My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

Stop it with this babbling nonsense. A 22-year old is not a child.

If you moved your loser adult children into the house, without giving your DH any say in the matter, then your DH would divorce you, and rightly so.

All that really matters is that she's a child to her father. It's not up to OP to tell her husband how to treat his daughter.

Blood children first, second spouses second.

It may not be up to OP, but the house is half hers (I'm assuming). She's paying half the bills/expenses and clearly this young woman has no job so will be costing her money in utilities, in groceries, etc. OP gets input on the people that move into her home and cost her money. I don't know if OP has her own children, but if she does, her money should be saved for them in case they need help, if you apply your "blood children first" logic.

If dad feels so strongly about it, he should pay for an apartment or a shared room in a group home (out of his own paycheck of course).

[Anonymous]

You're being asked to settle a dispute between her biological parents which is not fair at all. There is no way you win in this situation. I would say she can move in IF both mom and dad agree to a set of acceptable conditions. For me personally, those conditions would need to include some sort of screening/treatment for mental health issues and a defined plan for school and/or work. The strictures of the latter would depend on the former.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. It's not going to end well for you. Even her mom can't stand her sitting around doing nothing. How're you going to deal with that since her dad is not doing anything about it?

She has a place at her mom's. It's not like she got kicked out.
You're going to be a bad guy anyway after her staying for a while and doing zilch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

This is aHUGE red flag. If you and your DH are not on the same page about the conditions of her living with you, it will destroy your marriage. You’re going to be the odd one out when your DH agrees with SD that she doesn’t need a job and can stay forever. It will only get harder after she obese in. Figure out exact expectations BEFORE she moves in with you. It’s a good idea to write this down and make it something her mom, dad AND you agree to.

I also think it’s a bad idea to undermine her mom by letting her move in with you without a job plan. Both parents need to be on the same page.

Was gonna say exactly this.

This is not that different to one parent saying no to the child, so then the child goes to the other parent thinking that parent will say yes. I suppose though since they are divorced, they feel they can parent differently. I wonder if that was one of the reasons they divorced.

Your DH and the mom need to have a meeting with your DD together. I think you should be there, but only from the perspective that the decision to allow her into your home impacts you.

FWIW, I don't have a problem with my kids living with me at 22, but not if they aren't making serious attempts to get a job or at least take some classes to get some other skill sets.

My niece is now 29 yrs old, living at home, and STILL doesn't have a regular job. Yes, the niece has been looking, but not that hard. You do not want that to happen.

OP. Your condition for her moving in should be that her dad and mom agree to the same rules in terms of getting a job or going to school.

Note: If you undermine the mom now, she will have zero incentive to help when (not if) the situation blows up in your face. Maybe the dad has always been the more permissive “fun” parent and he wants to keep doing what he knows. Be very careful about undermining the mom in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

NP here. Maybe you only know people who are jerks?

Everyone in my social circle is still married to their first (and only) spouse. We all agree the kids come first and we work hard to give them a great childhood and teach them to be kind and polite individuals. My friends are wonderful people who are raising pretty amazing kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

Hmm....she wants to move out of her mom’s because her mom is on her case to get a job.....Hello 30 year old living on your couch 8 years from now

[Anonymous]

You should not tell your H how to parent his child. It's pathetic that you are standing in his way to doing what he thinks is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

When kids are minors, they needs should always come first. This is a 22 year old adult who didn't have much of a relationship with Dad and is using him as she doesn't like mom's rules (which are probably too little too late).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

Hmm....she wants to move out of her mom’s because her mom is on her case to get a job.....Hello 30 year old living on your couch 8 years from now

Child support stopped so Mom doesn't want to support kid on her own. (which isn't unreasonable at 22). If she isn't cooperating for mom, she will not for dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the attitude of you leave at 18 and you can never come back is pretty harsh - especially for a non custodial parent who didn't do a whole lot anyways.

I moved home twice as an adult for short periods. Thankfully my parents were supportive and understanding and didn't have your attitude.

+1

Even if it is an attempt at not working, show her a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not tell your H how to parent his child. It's pathetic that you are standing in his way to doing what he thinks is right.

I would agree with this if the daughter was a child. She’s an adult. Having an adult family member move in with you indefinitely is a huge deal. The wife definitely has a say and should be involved in the decision. Is the dad going to be upset if OP doesn’t do the daughter’s laundry? If she asks her to load the dishwasher? If he’s taking the “I’m the dad and she’s a child and I can parent however I want attitude.” Where does OP get a say in what happens in her own house?

[Anonymous]

If she does end up moving in, OP, I think you have to have a hard conversation with DH about how this plays out. I don't think you have to be adversarial and get it in writing or anything, but you need to talk about:

What expectations on her are there, if anything?
- chores? (wash her own dishes?)
- rent? (ever?)
- come to family meals?
- use of tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, etc., in the house? (if not allowed, what are consequences?)
- tell you when she is going to be out late or all night?
- therapy?
- job, or job search, or school? (if none of the above happens, what's the consequences for her?

How long is this supposed to last?
And most importantly, at what point would her staying without work or school enrollment be beyond the pale?
- Such as, would it be "crazy" if she's living here a year from now without any change? If dad doesn't think that will happen, then it's worth talking NOW that that would, of course, therefore be beyond the pale.

If there is a clear time limit, what's the plan for making that happen?
- e.g., if nothing has changed in 6 months, is DH going to have an apartment with first month rent and deposit lied up? How ACTUALLY does the transition happen, if it needs to?

--

I'm a big believer in family, and helping out, and safe spaces. I think you can do that well only if you know the boundaries in advance. If you don't talk about what would be "beyond the pale" before you get started, there is often a slow creep into crazy that you never would have agreed to in the beginning. And there is a head-in-the-sand thing about saying "that's not going to happen."

I think it's reasonable, if you are an introvert and at a certain point, this would be a hard limit for you, to talk about something like -- "I get you think is is only for the next 3-4 months, until she gets her act together. I've seen things go differently than you expect. I just want to be clear that I support you in supporting your daughter, but if she is stays well beyond that -- which you say is not going to happen -- that would be something I never signed up for. I'm fine with scrimping and saving to pay for an apartment for the first month/half year/year/whatever, but I don't want to live with a third adult."

You have to be able later to say that "we had this conversation, and 3-4 months was reasonable, and that a year would be absolutely crazy. Well, we are at crazy, and something has to change. Doesn't matter how we got here -- you assured me over and over that we wouldn't, and here we are."

It's not about proving a point or ensuring an outcome. It's about framing what is reasonable before you get enmeshed, because if you have to make your own decisions, it won't come without any warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

NP here. Maybe you only know people who are jerks?

Everyone in my social circle is still married to their first (and only) spouse. We all agree the kids come first and we work hard to give them a great childhood and teach them to be kind and polite individuals. My friends are wonderful people who are raising pretty amazing kids.

Believe it or not, it is possible to raise amazing kids while putting your spouse first. It doesn't preclude you from teaching your kids to be kind and polite, or from giving them a great childhood. You give the kids great models for how a loving relationship works while not contributing to the "entitlement" syndrome so many kids seem to have these days. We know it's not the "in thing" to do right now apparently, but it's worked out really well for our family and marriage. Daughter frequently tells people she wants to have a relationship like ours when she grows up. Can't be too bad of a thing. But to each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

When kids are minors, they needs should always come first. This is a 22 year old adult who didn't have much of a relationship with Dad and is using him as she doesn't like mom's rules (which are probably too little too late).

Of course the needs of minors have to be met. But the word "needs" gets abused these days. Parents often confuse "wants" with "needs" and parent with the desire to "appear" to be awesome parents by overindulgence.