How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

It’s not healthy to harbor hate, much less teach your children to do so.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can. As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom. It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family. You are enabling your mom to a certain extent. Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down. She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go. Your dad is still in her life in a way. I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Yes...but I think many posters are questioning why and if that’s appropriate.

[Anonymous]

There are so many bitter posters here who lack the ability to forgive. I know it's a difficult concept, but you can hate what someone did and still love them and continue to have a relationship with them.
Op is trying to be a good daughter to her Mom, but her Mom is stuck in the past. Op could listen to Mom's rants for the next 10 years and it won't help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

I think OP should have a long talk with mom. Tell her no more oxygen or space given to such a pos. The best revenge is moving on and being happy. OP should frame it like that, and every time mom brings up pos OP interjects right away saying "nope I don't want to hear it, nor you wasting your breath on garbage".
OP try to get your mom involved or in hobbies to meet other people. Does she want to date? Maybe you could go on a vacation with her, or book a cruise. As for your dad I would have distanced myself years ago from such a person...dad or not. Again OP everytime mom brings up cheater interject letting mom know you won't have it. She won't have any choice but to stop. Just be there to help her, obviously that's what she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.

Thanks thread police. Now go move along and make dinner for your kids or something.

From the OP:

“I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness.”

Sounds like she still wants a relationship with Dad.

Yes...but I think many posters are questioning why and if that’s appropriate.

It’s OP’s choice. I think it’s a shame that so many people are doing to OP exactly what her mother does. It’s up to her to decide what she can forgive. Who cares what you would do; you are not OP!

[Anonymous]

while your dad is no saint, he is no horrible person either. Your mom chose to stay and play martyr. The endgame is that neither of them kept your best interest at heart. They were playing their own game.
Now the mom has lost her partner in this game of martyrdom and she needs you to fill the role. Which you gladly do, as your sister said thanks but no thanks.
Your therapist sucks if they don’t make this clear for you. Write your mom a letter?! Wtf? She doesn’t care about your letters; she is too scared to live her life and is hiding behind some games she sucks you into.
Read books by Eric Bern (games people play, what do you say after you say hello) and change your therapist.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:while your dad is no saint, he is no horrible person either. Your mom chose to stay and play martyr. The endgame is that neither of them kept your best interest at heart. They were playing their own game.
Now the mom has lost her partner in this game of martyrdom and she needs you to fill the role. Which you gladly do, as your sister said thanks but no thanks.
Your therapist sucks if they don’t make this clear for you. Write your mom a letter?! Wtf? She doesn’t care about your letters; she is too scared to live her life and is hiding behind some games she sucks you into.
Read books by Eric Bern (games people play, what do you say after you say hello) and change your therapist.
Good luck!

Np. Popping in in defense of the therapist. Letter writing is a useful exercise, because op put the issue in writing. I suspect the problem with the letter is the lack of firm boundary enforcement on op's part. The therapist needs a new client or therapy should be focused on assuring op that her/ her mom/ her family won't fall apart if she untangles herself from the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Yikes, project much??
Sounds like you need counseling far more than the OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

Okay then... what does your therapist say you should do?

+1

OP here. Are people who have therapists not also allowed to post on DCUM for advice? Since the tone of the PP's comment is that I shouldn't be here with the situation since I'm in therapy....

And to write her a letter, since conversations are always derailed. I did so, and it hasn't been effective thus far.

I'm one of the PPs. People in therapy are, of course, allowed to post here. It's helpful to know what a professional has suggested you do, if you've done it and what the results are. Hearing that helps us provide advice and to weigh in on whether you've got a decent therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a bit surprised at some of the responses here that basically ask why I have contact with my Dad. I actually didn't for a while, and let him know I couldn't handle how he had behaved etc. But over time I've come to see some of what his situation was, married way too young, both of my parents in a very religious community so he felt pressure to stay, and years in a marriage where he was never really forgiven and didn't have interests in common with my mom. To be clear, NONE of this absolves my dad of his behavior. He was a shit husband. Both my Dad and my Mom should have protected us from being in between them. To the poster who said I should "blame" my dad, of course no one thinks what he did was okay, right, or even very human.

At the same time, there were ways in which my Dad was a good parent. He encouraged my sister and I to be independent, made us feel valued, intelligent, loved, and talented. He loved us, whether or not he loved my mom, and I'm able to separate that from the relationship between my parents. It took me a two years to forgive him for the divorce and a lot of therapy, but I have. I'll never look at him like I once did - as someone to look up to, and he knows that, but at the same time, I am happy that my kids have a great relationship with their grandpa. He should have been honest, my parents should have divorced in 1990, but he didn't. And at this point, what is done is done in regards to my mom's situation, it may be my dad's fault, but I don't think that her remaining so bitter will be good for her. And in the end, she knew what was happening, and continued to stay, she never wanted to divorce. Again, I'm not BLAMING her, as the point is largely that I'd like to have a relationship with both my parents that doesn't involve their marriage.

I have so much sympathy for you OP. Do we share parents?

I would address this specific question with your therapist. I don't know how helpful the DCUM hivemind will be for this. Do set boundaries! I told my mother I would not listen to her about my father and I reinforced the boundary. It sucked. Also talk to her less. I know that sounds terrible but it will help you. Good luck! And I am so sorry your Dad is a bad person. To me that was the hardest to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

This, and quite frankly I don’t even know if I could have a relationship with my father after this. He’s obviously a narcissist with mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can. As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom. It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family. You are enabling your mom to a certain extent. Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down. She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go. Your dad is still in her life in a way. I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.

THIS! IF you can't see this OP, you aren't very human.

My dad pulled this crap on my mom. I kicked him out of our lives for years. When my mom passed, only then did I re-form the relationship. Good thing, the damn drunk needed me by then to bail him out.