What would happen if you denied spouse intimacy for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husband has been the uninterested party for 13+ years and we’re not divorcing, so....13+ years?

He is interested in something, just not you. Maybe an AP, maybe gay, maybe porn. Sorry. Have you strayed through that drought?

This comment is so 1980"s. You have no clue, he could be asexual, he might be on medication that made the boys stop working like so many vets.

Your myopic thinking is so uneducated.

Oh please.... 13 years with no sex is the sign of a serious problem. Medication that makes him impotent does not mean this is not a problem.

OR: Maybe for you, if sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. For me, it’s not. We get along incredibly well, we have the same goals and parenting style for our child/family. Sex is one part of a big picture and, overall, the picture is wonderful. I’m not blowing up my life/my family because I have to use a vibrator. That’s juvenile, in my opinion.

Obviously this is a women's point of view ... If you aren't having sex, I can almost guarantee your husband would not describe the picture as "wonderful"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years. 8.5 years have been completely sexless. One drought was 3 years, one 4, and one 1.5 years.

We never should have married. Married in early 30s.

Spouse has low-T and we have other issues in which I don't want him either. It's bad, very unhappy and not going to last.

Do you have 3 kids? Are you trying to hold off until the youngest is a magical age?

Geography prevented divorce for the majority of the marriage. Finally, that has changed making divorce a possibility.

What?!? Did you live in a country that prohibited divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husband has been the uninterested party for 13+ years and we’re not divorcing, so....13+ years?

He is interested in something, just not you. Maybe an AP, maybe gay, maybe porn. Sorry. Have you strayed through that drought?

This comment is so 1980"s. You have no clue, he could be asexual, he might be on medication that made the boys stop working like so many vets.

Your myopic thinking is so uneducated.

Oh please.... 13 years with no sex is the sign of a serious problem. Medication that makes him impotent does not mean this is not a problem.

OR: Maybe for you, if sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. For me, it’s not. We get along incredibly well, we have the same goals and parenting style for our child/family. Sex is one part of a big picture and, overall, the picture is wonderful. I’m not blowing up my life/my family because I have to use a vibrator. That’s juvenile, in my opinion.

Obviously this is a women's point of view ... If you aren't having sex, I can almost guarantee your husband would not describe the picture as "wonderful"

Or he is not able/interested and she isn’t an a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husband has been the uninterested party for 13+ years and we’re not divorcing, so....13+ years?

He is interested in something, just not you. Maybe an AP, maybe gay, maybe porn. Sorry. Have you strayed through that drought?

This comment is so 1980"s. You have no clue, he could be asexual, he might be on medication that made the boys stop working like so many vets.

Your myopic thinking is so uneducated.

Oh please.... 13 years with no sex is the sign of a serious problem. Medication that makes him impotent does not mean this is not a problem.

OR: Maybe for you, if sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. For me, it’s not. We get along incredibly well, we have the same goals and parenting style for our child/family. Sex is one part of a big picture and, overall, the picture is wonderful. I’m not blowing up my life/my family because I have to use a vibrator. That’s juvenile, in my opinion.

Obviously this is a women's point of view ... If you aren't having sex, I can almost guarantee your husband would not describe the picture as "wonderful"

It's OPs point of view. I'm a DW and would not describe that as wonderful. Sex is not the most important thing in our marriage, not even close. But no sex for 13 years would signal some issue in our marriage. We enjoy the intimacy and the closeness sex brings us. It's just different from the emotional intimacy we have. So it's great it works for you. But just because others would be unsatisfied doesn't mean that sex is the most important thing or that their marriage isn't as good as yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years. 8.5 years have been completely sexless. One drought was 3 years, one 4, and one 1.5 years.

We never should have married. Married in early 30s.

Spouse has low-T and we have other issues in which I don't want him either. It's bad, very unhappy and not going to last.

Do you have 3 kids? Are you trying to hold off until the youngest is a magical age?

Geography prevented divorce for the majority of the marriage. Finally, that has changed making divorce a possibility.

What?!? Did you live in a country that prohibited divorce?

I could not move. Custody issues. Could not get stuck in that state due to my career options there (would have destroyed me financially permanently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husband has been the uninterested party for 13+ years and we’re not divorcing, so....13+ years?

He is interested in something, just not you. Maybe an AP, maybe gay, maybe porn. Sorry. Have you strayed through that drought?

This comment is so 1980"s. You have no clue, he could be asexual, he might be on medication that made the boys stop working like so many vets.

Your myopic thinking is so uneducated.

Oh please.... 13 years with no sex is the sign of a serious problem. Medication that makes him impotent does not mean this is not a problem.

OR: Maybe for you, if sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. For me, it’s not. We get along incredibly well, we have the same goals and parenting style for our child/family. Sex is one part of a big picture and, overall, the picture is wonderful. I’m not blowing up my life/my family because I have to use a vibrator. That’s juvenile, in my opinion.

Are you guys intimate in other ways? Do you kiss, hold hands, cuddle? Does he ever get you off? What's his reasoning for not being interested. Is it medical or has he always been not super into sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you did divorce over no sex, there’s no guarantee that you’ll have frequent sex in the future. You might end up with someone who seems high drive, but in year 3 of marriage loses interest. Are you going to divorce again? And some divorces think dating will be a never ending buffet of sexual partners, but it turns out nothing on the menu is to their taste.

Well duh why would you want to remarry?

If you are in an LTR and your partner loses interest, you kick them out and find someone who is interested.

People think it’s that easy. Only it isn’t. And as they age, the quality options get fewer and fewer —especially if the security of marriage isn’t on the table. Add in health issues with normal aging and people have an easy excuse to evade someone who is ending relationships every few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the Poster upstream: if a true medical reason, I would stay. If just a lack of desire, I would go. How long? One year, at most, assuming I have had the multiple conversations with spouse about what the problem was and what I could do to fix it.

This is an issue in our marriage although our frequency is 1-2x a month. After about 2-3 weeks without, I become more and more disconnected. I can't imagine what 6 months is like, let alone years.

If I became disabled, and couldn't participate in sexual intimacy, I would grant my spouse the permission to find it elsewhere.

My spouse did this for me. It worked out remarkably well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years. 8.5 years have been completely sexless. One drought was 3 years, one 4, and one 1.5 years.

We never should have married. Married in early 30s.

Spouse has low-T and we have other issues in which I don't want him either. It's bad, very unhappy and not going to last.

Do you have 3 kids? Are you trying to hold off until the youngest is a magical age?

Geography prevented divorce for the majority of the marriage. Finally, that has changed making divorce a possibility.

What?!? Did you live in a country that prohibited divorce?

I could not move. Custody issues. Could not get stuck in that state due to my career options there (would have destroyed me financially permanently).

So what changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you did divorce over no sex, there’s no guarantee that you’ll have frequent sex in the future. You might end up with someone who seems high drive, but in year 3 of marriage loses interest. Are you going to divorce again? And some divorces think dating will be a never ending buffet of sexual partners, but it turns out nothing on the menu is to their taste.

Well duh why would you want to remarry?

If you are in an LTR and your partner loses interest, you kick them out and find someone who is interested.

People think it’s that easy. Only it isn’t. And as they age, the quality options get fewer and fewer —especially if the security of marriage isn’t on the table. Add in health issues with normal aging and people have an easy excuse to evade someone who is ending relationships every few years.

Pfffft. A weak and cowardly point of view.

And furthermore, marriage has ZERO security these days. And it doesn't even guarantee sex! A sh1t deal if ever there was one.

[Anonymous]

NP - if I denied my spouse intimacy for a few years he would have been my ex-spouse for a couple of years and he would say the same thing. We are in our 50’s and intimacy is and has always been important to both of us.

[Anonymous]

I have no interest in finding out as denying spouse intimacy would be at a big cost to me. I enjoy sex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years. 8.5 years have been completely sexless. One drought was 3 years, one 4, and one 1.5 years.

We never should have married. Married in early 30s.

Spouse has low-T and we have other issues in which I don't want him either. It's bad, very unhappy and not going to last.

Do you have 3 kids? Are you trying to hold off until the youngest is a magical age?

Geography prevented divorce for the majority of the marriage. Finally, that has changed making divorce a possibility.

What?!? Did you live in a country that prohibited divorce?

I could not move. Custody issues. Could not get stuck in that state due to my career options there (would have destroyed me financially permanently).

So what changed?

Geography. Back in the right state...after many many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husband has been the uninterested party for 13+ years and we’re not divorcing, so....13+ years?

He is interested in something, just not you. Maybe an AP, maybe gay, maybe porn. Sorry. Have you strayed through that drought?

This comment is so 1980"s. You have no clue, he could be asexual, he might be on medication that made the boys stop working like so many vets.

Your myopic thinking is so uneducated.

Oh please.... 13 years with no sex is the sign of a serious problem. Medication that makes him impotent does not mean this is not a problem.

OR: Maybe for you, if sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. For me, it’s not. We get along incredibly well, we have the same goals and parenting style for our child/family. Sex is one part of a big picture and, overall, the picture is wonderful. I’m not blowing up my life/my family because I have to use a vibrator. That’s juvenile, in my opinion.

Obviously this is a women's point of view ... If you aren't having sex, I can almost guarantee your husband would not describe the picture as "wonderful"

Or he is not able/interested and she isn’t an a$$hole.

OR: this is it - he has low drive, maybe medical issues, and all the other aspects of our life together trumps this one, single thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husband has been the uninterested party for 13+ years and we’re not divorcing, so....13+ years?

He is interested in something, just not you. Maybe an AP, maybe gay, maybe porn. Sorry. Have you strayed through that drought?

This comment is so 1980"s. You have no clue, he could be asexual, he might be on medication that made the boys stop working like so many vets.

Your myopic thinking is so uneducated.

Oh please.... 13 years with no sex is the sign of a serious problem. Medication that makes him impotent does not mean this is not a problem.

OR: Maybe for you, if sex is the most important aspect of a marriage. For me, it’s not. We get along incredibly well, we have the same goals and parenting style for our child/family. Sex is one part of a big picture and, overall, the picture is wonderful. I’m not blowing up my life/my family because I have to use a vibrator. That’s juvenile, in my opinion.

Obviously this is a women's point of view ... If you aren't having sex, I can almost guarantee your husband would not describe the picture as "wonderful"

It's OPs point of view. I'm a DW and would not describe that as wonderful. Sex is not the most important thing in our marriage, not even close. But no sex for 13 years would signal some issue in our marriage. We enjoy the intimacy and the closeness sex brings us. It's just different from the emotional intimacy we have. So it's great it works for you. But just because others would be unsatisfied doesn't mean that sex is the most important thing or that their marriage isn't as good as yours.

OR: I’m not the OP, I’m the original responder to this line of comments and I am a woman and it’s my husband who has the issues. This has been the norm for almost the entirety of our marriage, so not some out-of-the-blue change that would signal concern. If he wouldn’t describe it as wonderful, all of this is on his end, why hasn’t he left? There are no affairs, he’s always home or at work and he works some at home and never late hours. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but not all men have a high sex drive. End of story.

I am not, at all, implying my marriage is better than others, although many of the posters are saying that my marriage is unacceptable, he’s having an affair,, he’s gay, etc. - completely judging me when I simply gave one perspective. For ME, leaving over this isn’t something I’d consider, but others can/may feel differently.