My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

I bet what Miss Failure To Launch is secretly scheming for is that both parents pay for her to have her own place rather than live with either of them.

Which could be OK for all concerned, if you've got the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the attitude of you leave at 18 and you can never come back is pretty harsh - especially for a non custodial parent who didn't do a whole lot anyways.

I moved home twice as an adult for short periods. Thankfully my parents were supportive and understanding and didn't have your attitude.

She already lives at home. She's looking to switch homes, because she doesn't like her mother's requirement that, at 22, she get a job. That's preposterous, and I wouldn't let a young adult move in in order to evade the most basic of her responsibilities.

It's not like Op's refusing to let an adult child who has fallen on hard times move in in the face of homelessness.

[Anonymous]

Tents, not rents. Open your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

Stop it with this babbling nonsense. A 22-year old is not a child.

If you moved your loser adult children into the house, without giving your DH any say in the matter, then your DH would divorce you, and rightly so.

All that really matters is that she's a child to her father. It's not up to OP to tell her husband how to treat his daughter.

Blood children first, second spouses second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the attitude of you leave at 18 and you can never come back is pretty harsh - especially for a non custodial parent who didn't do a whole lot anyways.

I moved home twice as an adult for short periods. Thankfully my parents were supportive and understanding and didn't have your attitude.

She already lives at home. She's looking to switch homes, because she doesn't like her mother's requirement that, at 22, she get a job. That's preposterous, and I wouldn't let a young adult move in in order to evade the most basic of her responsibilities.

It's not like Op's refusing to let an adult child who has fallen on hard times move in in the face of homelessness.

That young woman is not her child.

[Anonymous]

I think all 3 co-parents (you, husband, biological mom) should come to an agreement on living conditions, either getting a job or re-enrolling and maintaining a certain grade, while living at whichever house. That way the young woman knows she cannot play you off against each other. See what I mean? It's in your best long-term interest, OP. If the parents don't come to a joint decision, you'll never see an end to her whining and dependency.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone considered that she's depressed and needs help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

Hard NO. She has housing with Mom. She has always lived with Mom. Mom probably is the one to limit visitation/parenting. Nothing will change when she moves in with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think all 3 co-parents (you, husband, biological mom) should come to an agreement on living conditions, either getting a job or re-enrolling and maintaining a certain grade, while living at whichever house. That way the young woman knows she cannot play you off against each other. See what I mean? It's in your best long-term interest, OP. If the parents don't come to a joint decision, you'll never see an end to her whining and dependency.

They aren't co-parenting. Mom had custody, child visited Dad periodically. Too late for playing one off the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You post in relationship forum, not in family, you don't see her as family, but she is a dd to your dh. I take back all my reasonable advice about a hard talk with mom and dad, so you stay out of it.

This is exactly why parents need 50/50 custody. Daughter did not grow up with Dad and step-mom and is only using them. He stopped being a parent once he lost custody of his child and is just a human ATM and visiting relative.

[Anonymous]

Being forced to live on my own when I was not prepared set me up for decades of struggling. Supporting yourself and going to school without help is possible, but with parental
assistance it’s a faster process. Give her a chance. But set up timed goals. You married someone that is a parent, that’s lifelong. Grieve what you thought was a release from being involved and support your partner by being humane.

* with limits and realistic goals for this young girl. Take her to a financial planner and get her set up well. Help her understand basic life skills or at least ask her father to. This will prevent her from being dependent or asking for help much longer in life. My parents flung me at the world and told me to figure it out (not everyone can without guidance)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being forced to live on my own when I was not prepared set me up for decades of struggling. Supporting yourself and going to school without help is possible, but with parental
assistance it’s a faster process. Give her a chance. But set up timed goals. You married someone that is a parent, that’s lifelong. Grieve what you thought was a release from being involved and support your partner by being humane.

* with limits and realistic goals for this young girl. Take her to a financial planner and get her set up well. Help her understand basic life skills or at least ask her father to. This will prevent her from being dependent or asking for help much longer in life. My parents flung me at the world and told me to figure it out (not everyone can without guidance)

This adult has been living with mom for 22 years. She needs to grow up, get a part time job, go to community college and be responsible. She's fleeing form Mom's house as she doesn't want to follow the rules. This is not your situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

Stop it with this babbling nonsense. A 22-year old is not a child.

If you moved your loser adult children into the house, without giving your DH any say in the matter, then your DH would divorce you, and rightly so.

All that really matters is that she's a child to her father. It's not up to OP to tell her husband how to treat his daughter.

Blood children first, second spouses second.

That’s not what marriage is all about. An adult child should not trump a marital relationship, first marriage or second. Do you think first time married parents with bio kids should always put their kids first over their marriage? Most marital counselors and family therapists would not recommend that. Marriage is important too.