accepting that sister doesn't like me and we will never be a "family"

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound too angry to think straight. Try to get it out and think of ways that your life is fulfilling without your sister. And you need to look at your own behavior too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sibling and spouse are like this too...always "too busy." I took their statement at face value for years, until we moved to the area and they discovered social media. Now I know they are "too busy" socializing with their friends and we are rarely included--to the point that one of their friends will ask me, on the twice or so a year we see them, "why weren't you at your siblings party?" Um, we weren't invited?

It makes me sad, but I am in the process of making peace with the situation myself. I've been the family outs for a while, as my family goes between making someone a golden child to blacksheep and then reversing.

Still love my sibling, but we have different personalities and different priorities. The big happy family is not going to happen for me, and I've been in therapy dealing with that and other issues, and trying to be grateful and happy for what I do have.

THANK YOU! This sounds like us. We are invited to parties, though, so that's good. I know now that "busy" means "we don't want to spend time with you." It used to REALLY bother me, but after last weekend I am almost at peace with it. We are so fortunate to have incredible friends and more.

Wait, what? Your sister invites you to parties, and you're upset that she doesn't invite you to come hang over at her house?

Yes. I'd like to see her more than 4x a year.

OP, by any chance did you just go on a cruise to celebrate your mother's cancer remission? There are a lot of similarities in between you and another OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want people to be kind, but it seems like you are not hearing. What you describe as “just wanting to hang out” and having your kids “join the fun” is probably not as easy as it seems, particularly if these families have a long pattern of impromptu interaction. You are awfully judgmental about how your sister *should* have spent her weekend. I don’t know if she is nice or not, but build your own life and quit obsessing about how she is supposed to fit into your plan.

+1
You keep insisting that it would be so easy for her to include you, because her time with the neighbors is informal, that she wouldn't have to host you, etc. But she's friends with those people. They have a history and pattern of informally hanging out, and they get along, the kids get along, they likely have similar parenting styles, etc. It's *not* easy and relaxed to have people over that you don't get along well with, that have different parenting styles, and that would change the dynamic.

If she didn't have kids, would you even care that you weren't invited?

+1

You may see it as informal, but I bet she sees it as a Whole Thing to host you, with the fraught relationship and the baggage and the different family styles, and the fact that you guys don't have an easy, casual groove already established. Given how you describe her weekly schedule, she probably just doesn't have the bandwidth to take all that on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want people to be kind, but it seems like you are not hearing. What you describe as “just wanting to hang out” and having your kids “join the fun” is probably not as easy as it seems, particularly if these families have a long pattern of impromptu interaction. You are awfully judgmental about how your sister *should* have spent her weekend. I don’t know if she is nice or not, but build your own life and quit obsessing about how she is supposed to fit into your plan.

+1
You keep insisting that it would be so easy for her to include you, because her time with the neighbors is informal, that she wouldn't have to host you, etc. But she's friends with those people. They have a history and pattern of informally hanging out, and they get along, the kids get along, they likely have similar parenting styles, etc. It's *not* easy and relaxed to have people over that you don't get along well with, that have different parenting styles, and that would change the dynamic.

If she didn't have kids, would you even care that you weren't invited?

+1

You may see it as informal, but I bet she sees it as a Whole Thing to host you, with the fraught relationship and the baggage and the different family styles, and the fact that you guys don't have an easy, casual groove already established. Given how you describe her weekly schedule, she probably just doesn't have the bandwidth to take all that on.

Not only that, but the neighbors can always head home into their own house in a matter of seconds. Sister doesn't need to worry about having to provide food or snacks or having her house be in order. Hanging out can end in an instant if a kid is cranky or something changes - everyone is steps from home and can leave instantly. OP and kids are visitors who will need to be fed and watered. Who will stay for a certain amount of time. OP and sister are not close so sister will feel the need to play host, may feel judged if things are messy, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

+1000!

Unfortunately, OP, this is the reality. Your sister's expectation is a world different from yours and there is nothing you can do to change that.
I also have a strained relationship with my sister which rooted from our childhood. I cannot change the past history, therefore I can do nothing to change how she feels about me now. Sis/BIL recently moved to this area on job relocation. Like you, OP, I also had a hope to re-connect with her. But, I learnt my lesson big time that I would not necessarily fight for reconnecting with my sister any more. On an invitation from sis, I visited her place once but the whole time I was their she was on her mobile phone browsing internet, did nothing to engage in any conversation with me. Felt like sis used the mobile phone to actively shun me so that sis does not have to deal with me. Although we (me and sis) had the awkward time, her kid (niece) and my kid had a great time spending a quality cousin time together.

After this, I quietly distanced myself from my sister (we communicate on text messages, but never on the phone, only visit her place at door step to exchange goods/drop off kids). It would have been great to have a close relationship sister, but in my case, I don't have that. At least, I know she is willing to let her kid spend time with my kid, so I will arrange a cousin time (drop-off visit only), but nothing more than that. I will also have my husband or BIL with me/sis, if we need to meet at some point (needs a buffer, sort of speak).

Also OP, if you are SAHM, maybe you have too much free time to think about the nonsense. Can you try to find something to do, just for yourself? What are you interested into, like wanna pick up practicing guitar/piano, etc.? Pour your time/thoughts into things that make you happier is far more healthy than clinging on the "emotionally" lost sister.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing this is your older sister? In general this is the result of parent's favoritism that put a wedge between siblings, but also cultivates the notions in one kid that they are better then the other and they carry it into the adult life. Never getting off a high horse always trying to somehow keep the other in that place that make you feel like you are less important and less achieved then them for no apparent reason. You don't need her to be happy. Let go.

[Anonymous]

Also she might be simply differently wired then you and perhaps on a spectrum. Therefore she might be mean without thinking much about it. Not caring what you feel and wh at she does to you. Read about women on a spectrum and maybe this will help you to find a way to have a healthier relationship. Worth a try.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are her kids? Are they old enough to talk on the phone with your kids so the cousins can have a relationship? Old enough to do sleepovers at your house -- you can couch it as giving your sister and her husband a break/date night? (I LOVE it when my SIL or inlaws take my older kid. It's fun for him and a wonderful break for us, even if we still have the little one. It's amazing how easy one kid is when you're used to having two.)

If you and she don't get along it's not that surprising (though still sad) that she doesn't want to hang out. But I'm surprised she wouldn't want to foster the cousin relationship.

My sister and I have kids close in age and we used to talk about taking family vacations, but over the years I've realized that's not going to happen although I see pictures of her vacationing with her friends and their families. If I had to guess I'd say it's my brother in law; I've always thought he doesn't like our whole family (me, parents, grandparents, etc) although he is polite when we get together. He's not my favorite person either. But regardless, my sister and I make sure the kids have a chance for brief FaceTime calls (all the kids are under 6) every couple of weeks and meet at least three times a year at my parents' house. We try to coordinate visits as much as possible so the cousins can have a chance to get to know each other. We live 8 hours away from each other; if we lived a half hour away like you do, I am sure I would have my niece and nephew over frequently and vice versa, even if they didn't necessarily come that often as a family due to my BIL.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that you are considering a job offer to move to Japan indefinitely. See her reaction. Sometimes people reset when they are presented with a chance of loss.
If she will realize that you are not here forever and you may be gone maybe she will appreciate you more. You can always decline the "job offer"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her that you are considering a job offer to move to Japan indefinitely. See her reaction. Sometimes people reset when they are presented with a chance of loss.
If she will realize that you are not here forever and you may be gone maybe she will appreciate you more. You can always decline the "job offer"

why would a company in Japan offer a job to a SAHM? If you're going to tell a whopper at least try to make it believable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP, I don’t agree with the above poster. I have a sister, four years younger, and I would absolutely invite her to any large social gathering that didn’t have a strict guest list created by someone other than me.

I’m sorry you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. I don’t think it’s cultural, I think it varies from family to family. But like others, I’d encourage you to go out and look for friends who want deep close bonds - the kind of people who throw Friendsgiving and stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The weekends are her only opportunity to host play dates with her children's friends. Probably the neighbors have her kids over during the week. Honestly, I think it's sad that she can't find a way to fit in some cousin/sister time, too, but she may feel obligated to reciprocate with her neighbors and nurture her children's friendships. Plus, you really don't know how long the neighbors are at her house, it could be for a much shorter time than you think. I think you are better off dropping this with her because you have asked her multiple times about getting together and her response has been to send you pictures of her getting together with the neighbors. You and your kids deserve better, Op.

I also feel this that with 60 hr/week FT job, OP's sis does not have enough time to spare to begin with. And with the little time she has left, she made it clear to exclude OP. Informal visit or not, she does not want to do any sister time. I am sorry to hear that she even does not want to do the "cousin time", but that kind of tells me she really does not want to spend time with OP. Would you want to hang out with her still knowing that she is very much likely emotionally unavailable? Agree with the above post that you and your kids deserve better, OP.
It hurts but I hope you can made a peace with this soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP, I don’t agree with the above poster. I have a sister, four years younger, and I would absolutely invite her to any large social gathering that didn’t have a strict guest list created by someone other than me.

I’m sorry you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. I don’t think it’s cultural, I think it varies from family to family. But like others, I’d encourage you to go out and look for friends who want deep close bonds - the kind of people who throw Friendsgiving and stuff like that.

Same here. My sister even invited my best friends to her wedding - and I invited her best friend and the best friend's entire family (parents, siblings, spouse). However, we are close and see each other weekly. OP and her sister do not have that relationship, never have, and it can't be forced, it needs to be built from the ground up if the sister is receptive. It doesn't sound like she is right now, but perhaps that will change if OP continues to reach out and extent no-pressure invites. Maybe someday soon she will accept a low-pressure, short park playdate and find that she enjoys the company of her sister and nieces/nephews more than she expected. I'm sorry you are hurting, OP.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are blaming your sister for a void in your life that is actually YOUR job to fill. She can't fix things for you, OP. Accept who she is, understand that she doesn't hate you (nobody does), and act to make your life happy. To be content and happy in one's life takes work, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP, I don’t agree with the above poster. I have a sister, four years younger, and I would absolutely invite her to any large social gathering that didn’t have a strict guest list created by someone other than me.

I’m sorry you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. I don’t think it’s cultural, I think it varies from family to family. But like others, I’d encourage you to go out and look for friends who want deep close bonds - the kind of people who throw Friendsgiving and stuff like that.

But the sister DOES invite OP to large social gatherings. Just not to smaller gatherings with one or two other families.