How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a bit surprised at some of the responses here that basically ask why I have contact with my Dad. I actually didn't for a while, and let him know I couldn't handle how he had behaved etc. But over time I've come to see some of what his situation was, married way too young, both of my parents in a very religious community so he felt pressure to stay, and years in a marriage where he was never really forgiven and didn't have interests in common with my mom. To be clear, NONE of this absolves my dad of his behavior. He was a shit husband. Both my Dad and my Mom should have protected us from being in between them. To the poster who said I should "blame" my dad, of course no one thinks what he did was okay, right, or even very human.

At the same time, there were ways in which my Dad was a good parent. He encouraged my sister and I to be independent, made us feel valued, intelligent, loved, and talented. He loved us, whether or not he loved my mom, and I'm able to separate that from the relationship between my parents. It took me a two years to forgive him for the divorce and a lot of therapy, but I have. I'll never look at him like I once did - as someone to look up to, and he knows that, but at the same time, I am happy that my kids have a great relationship with their grandpa. He should have been honest, my parents should have divorced in 1990, but he didn't. And at this point, what is done is done in regards to my mom's situation, it may be my dad's fault, but I don't think that her remaining so bitter will be good for her. And in the end, she knew what was happening, and continued to stay, she never wanted to divorce. Again, I'm not BLAMING her, as the point is largely that I'd like to have a relationship with both my parents that doesn't involve their marriage.

I have so much sympathy for you OP. Do we share parents?

I would address this specific question with your therapist. I don't know how helpful the DCUM hivemind will be for this. Do set boundaries! I told my mother I would not listen to her about my father and I reinforced the boundary. It sucked. Also talk to her less. I know that sounds terrible but it will help you. Good luck! And I am so sorry your Dad is a bad person. To me that was the hardest to process.

DP. As you think about this, one thing to think about is that your realization of the harm done by your dad may be sharper and harder to manage as your own kids age (and you realize just how vulnerable you were at each state of life). That was a surprise to me, and was hard. I had to distance myself later, not earlier. The ability to see the "good" became harder, not easier.

This may or may not happen, but it was unexpected and painful to me, and so since you are already in therapy, perhaps something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can. As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom. It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family. You are enabling your mom to a certain extent. Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down. She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go. Your dad is still in her life in a way. I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.

THIS! IF you can't see this OP, you aren't very human.

My dad pulled this crap on my mom. I kicked him out of our lives for years. When my mom passed, only then did I re-form the relationship. Good thing, the damn drunk needed me by then to bail him out.

+1

[Anonymous]

There appear to be two camps:
1 team healthy boundaries
2 team mom

You can have healthy boundaries AND a loving relationship with both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Yes...but I think many posters are questioning why and if that’s appropriate.

She is mimicking what her mom did in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There appear to be two camps:
1 team healthy boundaries
2 team mom

You can have healthy boundaries AND a loving relationship with both parents.

I disagree I think there is

1. Team healthy boundaries with mom and dad
2. Team healthy boundaries with mom and no boundaries with dad dispute his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Yes...but I think many posters are questioning why and if that’s appropriate.

She is mimicking what her mom did in the marriage.

Interesting theory. Applied to op's relationship with her mom: op is putting up with an unpleasant one-sided relationship for fear of losing the relationship if she dares to stop the enabling.

[Anonymous]

She needs someone else to vent to about this. She should not be venting to you about your father.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

Do you spend time with your dad and the AP like OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

Do you spend time with your dad and the AP like OP?

AP lives abroad. I have pulled back a lot on spending time with my dad. But do on occasion. It’s awkward. Sometimes it’s with my mom, sometimes it’s just him. My mom has a lot of issues herself and to be honest I think an undiagnosed mental illness. They should have divorced long ago. I feel like I’m in a no win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Yes...but I think many posters are questioning why and if that’s appropriate.

She is mimicking what her mom did in the marriage.

Interesting theory. Applied to op's relationship with her mom: op is putting up with an unpleasant one-sided relationship for fear of losing the relationship if she dares to stop the enabling.

I am the PP who posted above about things being harder as my kids aged and I understood their vulnerability, and I think I went through some of this as well. Distancing myself as my kids aged felt like a way of acknowledgement that I had been harmed, that I was really vulnerable, and I didn't need to repeat the family patterns of my youth.

This whole "but he was a good father" really fell apart when my kids aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

Do you spend time with your dad and the AP like OP?

AP lives abroad. I have pulled back a lot on spending time with my dad. But do on occasion. It’s awkward. Sometimes it’s with my mom, sometimes it’s just him. My mom has a lot of issues herself and to be honest I think an undiagnosed mental illness. They should have divorced long ago. I feel like I’m in a no win situation.

It’s no win because you can’t fix your parents.

Your mom did not cause her mental illness. Hopefully she will get help but since her partner abandoned her with an untreated illness she lost a support system. You can’t fill that role. You did not marry her, your dad did.

You dad chose to hurt people. He could break up with the AP, move close to home, get therapy and rebuild your relationship. But he won’t because he is selfish.

You can’t fix them but you can protect yourself from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

Do you spend time with your dad and the AP like OP?

AP lives abroad. I have pulled back a lot on spending time with my dad. But do on occasion. It’s awkward. Sometimes it’s with my mom, sometimes it’s just him. My mom has a lot of issues herself and to be honest I think an undiagnosed mental illness. They should have divorced long ago. I feel like I’m in a no win situation.

It’s no win because you can’t fix your parents.

Your mom did not cause her mental illness. Hopefully she will get help but since her partner abandoned her with an untreated illness she lost a support system. You can’t fill that role. You did not marry her, your dad did.

You dad chose to hurt people. He could break up with the AP, move close to home, get therapy and rebuild your relationship. But he won’t because he is selfish.

You can’t fix them but you can protect yourself from them.

He lives here. He just travels a lot to his home country where AP is. I agree he could do all the things you mentioned ... but he is selfish and won’t. It just sucks. I have finally realized I can’t be there for everyone and am putting up a lot of boundaries. I need to protect my own family from their toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in a similar situation except my mom refuses to get divorced. She knows my dad is having a long term affair with someone abroad. My siblings and I sat with her and confronted my dad about it. He lied through his teeth, it was sweating (literally) the whole time. This woman was stupid enough to post the gifts on FB that he would buy her and we have many relatives abroad that also know what’s going on (very embarrassing).

I feel bad for my mom, and have offered to with her to talk to a lawyer numerous times. She won’t go, she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She hasn’t worked in nearly 30 years and doesn’t want to give up her big house and luxury car. Fine, her choice. But I am so sick of hearing her complain about my dad. She has been doing it for decades. And she truly believes that as her daughter I am obligated to listen to her bitch and moan. I kept repeating the same line any time she would start about my dad: “you need to talk to a therapist about this.” And then I would change the subject. After about 6 months of this she finally got the point. She goes to one now. Although it’s debatable how much it is really helping. She brings my dad up occasionally but I just say, “I am not the person to talk to about this.” And I repeat it. That’s all you can really do.

Do you spend time with your dad and the AP like OP?

AP lives abroad. I have pulled back a lot on spending time with my dad. But do on occasion. It’s awkward. Sometimes it’s with my mom, sometimes it’s just him. My mom has a lot of issues herself and to be honest I think an undiagnosed mental illness. They should have divorced long ago. I feel like I’m in a no win situation.

It’s no win because you can’t fix your parents.

Your mom did not cause her mental illness. Hopefully she will get help but since her partner abandoned her with an untreated illness she lost a support system. You can’t fill that role. You did not marry her, your dad did.

You dad chose to hurt people. He could break up with the AP, move close to home, get therapy and rebuild your relationship. But he won’t because he is selfish.

You can’t fix them but you can protect yourself from them.

He lives here. He just travels a lot to his home country where AP is. I agree he could do all the things you mentioned ... but he is selfish and won’t. It just sucks. I have finally realized I can’t be there for everyone and am putting up a lot of boundaries. I need to protect my own family from their toxicity.

Why doesn’t your dad divorce your mom? Especially since the secret is out