How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just sending you some love. What you are describing is so difficult. I struggle with some of the same issues with my parents. I’m in therapy too. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Gray rock, change subject.

[Anonymous]

Parents who behave the way your dad did ARE hurting the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who behave the way your dad did ARE hurting the children.

One could argue that a woman who stays with a serial cheater is also harming the children.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to tell your mother that YOU are not an appropriate sounding board regarding your father. Tell her she needs a therapist to help get her back on track. Can you help her find a therapist? Perhaps others on this site can recommend a specific name if you give your area. Give mom a list and tell her you will arrange the first appointment. I think your mom needs a nudge.

[Anonymous]

pp^^ here. remind your mother that you are not her girlfriend or sister, you are the daughter and shouldn't be in this position. Good luck with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

This. The lowest of the low. What a dirtbag.

[Anonymous]

Both of you go to therapy together. You to get the space to be able to tell her that this is not your role and it's a burdeon, and her to hear that. And, her to get used to the idea of going and talking to a therapist. Maybe then you can drop off and just she goes....(basically you are weaning her off you and onto someone else)

[Anonymous]

I can't tell from your original post whether your mom still lives with you or not. If she does I would suggest she needs to have her own place. You should spend time with her but not all the time. Her opportunities to vent her feelings to you should be limited, but not completely eliminated.

It is not uncommon at all for a woman like your mother, who clearly chose to stay with a promiscuous cheating husband for many years even after her kids were grown, to be so afraid and dependent on that relationship that she falls apart when it actually ends. She probably would never have ended it herself.

When something so big happens it is also not uncommon for people to latch onto it and not lever let it go. They identify with it. "I am the woman who was cheated on and dumped by my husband." That's who she is, in her mind. I know your post is you reaching out for help to get your mother out of this mindset. I don't really think you can. It's not within your power. It's only within her power, and only if she chooses to move on.

I think you could offer to listen to your mother but tell her you are not willing to comment on or rehash the trauma and drama related to your father.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would discuss with your therapist how to set boundaries with your mom. I would write her a letter, or tell her, bluntly, that you don't want to discuss your dad with her anymore. Rinse, repeat. Hopefully she will slowly get used to it.

It's okay to love and have a relationship with your dad. Humans are complicated. We can both love a person and dislike their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who behave the way your dad did ARE hurting the children.

One could argue that a woman who stays with a serial cheater is also harming the children.

+1 I don’t get the mother, but my mom was co dependent too and it still hurts looking st the dynamics. Pretty much 2 absent parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

This. The lowest of the low. What a dirtbag.

Jesus Christ. She has ACKNOWLEDGED THIS. Why is it then good for her mental health to have to talk about it at all,?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm curious about your current relationship with your father. Especially if he's with another woman, and your mother is alone. If you're close with him, perhaps she's hurt by this. I'm not totally agreeing with the whole humans are complicated, I'm entitled to a relationship with my father thing. What he did was absolutely unforgivable in my opinion. I do think this is something he did to you, as well as to your mom. I wonder if she's hurt that he doesn't seem to be experiencing any consequences as far as you're behavior toward him is concerned and she's unable to articulate that to you. Perhaps she'd like to you to care about how he treated your family of origin. I'm not suggesting this is healthy or rationale...but I could understand this. For example, if a sibling was molested and you weren't...would it be okay for you to have a relationship with your father because your experience with him was different? Obviously, the situation is different because your mom chose to stay with him. I'm also curious if you've ever asked her why she did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father did this to you and to your mother. He did this to his family -- your family. That's the breaks when you destroy people by cheating. Blame him, not your mother.

Exactly. Not sure I would have any type of relationship with the horrible dad. I've known women that have to stay because they know the DH wouldn't help with college etc. if they divorced.

OP where's the blame toward your dad. That's where you need to focus.

Some of you either aren’t reading the entire thread or have a reading comprehension problem. OP has answered your questions.