Boyfriend Texts Ex-wife Too Often

[Anonymous]

Even if there’s nothing untoward going on, why are you wasting your time on a divorced man? You’ll have to deal with his ex for many years. If you marry him, some of the joint finances will go to child support (and maybe alimony). If you have children together, his attention will be divided between yours and those with his ex. You’ve never been married before, so go find a single guy without all this stuff going on. And stay away from the married ones.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the “other woman”?

Dating this guy one year before the divorce was final? All sorts of red flags ? for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, divorce doesn't end a relationship. It only changes the legal and day to day nature of the relationship. The part that never changes: parenthood. Your relationship with him will never be just you and him. It's you and him and them and her. Forever. And he will always have feelings for all of them in some shape or form unless he is a robot.

Yeah like that girl I went out with in college? Divorce ENDS the marriage. It’s over.

Thank you. These people are saying I'm mental because I expect a divorce to end the relationship. Silly me!! I didn't think people who hated each other would suddenly become friendly.

I suspect a good deal of these people are married women who can’t bear the thought of their marriage being over and they are projecting their fears on you.

Lots of people divorce and move on. It often takes time. Having a fake friendship doesn’t help the kids. Give him a few months and see how it goes. I can think of four divorced guys with kids off the top of my head who would be great for you. The fact this guy still acts all giddy with his ex means he isn’t over her or she still has something over him. Give him time. Also give him a reason to be scared of losing you. Be wonderful to his kids. Have great sexual chemistry. You can negotiate through strength.

Thank you. We have great chemistry and really enjoy each other's company. This has me feeling insecure a bit and I didn't expect to be flamed for wondering if he was over his marriage and/or ex-wife. I surely didn't expect to be told I needed therapy! I am very nice to his children, but they have not warmed up to me at all. -Op

I mean this in the kindest of ways but you sound delusional. Their parents divorced. You’re annoyed dad talks to mom. Kids KNOW things. They see things. Why on earth would they warm to you? You’re annoyed/skeptical/threatened that their mom and dad are saying “Merry Christmas.” That’s horribly sad, OP! You sound cruel and clueless!

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other. Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

You were the other woman, weren’t you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I strongly advise you to go w/your gut on this one.

It would seem that your boyfriend still is not 100% over his marriage.

It’s telling that he would purposely not let you see a text received from her.
That would make me suspicious for sure.

I wouldn’t hold out much hope for this guy.

[Anonymous]

Oh brother, OP. You said his kids haven't warmed to you? This guy is not ready to be in a relationship. First, you were his AP. No matter what he told you, no matter what you think you know, he was married for the first year of your "relationship". You were his exit strategy. The fact that just 6 months after his divorce you already have seen his kids enough for them to have an opinion of you, shows just how immature both of you are and how unprepared you are to be a step parent and what a terrible job he's doing of prioritizing his kids. Do you want to be with a man who is such a crap husband and father? I understand your walls are up — it's normal to be defensive at this thread. But you must open your eyes. Let this man have a year to himself to nurture himself and his children. If it's "meant to be" he will find you again. (But also, do you want your "meant to be" to have started as horribly as this?) You should probably take 6 months to a year to figure out why you got involved here. Best of luck to you. I sincerely think your life will go much better if you free yourself from these entanglements.

[Anonymous]

Of course the kids don't like you. Their world was turned upside down when their parents separated and you swooped right in on their dad.

My parents had a miserable marriage. They fought and really seemed like they hated each other. They divorced when I was 14 and it was the best thing. Are they good friends? Lol no. But they've been able to be friendly to the point that we can do things as an entire family together. Christmas Eve was at my house with my husband and son, my dad and his wife, my mom and her husband, and my brother and his family. And everyone got along. I feel very lucky they don't make me split things or make situations stressful.

My best friend's parents still hate each other 2 decades later and she deeply resents that their selfishness negatively impacts her

[Anonymous]

Ugghh...nothing more aggravating than an insecure chick.
If you love him do him a favor and break up.
He’ll thank you in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Emotions can run high during a divorce, but after the dust has settle, many people try to become amicable for the kids sake. Exchanges pleasantries on a holiday is normal. However, if your gut is telling you something is off, trust it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotions can run high during a divorce, but after the dust has settle, many people try to become amicable for the kids sake. Exchanges pleasantries on a holiday is normal. However, if your gut is telling you something is off, trust it.

+1000. Spent Christmas and New Year’s over at my ex SIL’s house with my brother (divorced over ten+ yrs) and nieces and nephews. It’s nice for family to spend the holidays together with my kid’s cousins. Yeah, family is family and cousins stay cousins whether their parents are divorced or not.

With kids in the pictures, your boyfriend will always be tied to his ex, the mother of his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You started sleeping with this guy ONE YEAR BEFORE he was even divorced. That’s nuts. He needed at least a year or two post divorce before having a relationship. Sorry but this will not last. He’s probably too scared to be alone. Never get involved with a married man. I do not care if he separated or intends to get divorced. It shows such a lack of strength of character on both your parts.

My husband and I started dating a few months after his divorce was finalized (15 months after he separated). He did not have kids with his previous wife. He did not need much time to get over his first wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

Wow. You assume you'll be together in 5+ years and that it won't matter that his kids don't like you. You're wrong on both accounts.

I don't think you understand the complexity of dating a divorced parent (especially during and so soon after divorce) and the sensitivity needed to develop a step family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been divorced 5 years. We still send Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Birthday, Happy Mother's or Father's day texts. We are very much over each other, but maintain a positive co-parenting relationship. He also wished my Husband a Happy new year by text, and bought us both a small Christmas gift & got us a card.

Is he remarried?

[Anonymous]

OP, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Yes, exchanging friendly pleasantries is normal and generally good for divorced people with children together. Probably NOT exchanging pleasantries and only communicating about the kids is ALSO normal. Something feels off to you, and you shouldn’t discount that, but you do also seem to have a very immature view of relationships. That is why people are recommending therapy. Not because you’re “crazy” but because you don’t seem to have a very complex understanding of relationships and other people’s feelings and motivations.

Some people fight and “hate” each other intensely precisely BECAUSE they still have a strong bond/connection to each other. The degree of animosity is related to how much they still care about the other person. They are so angry/upset at how the person is acting because they still care a lot. For other people it is not about the bond but about the difficulties of going through the actual divorce and once it’s over things calm down - in a good way. No one on the internet can tell you if he’s still entangled with her or if he’s settling in to a friendly but distant emotional place with her. And while you have instincts here, there are a number of red flags about whether your instincts and interpretations are reliable in this situation. Which is again why people are recommending therapy. Your posts really do read like the emotional understanding/maturity if an 18-22 year old.

[Anonymous]

His kids come first. You need to figure out a way to build a positive relationship with them if you want to continue the relationship. They have had their world torn apart and an extremely vulnerable age (preteen -early teens). Go to an experienced family counselor to help you all find a path forward.

You say that you have been friends with your BF for years, were you also friends with his wife? How is your relationship with her today? You need to repair or forge that too.

Also please know that people act in all sorts of ways during a divorce that are mean spirited, but usually they come out of it. Divorce changes everything and people have trouble letting go of plans, dreams, and fight within themselves too. Take behavior during the divorce (especially if you only have BF's version) with a grain (or three) of salt. Some people are button pushers and you may have witnessed someone's reactions to that. NO ONE is innocent in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I agree that nobody is innocent in a divorce.
Also feel that you shouldn't be with someone until they are properly divorced if you have kids. I know of a few cases where the parents have split, found new partners within a couple months and then been pushing the partners onto the kids as a new 'Mommy/Daddy' type figure. I feel so sad for them. Kids even had time to process the split. Your lack of empathy towards your partners children is astounding. I think you come across as very self serving and immature.