SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

Huh? That is exactly what we do in our family. I only stayed home to be with my kids. Chores are unrelated to job/school status in our family. Everyone helps.

+1
We outsourced chores. We did not outsource childcare. I am a highly educated ( double masters) sahm with tons of certification. My kids benefit by having me as their support, tutor and advisor at home. Chores are low value stuff. Taking care of the kids and guiding them is high value stuff. I am the planner and organizer in the family.

Kids are thriving with no behaviour problems. They are high achievers at school. House is running well because I can manage the people who are responsible for the chores. DH is doing well and out marriage is strong because there is very few stressors.

I have no desire to spend any of my time working for some one else..I am willing to give all my talents and education to my kids. Maybe when they leave for college, I'll go and get a job. For now, I am valuable at home and I want to give my time, love and education to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Depends. I only SAH for one year--I had a 2 year old and infant that year. My DH did a lot more of the "chores" than I did. If I were a SAH parent with kids in school all day, I think I would do the vast majority of stuff you mentioned, though I would think DH would still be involved in the big stuff like arranging contractors, medical issues, etc. And I'd still have a weekly cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My expectation is that the SAHP manages the home. That includes pretty much everything, from child rearing, to cooking, to cleaning, to scheduling, to activities, and whatever else is required. If I am working to support the enterprise financially alone, I am going to focus on working and when I am home, I will focus on being present and enjoying my kids and spouse.

We did this for two years before he threw in the towel. He works full time, I have a weekly cleaner who does laundry, the kids are in school and SACC and I do more of the mental labor but it's fine and doesn't bother me.

When my DH offered to be home full time, I made my expectations clear. When it became to be too much, we reevaluated, he went back to work and we moved on.

Why doesn’t it bother you to do more of the mental labor if he is working? Does that mean that you work less at your job? Did you not make enough money to hire a weekly housekeeper without his financial help?

I have to say that of all of the childcare arrangements I have had (au pair, nanny, daycare, working PT, being a SAHM), working full time with a spouse at home full time was by far the best. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give a little to keep this.

It doesn't bother me because my DH is making money. He's contributing to the cost of running our home, our retirement, our kids' college funds, etc.

I do work a good bit. But I have a very structured job, I travel minimally (4 times a year or so), and without the sole earner pressure, I have eased up on the night work after the kids go to bed. I work less, but do more at home.

When he went back to work, we hired a weekly housecleaner. They do our laundry as well.

My children go to SACC. I drop them off and they do activities at school before I pick them up. I manage camps, breaks (we do SACC), and it's not terribly difficult.

DH has a longer commute and that eats a good bit. He travels too. But honestly, I prefer the money to what we had before. He admittedly was not happy being home, he was mediorce at best and I put my foot down. We can pay for help, but I am not going to work, pay for help, and watch him putter around home. Nope, nope.

Ahh...gotcha. I loved that stuff. I liked having a project and working on it a ton, staying late when I needed to, going in to some of the early morning meetings, etc. But I found that I really only had time, energy, and flexibility for it when DH was doing all of the home stuff. I didn’t mind hiring a housekeeper to do the cleaning. Laundry, and cooking. And it really didn’t bother me what he was doing or not doing during the day. What I didn’t like is what you are doing now. Working all day, then coming home and doing that stuff at night, never really advancing in my career, and not really being a present parent either. It drove me crazy. But I can also see how it might feel like a good balance, particularly if you are using the money for something important to you.

PP here. What's interesting is that my career is pretty great. I am a General Counsel, I make excellent money, and I am able to achieve a work life balance.

Awesome! Way to do it all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. I only SAH for one year--I had a 2 year old and infant that year. My DH did a lot more of the "chores" than I did. If I were a SAH parent with kids in school all day, I think I would do the vast majority of stuff you mentioned, though I would think DH would still be involved in the big stuff like arranging contractors, medical issues, etc. And I'd still have a weekly cleaning lady.

I was going to say the same thing. The answer to this has depended on the ages of my kids. DH helped out a lot more when I was spending my entire day with young children who needed me constantly. Now that the kids are in school, I'm able to get so much more done than I used to. SAHM experiences differ so much - on additional outside help (some have nannies, housekeepers, twice-a-month cleaners, half day preschool etc), how many kids, what ages and it changes over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

+1

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. I only SAH for one year--I had a 2 year old and infant that year. My DH did a lot more of the "chores" than I did. If I were a SAH parent with kids in school all day, I think I would do the vast majority of stuff you mentioned, though I would think DH would still be involved in the big stuff like arranging contractors, medical issues, etc. And I'd still have a weekly cleaning lady.

I am SAH parent and have always had a cleaning lady come twice a week. I think there is a big difference in mindset in different economic classes and what value a highly educated partner is bringing for the family by staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We put in about equal numbers of work hours. He does about 45 hours a week of employed work and I put in the same hours at home. Even with 3 young kids I can get pretty much everything done that needs to be done in those 45 hours. That is a lot of time to do housework, errands, shopping, planning, organizing and all other house management related things. By using my time productively there really isn't much left to do on weekends or evenings. I try and get as much of the house and car maintenance done as possible but sometimes I leave things for him because I don't know how to do them.

During evenings and weekends we both do things that can't be done during the regular workweek - like dinner dishes, bedtime routines, weekend events etc.

We both expect the other to put in a full work week from Monday to Friday - getting done as much as possible. outside of that we share it. Sometimes because a kid has been sick or something else going on, I can't get all my work done that week and then we both pick up my slack on evenings or weekends, just like his colleagues would do for him if he couldn't get everything done for whatever reason.

We both take time for ourselves when we need it. He works out in the basement in the mornings before the kids are even up and i do lots of walking with them during the day so we don't really have designated me time for the gym. It is usually more about seeing a friend or doing something else.

Well, that’s impressive .

Not really. It is just a daily routine you get into. I would say I am not someone who believes my job is to entertain the children all day. We spend all day together but they come with me on errands and they play / nap while I do stuff around the house. We will do an activity (go the library or the park) and we read lots at home but I am probably more like a SAHP from the 70s where I don't spend all day focused on entertaining my kids. My life is vastly different from the posters here who say they stay home and do nothing but interact with their children. That would drive me insane and I don't think my kids would actually cope with 8 hours of constant attention and interaction with me, nor do I think it is healthy for them or me. We all need space and they love playing and making up games and doing all kinds of things that don't need adult leadership or involvement. They are also good at playing alone and occupying their own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends. I only SAH for one year--I had a 2 year old and infant that year. My DH did a lot more of the "chores" than I did. If I were a SAH parent with kids in school all day, I think I would do the vast majority of stuff you mentioned, though I would think DH would still be involved in the big stuff like arranging contractors, medical issues, etc. And I'd still have a weekly cleaning lady.

I was going to say the same thing. The answer to this has depended on the ages of my kids. DH helped out a lot more when I was spending my entire day with young children who needed me constantly. Now that the kids are in school, I'm able to get so much more done than I used to. SAHM experiences differ so much - on additional outside help (some have nannies, housekeepers, twice-a-month cleaners, half day preschool etc), how many kids, what ages and it changes over time.

I stayed back because I knew that there is a big difference in the care and interaction that a highly educated mom can give vs a woman who is not the mom and who is not that well educated. Did not hurt that HHI is high and I am not under any monetary pressure. My DH is the same and prefers to spend time with the kids and teaching them things that a highly educated man can teach. The chores are outsourced and our staff are well paid because they free up our time. My staying at home enables us to manage our blessed lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

I stay home to provide care for my children, not to make my husband's life easier. Do I do more domestic labor because I'm at home more? Yes. There is more to do because we are here during the day and it has to be done to meet my children's needs on a daily basis. Does that absolve my husband from domestic labor when he is home? Why on Earth would it?

He is part of the family so he does his share, just like I expect of my kids as they get older. Is it strictly equal across the board? Of course not. But it is not my "job" to keep house for him or relieve him of all domestic or parenting responsibilities. That is antiquated thinking and I am thankful that there are not men in my life who indulge in it.

+100

And women whose husbands think a SAHM should do nearly everything are typically those who reasonably conclude they shouldn’t SAH. Most of the partnerships I know with a SAHM are the most progressive and egalitarian, because otherwise, why would a 21st century woman make that choice?

+1

Exactly.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

RIP to you, chore doers.... but I am different!!!
- rich, educated SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to hear from other SAHM whether or not they do everything at home and with the kids and house because they stay at home. I'm talking finances/bills/planning/vacations/future plans/housework (with kids chipping in for chores on a regular basis)/shopping/cooking/clean up/laundry/educational concerns of children/medical concerns and responsibilities for children/home and property maintenance/hiring people to do outside work when necessary/socialization planning, etc.

Is it reasonable to expect the other parent to do anything when they are home, or should they just be able to relax and have no responsibilities when home?

I am the CEO and manager of most of these things, but everyone is a worker. I outsource cleaning, DH does cooking and I do laundry. All yardwork is outsourced under my supervision. All big purchase, remodelling, home improvement is under my supervision. DH has no part in it. Kids education and all medical is handled by me. I have people who have worked for me for 15 years+ in many spheres of my domestic life.
We keep each other appraised of what we do. We seamlessly transition if one of us is unable to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to hear from other SAHM whether or not they do everything at home and with the kids and house because they stay at home. I'm talking finances/bills/planning/vacations/future plans/housework (with kids chipping in for chores on a regular basis)/shopping/cooking/clean up/laundry/educational concerns of children/medical concerns and responsibilities for children/home and property maintenance/hiring people to do outside work when necessary/socialization planning, etc.

Is it reasonable to expect the other parent to do anything when they are home, or should they just be able to relax and have no responsibilities when home?

I do finances/bills (but it’s all mostly automatic). I do all planning and organization in the house. DH does the garage and tool room. We are about 50/50 with vacation planning. I do 95% of the housework, daily cleaning/tidying, and we have cleaners that come in once every 2 weeks to do bathrooms, kitchen, and vacuum/dust. DH regularly unloads the dishwasher in the morning, and loads dishwasher after dinner half the time. He mostly does his own laundry- I fold it. He does most of the house projects- repairs, putting in a fence etc. I do the household laundry.

I do all things related with the children - school, homework, conferences, doctors, dentists, hiring and scheduling babysitters, activities, camps, manage their clothes and toys. I do all the breakfasts, packing lunches, cooking dinners, grocery shopping during the week. DH cooks once every week or two on the weekend and we go out to eat once a week. DH and I usually split bedtimes between the two kids.

I do all the social planning, gift shopping, special occasion planning. I do the gardening, plant care. DH mows the lawn in the summer. I prune, rake leaves, plant in spring.
DH takes care of the fish and tank. He takes out the recycling and trash (most weeks).

I also volunteer on an as needed basis for my kids schools, and am involved in some community groups.

I hire the contractors for house projects and manage them since I’m home. I hate that part though.

Kids are “supposed to” tidy their rooms, clean up their toys and crafts, and do one after dinner chore like sweeping or wiping the table down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Future plans?
Educational concerns of children?
Socialization planning?

Stop making crap up to sound like a martyr.

Are you being sarcastic?

Planning for the future, educating children, and making plans with friends/family are all real things.

NP. When both parents work, these things take up probably two hours in a year. Otherwise it’s just called being a parent.

I think the OP was just trying to parcel out different parts of parenting and managing a family. If you are separating educating your children from parental duties, then I don’t even know what you are doing for two hours a year. If you include educating your children as part of your parental duties, then you should be spending time on it nearly every day.