accepting that sister doesn't like me and we will never be a "family"

[Anonymous]

My sister lives about 35 minutes away and we have kids of similar ages. We recently moved and we are closer to her, location wise.

I had this fantasy of 1x a month dinners, play time, etc. I grew up in a nuclear family (3 kids, 2 parents) and my parents are still alive and married, but none of us are close and speak regularly. I really, really want a "family" (like Parenthood!). I have tried, but the effort is for nothing and it is exhausting me emotionally. I need to cut my losses. I have, a bit, and I do feel relief.

I am processing coming to terms with this. Recently, I tried for weeks to get us together, but she said she was busy, etc etc. Then she posted a whole bunch of photos of them with their neighbors, having a blast. We weren't invited, of course, and more so she told me she was busy all that day. It was sort of a punch to the gut, AND a HUGE wake up call. She doesn't want to spend time with us.

I was just hoping we'd morph into friends and family and our dislike for each other would be overruled by good times and family love. It was made abundantly clear to me the minute she shared those photos that it isn't going to happen for us. Ever.

I just have this desire for a "family", and it isn't happening. We are blessed with great friends and an idyllic life. It is time to really move on, and accept that maybe we will see each other 4x a year for our kid birthdays and Christmas, but never to "hang out".

Please be kind. Anyone been in a similar place?

(we can't afford therapy so I'm turning to DCUM).

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you like each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you like each other?

Honestly, I do not know. It is deeply rooted in our childhood, that is for sure. We have never been close. We are very, very different. I am a SAHM, she works 60 hours a week. We could not be more different on how we raise our children. My clothes are from old navy, hers are high fashion couture. Those types of things.

Some of the child rearing aspects are extreme and challenging when we are together. But I sort of hoped we'd be adults and put family first, and not care.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to switch places with you. My sister has narcissistic tendencies and doesn't seem to like me at all. Nonetheless, she insists on hosting every holiday and numerous family gatherings. Attempts to avoid are met with guilt trips and pressure from other siblings. These gatherings are tense and, oftentimes, she yells at someone. Last weekend it was me. I decided I will not spend another holiday during my kid's childhood with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister lives about 35 minutes away and we have kids of similar ages. We recently moved and we are closer to her, location wise.

I had this fantasy of 1x a month dinners, play time, etc. I grew up in a nuclear family (3 kids, 2 parents) and my parents are still alive and married, but none of us are close and speak regularly. I really, really want a "family" (like Parenthood!). I have tried, but the effort is for nothing and it is exhausting me emotionally. I need to cut my losses. I have, a bit, and I do feel relief.

I am processing coming to terms with this. Recently, I tried for weeks to get us together, but she said she was busy, etc etc. Then she posted a whole bunch of photos of them with their neighbors, having a blast. We weren't invited, of course, and more so she told me she was busy all that day. It was sort of a punch to the gut, AND a HUGE wake up call. She doesn't want to spend time with us.

I was just hoping we'd morph into friends and family and our dislike for each other would be overruled by good times and family love. It was made abundantly clear to me the minute she shared those photos that it isn't going to happen for us. Ever.

I just have this desire for a "family", and it isn't happening. We are blessed with great friends and an idyllic life. It is time to really move on, and accept that maybe we will see each other 4x a year for our kid birthdays and Christmas, but never to "hang out".

Please be kind. Anyone been in a similar place?

(we can't afford therapy so I'm turning to DCUM).

Hi OP. Please remember that you DO have a family: your DH and your children. And any friends you have. 'Family' doesn't necessarily mean that there's a biological connection. Sometimes friends are better than family, and you get to choose your friends. The families on TV are unicorns; no family is that perfect.

My sister and I were once close, but we haven't spoken in a very long time. She's my mother's Golden Child and she's created lots of drama and tension over the years by claiming the most outrageous things. My brother is estranged from her too. Our children are also similar in age. Sometimes I miss the closeness we once shared, but I've realized that she's just too toxic. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around her, and it just becomes exhausting and stressful being in her company.

It doesn't sound as if the cousins will have a good relationship anyway if your sister behaves this way. Enjoy your time the family you've created and look for your tribe within the community or elsewhere. All the best, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you have to make a family through friends they don’t have to actually be related to you. Why don’t you and your sister like each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

Pp, do your older sister a favor and tell her these specific things BEFORE she moves close to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

Pp, do your older sister a favor and tell her these specific things BEFORE she moves close to you.

I have told her to be realistic about her expectations (and traffic!), but the specifics are my own examples of some things I think she thinks. I'm not a mind reader. She's an adult. If she has expectations from other people, she needs to articulate them. Adults don't assume other adults will just fulfill what's lacking in their lives (actual, real emergencies are different, of course).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister lives about 35 minutes away and we have kids of similar ages. We recently moved and we are closer to her, location wise.

I had this fantasy of 1x a month dinners, play time, etc. I grew up in a nuclear family (3 kids, 2 parents) and my parents are still alive and married, but none of us are close and speak regularly. I really, really want a "family" (like Parenthood!). I have tried, but the effort is for nothing and it is exhausting me emotionally. I need to cut my losses. I have, a bit, and I do feel relief.

I am processing coming to terms with this. Recently, I tried for weeks to get us together, but she said she was busy, etc etc. Then she posted a whole bunch of photos of them with their neighbors, having a blast. We weren't invited, of course, and more so she told me she was busy all that day. It was sort of a punch to the gut, AND a HUGE wake up call. She doesn't want to spend time with us.

I was just hoping we'd morph into friends and family and our dislike for each other would be overruled by good times and family love. It was made abundantly clear to me the minute she shared those photos that it isn't going to happen for us. Ever.

I just have this desire for a "family", and it isn't happening. We are blessed with great friends and an idyllic life. It is time to really move on, and accept that maybe we will see each other 4x a year for our kid birthdays and Christmas, but never to "hang out".

Please be kind. Anyone been in a similar place?

(we can't afford therapy so I'm turning to DCUM).

Hi OP. Please remember that you DO have a family: your DH and your children. And any friends you have. 'Family' doesn't necessarily mean that there's a biological connection. Sometimes friends are better than family, and you get to choose your friends. The families on TV are unicorns; no family is that perfect.

My sister and I were once close, but we haven't spoken in a very long time. She's my mother's Golden Child and she's created lots of drama and tension over the years by claiming the most outrageous things. My brother is estranged from her too. Our children are also similar in age. Sometimes I miss the closeness we once shared, but I've realized that she's just too toxic. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around her, and it just becomes exhausting and stressful being in her company.

It doesn't sound as if the cousins will have a good relationship anyway if your sister behaves this way. Enjoy your time the family you've created and look for your tribe within the community or elsewhere. All the best, OP!

Very kind. Thank you. My husband and I both try very hard to focus on the possibility that OUR family (us and kids) have the potential to be close when they are older. We can change our family story (all estranged siblings) starting with my boys.

[Anonymous]

Other than to tell you that you are right and have to accept it and that I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to offer. I was wondering whether you were close growing up and whether your family facilitated activities together like vacations and weekend family plans.

I think many of us hope that our kids are close when they grow up and we’re wondering if there are lessons learned that you might have for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

OP did you discuss your expectations of your sister with her, before you moved? What was her response?

If not, you cannot hold resentment towards her for what you wanted and expected, but did not tell her.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she doesn like that you expect her to fill an idealized role in a play, rather than being actually interested in her as an individual.