How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

Do you spend time with your dad and the AP like OP?

AP lives abroad. I have pulled back a lot on spending time with my dad. But do on occasion. It’s awkward. Sometimes it’s with my mom, sometimes it’s just him. My mom has a lot of issues herself and to be honest I think an undiagnosed mental illness. They should have divorced long ago. I feel like I’m in a no win situation.

It’s no win because you can’t fix your parents.

Your mom did not cause her mental illness. Hopefully she will get help but since her partner abandoned her with an untreated illness she lost a support system. You can’t fill that role. You did not marry her, your dad did.

You dad chose to hurt people. He could break up with the AP, move close to home, get therapy and rebuild your relationship. But he won’t because he is selfish.

You can’t fix them but you can protect yourself from them.

He lives here. He just travels a lot to his home country where AP is. I agree he could do all the things you mentioned ... but he is selfish and won’t. It just sucks. I have finally realized I can’t be there for everyone and am putting up a lot of boundaries. I need to protect my own family from their toxicity.

You are right.. he could put you first but he won’t.

Protect your family be putting all that good energy towards your H/W and children. You are as good as the people who surround you.

Goid luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

+1


OP, how can you say, I love my mom and my Dad didn't do this to me so I'm fine with her. He did that TO YOUR MOM. You are stabbing her again by saying it's okay with you, not your problem. When people hurt those I love, it makes me mad. It's not okay with me. She's lost her husband AND you.

You're clearly the same poster with your over and over again perceptions.

The mother stayed in that relationship forever, she has some ownership in this, and yes, the father/child dynamic is very separate than what happens in a marriage.

OP needs to have a relationship with her father based on how he treats HER not her mother andr the fact that you're getting involved in your parents marriage shows that you yourself have a big problem with boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

+1


OP, how can you say, I love my mom and my Dad didn't do this to me so I'm fine with her. He did that TO YOUR MOM. You are stabbing her again by saying it's okay with you, not your problem. When people hurt those I love, it makes me mad. It's not okay with me. She's lost her husband AND you.

You're clearly the same poster with your over and over again perceptions.

The mother stayed in that relationship forever, she has some ownership in this, and yes, the father/child dynamic is very separate than what happens in a marriage.

OP needs to have a relationship with her father based on how he treats HER not her mother andr the fact that you're getting involved in your parents marriage shows that you yourself have a big problem with boundaries.

I’m a different poster, I’ve posted before in this thread, and agree with the PP you’re referring to. Just because you don’t understand or agree a different perspective doesn’t make you correct (or me either, for that matter. Roll your eyes all you want. It’s the very definition of selfish to overlook the poor treatment of another human, especially a close family member, because it doesn’t affect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

+1


OP, how can you say, I love my mom and my Dad didn't do this to me so I'm fine with her. He did that TO YOUR MOM. You are stabbing her again by saying it's okay with you, not your problem. When people hurt those I love, it makes me mad. It's not okay with me. She's lost her husband AND you.

You're clearly the same poster with your over and over again perceptions.

The mother stayed in that relationship forever, she has some ownership in this, and yes, the father/child dynamic is very separate than what happens in a marriage.

OP needs to have a relationship with her father based on how he treats HER not her mother andr the fact that you're getting involved in your parents marriage shows that you yourself have a big problem with boundaries.

I’m a different poster, I’ve posted before in this thread, and agree with the PP you’re referring to. Just because you don’t understand or agree a different perspective doesn’t make you correct (or me either, for that matter. Roll your eyes all you want. It’s the very definition of selfish to overlook the poor treatment of another human, especially a close family member, because it doesn’t affect you.

So, not the same person over and over.

[Anonymous]

Your dad cheated and that is terrible but...so what? Did he beat your mom? Did she end up with STDs? Did they have money problems because he was splurging on hoes? I mean, infidelity is terrible, I know, I had a cheating husband too but your mother is being a martyr at this point. She can wallow or move on and you can help her wallow or help her move on, that's your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

+1


OP, how can you say, I love my mom and my Dad didn't do this to me so I'm fine with her. He did that TO YOUR MOM. You are stabbing her again by saying it's okay with you, not your problem. When people hurt those I love, it makes me mad. It's not okay with me. She's lost her husband AND you.

You're clearly the same poster with your over and over again perceptions.

The mother stayed in that relationship forever, she has some ownership in this, and yes, the father/child dynamic is very separate than what happens in a marriage.

OP needs to have a relationship with her father based on how he treats HER not her mother andr the fact that you're getting involved in your parents marriage shows that you yourself have a big problem with boundaries.

Saying the mom is responsible for leaving is like saying find another job when you are being sexually harassed.

Her father has treated her badly she just is afraid to tell him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad cheated and that is terrible but...so what? Did he beat your mom? Did she end up with STDs? Did they have money problems because he was splurging on hoes? I mean, infidelity is terrible, I know, I had a cheating husband too but your mother is being a martyr at this point. She can wallow or move on and you can help her wallow or help her move on, that's your choice.

Did u miss this part?

When I was 23, I received a phone call from my dad, telling me he had another affair, was catching a flight for work, and that my mom had no one else to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can. As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom. It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family. You are enabling your mom to a certain extent. Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down. She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go. Your dad is still in her life in a way. I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.

THIS! IF you can't see this OP, you aren't very human.

My dad pulled this crap on my mom. I kicked him out of our lives for years. When my mom passed, only then did I re-form the relationship. Good thing, the damn drunk needed me by then to bail him out.

OP here. To be clear, my dad does not enjoy all "benefits" of a family, like my mom does. For example holidays. Obviously we do not feel that she should have to see him, so he is not invited to Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. And all of my siblings have let my father know how we feel about his behavior. Several people have posted about father's abandoning their children, my father did not do this. He was a shit husband, and they both failed to protect my siblings and I from the wreckage. I have ALL the sympathy for my mother. I am writing here because I was seeking answers about how to remain close with her without having to relive everything all the time.

If every time a parent cheated the children cut that parent out, it would be ludicrous. My dad's cheated more than once, yes, and we have a surface level relationship now. He knows that. But what I want isn't to cut him out of my life and be bitter towards him for the next 40 years. Thank you for all the people suggesting that as the solution, but it isn't for me.

Additionally, since people seem incredibly interested in playing the blame game, there is a part of me that is ALSO angry at my mom. She absolutely did stay when she knew what the situation was for YEARS. And many of them after we were all out of the house. I am frustrated that, the several times my father suggested a divorce, they did not get one, and so we were all subjected to more years of their bad marriage. I know my Dad is the one who is guilty of infidelity. But I'm not naïve enough to think that this situation is entirely one sided. yes, he treated her inexcusably and that got her to the point where she identifies with what happened to her and made her feel like less of a person, but she also allowed the situation to continue and continue. And I do find that incredibly frustrating. My therapist has helped me realize that these feelings towards my mom are valid as well.

DCUM loves to tell adult children they need to take responsibility for their lives, despite any childhood issues with parents. So I also feel its fair to ask my mom to take responsibility for hers, despite everything that happened with my dad.

Again, if there are "sides" to take, I have taken my moms. Im much closer with her, and did cut my dad out for a very long time and still ensure that she is the one who is at all holiday and family gatherings. However, I think people that suggest that her situation is entirely my father's doing are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can. As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom. It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family. You are enabling your mom to a certain extent. Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down. She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go. Your dad is still in her life in a way. I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.

THIS! IF you can't see this OP, you aren't very human.

My dad pulled this crap on my mom. I kicked him out of our lives for years. When my mom passed, only then did I re-form the relationship. Good thing, the damn drunk needed me by then to bail him out.

OP, I'm one of the posters that was asking for clarity regarding your current relationship with your father, and it sounds like you have a very healthy way of processing the situation. Yes, both sides are to blame. I don't have much to add, but just wanted to say I hope you have a happy holiday season and I'm very sorry you're still dealing with this. You deserve peace.
OP here. To be clear, my dad does not enjoy all "benefits" of a family, like my mom does. For example holidays. Obviously we do not feel that she should have to see him, so he is not invited to Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. And all of my siblings have let my father know how we feel about his behavior. Several people have posted about father's abandoning their children, my father did not do this. He was a shit husband, and they both failed to protect my siblings and I from the wreckage. I have ALL the sympathy for my mother. I am writing here because I was seeking answers about how to remain close with her without having to relive everything all the time.

If every time a parent cheated the children cut that parent out, it would be ludicrous. My dad's cheated more than once, yes, and we have a surface level relationship now. He knows that. But what I want isn't to cut him out of my life and be bitter towards him for the next 40 years. Thank you for all the people suggesting that as the solution, but it isn't for me.

Additionally, since people seem incredibly interested in playing the blame game, there is a part of me that is ALSO angry at my mom. She absolutely did stay when she knew what the situation was for YEARS. And many of them after we were all out of the house. I am frustrated that, the several times my father suggested a divorce, they did not get one, and so we were all subjected to more years of their bad marriage. I know my Dad is the one who is guilty of infidelity. But I'm not naïve enough to think that this situation is entirely one sided. yes, he treated her inexcusably and that got her to the point where she identifies with what happened to her and made her feel like less of a person, but she also allowed the situation to continue and continue. And I do find that incredibly frustrating. My therapist has helped me realize that these feelings towards my mom are valid as well.

DCUM loves to tell adult children they need to take responsibility for their lives, despite any childhood issues with parents. So I also feel its fair to ask my mom to take responsibility for hers, despite everything that happened with my dad.

Again, if there are "sides" to take, I have taken my moms. Im much closer with her, and did cut my dad out for a very long time and still ensure that she is the one who is at all holiday and family gatherings. However, I think people that suggest that her situation is entirely my father's doing are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Your mom probably has PTSD from the betrayal.

And, look, OP, let me guess even though you will deny it, because this is a recurring theme with women who refuse to fully cut of Dad even when he is a narcissistic emotionally toxic abuser--he has the money, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom probably has PTSD from the betrayal.

And, look, OP, let me guess even though you will deny it, because this is a recurring theme with women who refuse to fully cut of Dad even when he is a narcissistic emotionally toxic abuser--he has the money, right?

LOL. OP here. my parents were never poor, but I paid for my college education and law school, and my husband and are I more financially secure than either of my parents.

So now, because I reached out to DCUM asking how to communicate to my mom that I couldn't be the person she leans on for emotional support in regard to my father, I am weak, unsympathetic to my mom, and motivated by money. Whoever said I should have stuck to my therapist was correct.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is ENTIRELY fair to expect your Mom to her life. Period.

You are all grown-ups now - responsible for working through your own challenges (as you clearly are.) Your mother is asking too much of you, and in doing so is also refusing to move through/beyond what happened.

You are not responsible for her, for her feelings on her marriage, for staying with her in a stuck place of pain, etc...

Also, if/when you start changing your boundaries and dynamics with her it might actually start changing some of her behaviors in ways you can't anticipate. My therapist frequently reminds me that when I start behaving more healthily/appropriately with my family it injects health and functionality into an unhealthy and dysfunctional space. So me doing what's best for me can have positive ripples in the long run.

In any case, I think you are handling this well and know what you need to do. I totally support you.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Erg - "...to expect your Mom to manage her life."

[Anonymous]

" Mom, your bitterness towards my dad is becoming too painful"

[Anonymous]

Explanation is not necessary. And it is just unnecessary words. Say what you want --- you want her to stop --- mean it. Act on it.