SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I SAH because DH’s job doesn’t have much predictability. Some yes, but not enough to be able to cover childcare between us and daycare. And my work schedule had shorter hours but those hours were set and I had no flexibility. I’m happy with my choice and DH does do some housework and pretty much all the grosser jobs like trash and handyman stuff. I think some people here would attach DH and day he should find a job that accommodates our schedules enough for us to both work, but I think that is ridiculous, to be honest.

It is ridiculous. Families make choices based on what works for them. Dh and I could both work part time but then we would make probably 1/4 of his salary. Some careers are just not set up for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I am a SAHM and I personally know one husband/father who did not do anything to help at home or with kids, and I had friends who were SAH, WOH, PT WOH, all combinations. It is just not sustainable in a marriage and that marriage did not survive. It is very hard to stay married to someone you don't respect.

That may be so, but it's also hard to get out of a marriage even if you don't respect your spouse when they are the ones who control the money. I have a friend going through that right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I am a SAHM and I personally know one husband/father who did not do anything to help at home or with kids, and I had friends who were SAH, WOH, PT WOH, all combinations. It is just not sustainable in a marriage and that marriage did not survive. It is very hard to stay married to someone you don't respect.

+1

We only knew one "retro" relationship and they are currently separated.

For the rest of our peers (UMC, highly educated), both partners are very involved in all aspects of their family (parenting, household, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I am a SAHM and I personally know one husband/father who did not do anything to help at home or with kids, and I had friends who were SAH, WOH, PT WOH, all combinations. It is just not sustainable in a marriage and that marriage did not survive. It is very hard to stay married to someone you don't respect.

That may be so, but it's also hard to get out of a marriage even if you don't respect your spouse when they are the ones who control the money. I have a friend going through that right now.

Yikes - that sounds like an issue regardless of working status. Why would just one partner "control the money"? Huge red flags right there.

[Anonymous]

Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

[Anonymous]

I work part-time from home. 3 kids 2, 5, 7. Part-time nanny. oldest two in a full day of school youngest in part time pre-k. I handle all bills, kid-related stuff, general straightening up, groceries and cooking. I work about 2 hours a day. We have a monthly cleaner. nanny helps with laundry and cleaning too. DH does virtually nothing home related on week days but on weekends helps at home (ie vacuuming) and does other things like home repairs and car maintenance. it works really well for us. But I do feel like I have a good balance of professional work, housework, and me time (nails, exercise).

[Anonymous]

You do what works for your family. If it isn't working, you talk about it or get counselling to figure it out. You don't come to a bunch of strangers on the internet to find a solution.

I hope this helps because reading a decade of DCUM posts about this topic probably isn't going to get you the answer you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

OH MY GOD

Lol, this. SAHM long-term is hardly a progressive choice. In fact, it’s a very retro choice. Barring medical/SN issues, it’s for people who have either 0 career ambition or an unhelpful spouse. Which is fine, but hardly progressive.

Progressive would be both parents choosing flexible jobs that maximize time with their children and allow them to spend roughly equal amounts of time with their children and share household tasks.

PP is actually more accurate but you are missing what she is saying. Women who have a choice about working/not working have that because financially it works for their family, and usually if they SAH, it is because they have a spouse who is not an infant-spouse who truly does nothing at home to help with the children or household. Women who have the choice of working or not working financially but have an infant-spouse often choose TO WORK because then they are able to get more help - either because their husband has to step up or they can outsource.

Having a spouse who behaves like an infant is not sustainable in a marriage, especially if you are a SAHP. If you have to work to get your husband to act like an adult, then that is what you have to do.

This is so not true. The SAHMs I know do so because their DHs are very little help with kids or the house and they don’t have family nearby who are willing/able to help. The moms don’t want to outsource a ton of childcare, they want a family member to be with their kids, so they’re essentially forced to quit. The UMC WOHMs I know would quit in an instant if they didn’t have a DH who was willing to pull his weight.

I am a SAHM and I personally know one husband/father who did not do anything to help at home or with kids, and I had friends who were SAH, WOH, PT WOH, all combinations. It is just not sustainable in a marriage and that marriage did not survive. It is very hard to stay married to someone you don't respect.

That may be so, but it's also hard to get out of a marriage even if you don't respect your spouse when they are the ones who control the money. I have a friend going through that right now.

Unfortunately, this can happen when women are working or SAH. It is financial abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

All of our accounts are joint accounts so I don't understand your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

Ask a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

All of our accounts are joint accounts so I don't understand your point.

I’m sure you dont.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

Huh? That is exactly what we do in our family. I only stayed home to be with my kids. Chores are unrelated to job/school status in our family. Everyone helps.

+1
We outsourced chores. We did not outsource childcare. I am a highly educated ( double masters) sahm with tons of certification. My kids benefit by having me as their support, tutor and advisor at home. Chores are low value stuff. Taking care of the kids and guiding them is high value stuff. I am the planner and organizer in the family.

Kids are thriving with no behaviour problems. They are high achievers at school. House is running well because I can manage the people who are responsible for the chores. DH is doing well and out marriage is strong because there is very few stressors.

I have no desire to spend any of my time working for some one else..I am willing to give all my talents and education to my kids. Maybe when they leave for college, I'll go and get a job. For now, I am valuable at home and I want to give my time, love and education to my kids.

Sounds like you’re entire life is your kids. Not all women want this type of life. I enjoy working and having my own identity and interests. Your entire post reads kids kids kids. It’s boring. My own mom was this way and she did herself a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

All of our accounts are joint accounts so I don't understand your point.

I’m sure you dont.

LOL. Please explain it then.

While you’re at it you can also explain why you are so threatened by highly-educated women in modern relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

All of our accounts are joint accounts so I don't understand your point.

I’m sure you dont.

LOL. Please explain it then.

While you’re at it you can also explain why you are so threatened by highly-educated women in modern relationships.

What are you talking about? Modern how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Are you being obtuse on purpose?

Ask the IRS whose money it is.

All of our accounts are joint accounts so I don't understand your point.

I’m sure you dont.

LOL. Please explain it then.

While you’re at it you can also explain why you are so threatened by highly-educated women in modern relationships.

What are you talking about? Modern how?

AKA “progressive and egalitarian” - terms previously used on this thread. Not “retro”.