks where you work, would you really respond “at home, for the X family?”