My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not tell your H how to parent his child. It's pathetic that you are standing in his way to doing what he thinks is right.

He needs to be told how to parent. He sucks at parenting. Proof: his adult child is an unemployed, uneducated, parasitic layabout.

[Anonymous]

I would say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

This girl is bad news and she won't do shit and you know it.

Don't give her an edge.

[Anonymous]

OP. Your condition for her moving in should be that her dad and mom agree to the same rules in terms of getting a job or going to school.

Note: If you undermine the mom now, she will have zero incentive to help when (not if) the situation blows up in your face. Maybe the dad has always been the more permissive “fun” parent and he wants to keep doing what he knows. Be very careful about undermining the mom in this situation.

It is obvious that mom and dad don't agree on the rules now, or their daughter would not be trying to swap homes. (If the rules at dad's were the same as at mom's, there'd be no point in moving.) If mom and dad say they are going to have the same rules, that's going to last about as long as it takes for DD to move her stuff to the new place.

Imagine this:
Mom: "Is Larla getting a job like we agreed?"
Dad: "No."
Mom: "What are you doing about it?"
Dad: (shrugs)

And then mom washes her hands of the situation because there is nothing she can do about it and it's no longer her problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she does end up moving in, OP, I think you have to have a hard conversation with DH about how this plays out. I don't think you have to be adversarial and get it in writing or anything, but you need to talk about:

What expectations on her are there, if anything?
- chores? (wash her own dishes?)
- rent? (ever?)
- come to family meals?
- use of tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, etc., in the house? (if not allowed, what are consequences?)
- tell you when she is going to be out late or all night?
- therapy?
- job, or job search, or school? (if none of the above happens, what's the consequences for her?

How long is this supposed to last?
And most importantly, at what point would her staying without work or school enrollment be beyond the pale?
- Such as, would it be "crazy" if she's living here a year from now without any change? If dad doesn't think that will happen, then it's worth talking NOW that that would, of course, therefore be beyond the pale.

If there is a clear time limit, what's the plan for making that happen?
- e.g., if nothing has changed in 6 months, is DH going to have an apartment with first month rent and deposit lied up? How ACTUALLY does the transition happen, if it needs to?

--

I'm a big believer in family, and helping out, and safe spaces. I think you can do that well only if you know the boundaries in advance. If you don't talk about what would be "beyond the pale" before you get started, there is often a slow creep into crazy that you never would have agreed to in the beginning. And there is a head-in-the-sand thing about saying "that's not going to happen."

I think it's reasonable, if you are an introvert and at a certain point, this would be a hard limit for you, to talk about something like -- "I get you think is is only for the next 3-4 months, until she gets her act together. I've seen things go differently than you expect. I just want to be clear that I support you in supporting your daughter, but if she is stays well beyond that -- which you say is not going to happen -- that would be something I never signed up for. I'm fine with scrimping and saving to pay for an apartment for the first month/half year/year/whatever, but I don't want to live with a third adult."

You have to be able later to say that "we had this conversation, and 3-4 months was reasonable, and that a year would be absolutely crazy. Well, we are at crazy, and something has to change. Doesn't matter how we got here -- you assured me over and over that we wouldn't, and here we are."

It's not about proving a point or ensuring an outcome. It's about framing what is reasonable before you get enmeshed, because if you have to make your own decisions, it won't come without any warning.

This is beautiful, well-thought out advice.

OP, please take note.

[Anonymous]

Don't let everything get all pent up. It's time to get a tent up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP. Your condition for her moving in should be that her dad and mom agree to the same rules in terms of getting a job or going to school.

Note: If you undermine the mom now, she will have zero incentive to help when (not if) the situation blows up in your face. Maybe the dad has always been the more permissive “fun” parent and he wants to keep doing what he knows. Be very careful about undermining the mom in this situation.

It is obvious that mom and dad don't agree on the rules now, or their daughter would not be trying to swap homes. (If the rules at dad's were the same as at mom's, there'd be no point in moving.) If mom and dad say they are going to have the same rules, that's going to last about as long as it takes for DD to move her stuff to the new place.

Imagine this:
Mom: "Is Larla getting a job like we agreed?"
Dad: "No."
Mom: "What are you doing about it?"
Dad: (shrugs)

And then mom washes her hands of the situation because there is nothing she can do about it and it's no longer her problem.

From the post, mom had full custody and kid barely visited over the years. If Mom didn't encourage or allow Dad to be an active parent, there is absolutely nothing he could have done differently. You cannot blame Dad when Mom has full custody. This is an adult. Mom screwed up with her parenting and probably relied on Dad's child support until it stopped and is now annoyed as money wasn't an issue as long as the child support check was coming in. She probably blocked visitation for higher child support. So, now she wants to wash her hands of it and do a Dad dump. It is not going to change living with Dad. Its very uncomfortable for OP to have an adult child live with her that they barely know and assuming she has young kids, a bad influence. Plus, its one more for OP to care for assuming this kid does nothing. She needs to get a job and rent a room. Dad can supplement the room cost for a few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

OP, that may have been the rule when you were growing up but you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a 20-something year old who has moved in with a parent. Be realistic. This is his kid, let him work it out with her.

[Anonymous]

What is the option for this young lady? Where can she stay? Will she become homeless? Get pregnant? Start selling her body? Get involved with gang members? Start cutting herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered that she's depressed and needs help?

My first thought, too. This is unusual behavior, given her friends’ plans. I saw this in another young adult daughter of a divorced couple. She became suicidal when her parents insisted she continue to attend school or find a job despite repeated rejection because her self-esteem was so low.

[Anonymous]

This young woman needs her father now. I’d give her the rest of the year at his house to regroup under his guidance.

[Anonymous]

If you say no and this girl never launches, DH will blame you. Say yes and put a reasonable time limit on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you say no and this girl never launches, DH will blame you. Say yes and put a reasonable time limit on it.

Then, when she doesn't comply, how do you get her out? She didn't launch and its her and mom's fault. Tell husband yes, but you will not do any cooking, cleaning and expect her to pay $300 rent and do chores.

[Anonymous]

I think the tension of having her live with you will be worse for your marriage that you saying no, she can’t move in, now. It doesn’t sound like your dh is insistent that she move in. She has a home with Mom. Mom is trying to get her to get a job, which is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP, the important thing for you to understand that in this girl's mind, she's moving in with her dad. That's it. That you also live in this house isn't really a factor for her. This transaction is between father and daughter.