SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

I did nearly 100 pct of everything when I stayed at home and still do now that I work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did nearly 100 pct of everything when I stayed at home and still do now that I work full time.

Fuh-huk tha-hat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I split everything that is done when he is home. He is a hands on dad and husband. I can get a lot accomplished during the day though, so we have less to do in evenings and weekends.

I get a lot of migraines (better now than it was, so there is improvement) but when I am sick, I can't do anything. He has had to take off work to come pick the kids and me up because I was stranded with them before and could not drive. When I am sick he does everything. Now that my kids are teen and tween ages they do everything when I am sick. It is pretty bad.

PP I am so sorry. Have you seen a neurologist. My DD went on Topomax which helped her a lot. Although some folks do not tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Future plans?
Educational concerns of children?
Socialization planning?

Stop making crap up to sound like a martyr.

Are you being sarcastic?

Planning for the future, educating children, and making plans with friends/family are all real things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Future plans?
Educational concerns of children?
Socialization planning?

Stop making crap up to sound like a martyr.

Are you being sarcastic?

Planning for the future, educating children, and making plans with friends/family are all real things.

NP. When both parents work, these things take up probably two hours in a year. Otherwise it’s just called being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Labor should be divided equally.
So, if SAHM is working (child care, housework, etc) the entire time DH is at work, then they split up the remaining tasks equally at home.
If SAHM is going to the gym and coffee with friends while the kids are at school, that does not count as work time and SAHM should take on more in the evenings and on weekends.

What if the working parent drinks coffee with friends during a break, eats lunch with co-workers, or goes to the gym during the workday? Should they take on more housework in the evenings?

Of course not. That’s part of working.

Why would being around a screaming kid get you some kind of extra credit? That’s literally what your job is. No different than being on a work call with a demanding client.

As to lunches and coffee with work colleagues and network contacts, that’s hardly fun time. That’s still part of the job and most people would far rather with home or with real friends. Totally different than a mom, without her kids, going to coffee with a friend. I’d say it’s more on par with a mom doing a play date. Definitely still on the clock.

[Anonymous]

I’m SAH and do 90% of household chores: cleaning, cooking, childcare/parenting. We both do bills. When my DH is home, he washes dishes (unhappily), will occasionally fold towels/bedsheets, tends to household maintenance, spends time on finances, does work stuff, and spends some time with kids.

[Anonymous]

Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both partners should have equal amounts of "me" time. No, the SAHM should not have to work 18 hr days doing everything around the house while her husband comes home at 5 and relaxes for the rest of the evening.

Once you have school aged kids, there should significant periods of downtime during the day. Even when I had a baby I could nap 2-4 hours during the day or do something else. If you’re spending 18 hours a day working as a SAHM there is a problem!

[Anonymous]

We divide it up as in I do as much as I humanly possibly can after traipsing the kids around all day and he does all he humanly possibly can after working 70 hours a week. Sometimes the carpets get vacuumed, sometimes someone throws laundry in, sometimes someone mows the lawn. Sometimes none of that gets done. We have chores we each favor but really there is no specific division of who does what. We just do what needs to get done when we can do it.

[Anonymous]

My expectation is that the SAHP manages the home. That includes pretty much everything, from child rearing, to cooking, to cleaning, to scheduling, to activities, and whatever else is required. If I am working to support the enterprise financially alone, I am going to focus on working and when I am home, I will focus on being present and enjoying my kids and spouse.

We did this for two years before he threw in the towel. He works full time, I have a weekly cleaner who does laundry, the kids are in school and SACC and I do more of the mental labor but it's fine and doesn't bother me.

When my DH offered to be home full time, I made my expectations clear. When it became to be too much, we reevaluated, he went back to work and we moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My expectation is that the SAHP manages the home. That includes pretty much everything, from child rearing, to cooking, to cleaning, to scheduling, to activities, and whatever else is required. If I am working to support the enterprise financially alone, I am going to focus on working and when I am home, I will focus on being present and enjoying my kids and spouse.

We did this for two years before he threw in the towel. He works full time, I have a weekly cleaner who does laundry, the kids are in school and SACC and I do more of the mental labor but it's fine and doesn't bother me.

When my DH offered to be home full time, I made my expectations clear. When it became to be too much, we reevaluated, he went back to work and we moved on.

Why doesn’t it bother you to do more of the mental labor if he is working? Does that mean that you work less at your job? Did you not make enough money to hire a weekly housekeeper without his financial help?

I have to say that of all of the childcare arrangements I have had (au pair, nanny, daycare, working PT, being a SAHM), working full time with a spouse at home full time was by far the best. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give a little to keep this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My expectation is that the SAHP manages the home. That includes pretty much everything, from child rearing, to cooking, to cleaning, to scheduling, to activities, and whatever else is required. If I am working to support the enterprise financially alone, I am going to focus on working and when I am home, I will focus on being present and enjoying my kids and spouse.

We did this for two years before he threw in the towel. He works full time, I have a weekly cleaner who does laundry, the kids are in school and SACC and I do more of the mental labor but it's fine and doesn't bother me.

When my DH offered to be home full time, I made my expectations clear. When it became to be too much, we reevaluated, he went back to work and we moved on.

Why doesn’t it bother you to do more of the mental labor if he is working? Does that mean that you work less at your job? Did you not make enough money to hire a weekly housekeeper without his financial help?

I have to say that of all of the childcare arrangements I have had (au pair, nanny, daycare, working PT, being a SAHM), working full time with a spouse at home full time was by far the best. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give a little to keep this.

It doesn't bother me because my DH is making money. He's contributing to the cost of running our home, our retirement, our kids' college funds, etc.

I do work a good bit. But I have a very structured job, I travel minimally (4 times a year or so), and without the sole earner pressure, I have eased up on the night work after the kids go to bed. I work less, but do more at home.

When he went back to work, we hired a weekly housecleaner. They do our laundry as well.

My children go to SACC. I drop them off and they do activities at school before I pick them up. I manage camps, breaks (we do SACC), and it's not terribly difficult.

DH has a longer commute and that eats a good bit. He travels too. But honestly, I prefer the money to what we had before. He admittedly was not happy being home, he was mediorce at best and I put my foot down. We can pay for help, but I am not going to work, pay for help, and watch him putter around home. Nope, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My expectation is that the SAHP manages the home. That includes pretty much everything, from child rearing, to cooking, to cleaning, to scheduling, to activities, and whatever else is required. If I am working to support the enterprise financially alone, I am going to focus on working and when I am home, I will focus on being present and enjoying my kids and spouse.

We did this for two years before he threw in the towel. He works full time, I have a weekly cleaner who does laundry, the kids are in school and SACC and I do more of the mental labor but it's fine and doesn't bother me.

When my DH offered to be home full time, I made my expectations clear. When it became to be too much, we reevaluated, he went back to work and we moved on.

Why doesn’t it bother you to do more of the mental labor if he is working? Does that mean that you work less at your job? Did you not make enough money to hire a weekly housekeeper without his financial help?

I have to say that of all of the childcare arrangements I have had (au pair, nanny, daycare, working PT, being a SAHM), working full time with a spouse at home full time was by far the best. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give a little to keep this.

It doesn't bother me because my DH is making money. He's contributing to the cost of running our home, our retirement, our kids' college funds, etc.

I do work a good bit. But I have a very structured job, I travel minimally (4 times a year or so), and without the sole earner pressure, I have eased up on the night work after the kids go to bed. I work less, but do more at home.

When he went back to work, we hired a weekly housecleaner. They do our laundry as well.

My children go to SACC. I drop them off and they do activities at school before I pick them up. I manage camps, breaks (we do SACC), and it's not terribly difficult.

DH has a longer commute and that eats a good bit. He travels too. But honestly, I prefer the money to what we had before. He admittedly was not happy being home, he was mediorce at best and I put my foot down. We can pay for help, but I am not going to work, pay for help, and watch him putter around home. Nope, nope.

Ahh...gotcha. I loved that stuff. I liked having a project and working on it a ton, staying late when I needed to, going in to some of the early morning meetings, etc. But I found that I really only had time, energy, and flexibility for it when DH was doing all of the home stuff. I didn’t mind hiring a housekeeper to do the cleaning. Laundry, and cooking. And it really didn’t bother me what he was doing or not doing during the day. What I didn’t like is what you are doing now. Working all day, then coming home and doing that stuff at night, never really advancing in my career, and not really being a present parent either. It drove me crazy. But I can also see how it might feel like a good balance, particularly if you are using the money for something important to you.