How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your dad is a douche.

He was a douche to her mom. That's op's father. Completely different relationship. The Mother was ok with the cheating: she stayed throughout op's childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

Okay then... what does your therapist say you should do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your dad is a douche.

He was a douche to her mom. That's op's father. Completely different relationship. The Mother was ok with the cheating: she stayed throughout op's childhood.

he called her and said, i just told your mom im still seeing my AP and need to catch a flight can you please pick up the pieces

WTF, no he is not a "good dad" he is a suck a$$ dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your dad is a douche.

He was a douche to her mom. That's op's father. Completely different relationship. The Mother was ok with the cheating: she stayed throughout op's childhood.

he called her and said, i just told your mom im still seeing my AP and need to catch a flight can you please pick up the pieces

WTF, no he is not a "good dad" he is a suck a$$ dad

Good point. No doubt there is dysfunction. Op needs to set boundaries with both parents.

[Anonymous]

OP this is very very sad on so many levels and I hope your mother finds some peace and can create a path towards a new chapter in her life. Be blunt but compassionate in a true heart to heart. I do think your father is a dishonorable person. He may have cheated on your mom but he degraded her too. She-misguided or not-took his abuse probably to keep up the sham of family he had supposedly promised in marriage vows and in the decision to have kids. As a daughter I would not want to have a relationship with this person. He risked all of your well being in his selfish choice to put himself first.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a cheating abusive pig. My mom divorced him 50 years ago. But she is still obsessed with him. She sits there brooding about his misdeeds. Every suggestion that she get therapy and get over it is met with outrage, and with a counter-attack against the perceived criticism ("I don't need therapy! There's nothing wrong with me! What's wrong with you that's making you be so mean to me?").

So... don't necessarily expect her to get over it soon. Some people just don't.

[Anonymous]

Whole thing is very toxic. Boundaries firm with both parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm a bit surprised at some of the responses here that basically ask why I have contact with my Dad. I actually didn't for a while, and let him know I couldn't handle how he had behaved etc. But over time I've come to see some of what his situation was, married way too young, both of my parents in a very religious community so he felt pressure to stay, and years in a marriage where he was never really forgiven and didn't have interests in common with my mom. To be clear, NONE of this absolves my dad of his behavior. He was a shit husband. Both my Dad and my Mom should have protected us from being in between them. To the poster who said I should "blame" my dad, of course no one thinks what he did was okay, right, or even very human.

At the same time, there were ways in which my Dad was a good parent. He encouraged my sister and I to be independent, made us feel valued, intelligent, loved, and talented. He loved us, whether or not he loved my mom, and I'm able to separate that from the relationship between my parents. It took me a two years to forgive him for the divorce and a lot of therapy, but I have. I'll never look at him like I once did - as someone to look up to, and he knows that, but at the same time, I am happy that my kids have a great relationship with their grandpa. He should have been honest, my parents should have divorced in 1990, but he didn't. And at this point, what is done is done in regards to my mom's situation, it may be my dad's fault, but I don't think that her remaining so bitter will be good for her. And in the end, she knew what was happening, and continued to stay, she never wanted to divorce. Again, I'm not BLAMING her, as the point is largely that I'd like to have a relationship with both my parents that doesn't involve their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she'll go to therapy with you?

No because OP's therapist is for OP, whose interests are not the same as her mom's. There would be a conflict of interest. The mom needs her own separate therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

Okay then... what does your therapist say you should do?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

Okay then... what does your therapist say you should do?

+1

OP here. Are people who have therapists not also allowed to post on DCUM for advice? Since the tone of the PP's comment is that I shouldn't be here with the situation since I'm in therapy....

And to write her a letter, since conversations are always derailed. I did so, and it hasn't been effective thus far.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are enabling your mom rather than helping her. She needs to move on for her own sake. Please set firm boundaries like your sibling did. This is not a healthy relationship for you or your mother. Don’t be her crutch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

Okay then... what does your therapist say you should do?

+1

OP here. Are people who have therapists not also allowed to post on DCUM for advice? Since the tone of the PP's comment is that I shouldn't be here with the situation since I'm in therapy....

And to write her a letter, since conversations are always derailed. I did so, and it hasn't been effective thus far.

That is not what I meant. I was wondering what your therapist said you should do.

I don't know how old you are, if you are 20ish you might be too young to understand but eventually you will literally not care what she says. You will have no physical, mental, or emotional reaction to her words. That is a long road and I was trying to gauge what stage you are at.

Right now all you can do is create boundaries (limit contact) and let it roll off you back.

With a few years of work with your therapist you will learn that your mom is not your responsibility, her words and her actions have nothing to do with you, you can't stop her and you can't fix her.

Right now I suggest when she complains you said, "that suck" "that must have been hard" or some other semi supportive comment... don't pose solutions.... and in your head you say, "I can't fix this, I can't fix her" then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

+1


OP, how can you say, I love my mom and my Dad didn't do this to me so I'm fine with her. He did that TO YOUR MOM. You are stabbing her again by saying it's okay with you, not your problem. When people hurt those I love, it makes me mad. It's not okay with me. She's lost her husband AND you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.

+1


OP, how can you say, I love my mom and my Dad didn't do this to me so I'm fine with her. He did that TO YOUR MOM. You are stabbing her again by saying it's okay with you, not your problem. When people hurt those I love, it makes me mad. It's not okay with me. She's lost her husband AND you.

WTF? That is her Father you are talking about. She couldn't stop loving him if she wanted to. Good thing she doesn't have to because she was able to let him know how his infidelity diminished him in her eyes. He obviously loves his children. They have the rest of their lives to rebuild their relationship and he is a grandfather to her kids.
Being bitter will serve no one. Time to move on.