How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

[Anonymous]

My mom and dad divorced in 2015. Prior to the divorce, my dad had many, long emotional and physical affairs, starting from the time I was about 2 or 3 years old. When I was 16, one of them became very public, and although my parents decided to stay together, things were strained. When I was 23, I received a phone call from my dad, telling me he had another affair, was catching a flight for work, and that my mom had no one else to talk to. She stayed, they went to therapy. When I was 29,in 2015, my mom found out he was still seeing this woman, I think at this point he decided to end the marriage. At this point, my mom was pretty isolated, she had people at work, but most of their "friends" had been lost through the marriage turmoil. I asked her to stay with my husband and I for a few days immediately following the wreckage/discovery that the marriage was ending. Since that time she has talked to me a lot about her feelings, things that went on during the marriage, and her feelings about the situations. She had never really been on her own before and is very timid/scared/shy anxious. I feel like I am her main emotional support. My sister has, very healthily, set boundaries around my mom discussing my dad.

At the outset, I want to point out that I'm aware that going through all of this was horrible and traumatic for my mom and that my dad was an incredibly shit husband. I've suggested that she get therapy many times - who would not need therapy for this?! But I also feel that it has now been four years, and I am emotionally exhausted of hearing about my dad/my kids' grandfather with such bitterness. I also ache for her and want her to start really living her life. this experience has changed her from a warm, loving, mother into someone that is constantly anxious and incredibly insecure. I know my dad was horrible to her and that this caused her situation, but I can't carry this weight anymore. I've tried to tell her this, and to tell her she needs to talk to a professional about all of this, but she won't stop. And I have a hard time cutting her off, because I'm the only person that she's been able to talk to. Its almost making me sort of bitter towards her, as a part of me feels that she clearly should have left. I know she likely stayed for us for a portion of the time, but the situation was just untenable, and by the time I was 23, we were out of the house. I also feel like a part of her is holding on to this because otherwise she'll be expected to move on and become a whole person. I know it sounds awful I'm thinking these things, when she has been through so much. But the situation is wearing me out.

[Anonymous]

Consider that you are unwittingly enabling her, and that the best you can do for her is be blunt and refuse to be with her if she starts complaining about this situation again. This is not cruelty, it's the means to her recovery!

Poor woman. She needs to learn a sense of self. Watch out for other situations she might get into where she's taken advantage of!

[Anonymous]

YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOU need therapy. Obviously your mom does too. Think of yourself as a child going through your parents divorce, because you still are despite being an adult. Any child in your shoes would be seeing a therapist. You are pushing all your feelings on the fact that you have to care for your mother’s emotions. But you have a lot to deal with emotionally yourself.

OP here - I am in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Write her a letter stating much of what you wrote here. Establish your boundaries (ie, no more talk of dad), urge her to seek therapy. Hope she responds well.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she'll go to therapy with you?

[Anonymous]

Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you can to get her to therapy.

Your dad is a complete a-hole

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can to get her to therapy.

Your dad is a complete a-hole

Op acknowledged that dad was a sh!t husband. Her mom chose to stay. Her choice. Op is an adult with her own family, she cannot play caregiver to her mom. It is not op's responsibility to get her mom to therapy. She can suggest it again, while letting her mom know she will no longer listen to rants and tears over dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she'll go to therapy with you?

Noooo! The idea is to untangle and reestablish a relationship where mother is motherly and daughter is not her emotional caretaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she'll go to therapy with you?

Noooo! The idea is to untangle and reestablish a relationship where mother is motherly and daughter is not her emotional caretaker.

They're both adults now.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom used to run down my father in our weekly phone calls. They didn't have the problems your parents did but my father clearly had disappointed my mother and she liked to tell me how.

At some point, I told her that I didn't want to hear about how she felt about my father. That I wanted to have my own relationship with my dad without her interfering. She got mad. She said, "After what he did to you?" Not clear what that was about. He was a recovering alcoholic but I couldn't tell you anything specific he did to me. But I let that go.

Anyway, she respected that boundary. And eventually our relationship got better once I no longer felt controlled by her drama. This allowed me to accept her for who she was and to be nicer to her. Because it didn't threaten my existence if she was mad/anxious/fearful.

I know it will be tough for you to set those limits with your mom but I encourage you to make that first step. Accept that she'll be upset with you and let her be upset. Things won't get better unless you do. Good luck! Hope things get better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she'll go to therapy with you?

Noooo! The idea is to untangle and reestablish a relationship where mother is motherly and daughter is not her emotional caretaker.

They're both adults now.

Yes and one of them is the other's mother.

[Anonymous]

Ugh your dad is a douche.

[Anonymous]

I feel traumatized just reading about what a pig your dad is. Why do you have any contact with him? You mention him being a grandpa. My mom had a father like this who ran around on her mom and then abandoned the family in the middle of winter. They got evicted and had to stay in a homeless shelter with a newborn. I’ve never met that pig of a man because my mom protected us.