accepting that sister doesn't like me and we will never be a "family"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP, I don’t agree with the above poster. I have a sister, four years younger, and I would absolutely invite her to any large social gathering that didn’t have a strict guest list created by someone other than me.

I’m sorry you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. I don’t think it’s cultural, I think it varies from family to family. But like others, I’d encourage you to go out and look for friends who want deep close bonds - the kind of people who throw Friendsgiving and stuff like that.

But the sister DOES invite OP to large social gatherings. Just not to smaller gatherings with one or two other families.

Right. OP is invited to the parties - but that's not enough for her.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP, I don’t agree with the above poster. I have a sister, four years younger, and I would absolutely invite her to any large social gathering that didn’t have a strict guest list created by someone other than me.

I’m sorry you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. I don’t think it’s cultural, I think it varies from family to family. But like others, I’d encourage you to go out and look for friends who want deep close bonds - the kind of people who throw Friendsgiving and stuff like that.

But the sister DOES invite OP to large social gatherings. Just not to smaller gatherings with one or two other families.

Right. OP is invited to the parties - but that's not enough for her.

Do families not get together for more than parties? Am I that out of touch? I thought families (who lived close to each other) got together more often than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do families not get together for more than parties? Am I that out of touch? I thought families (who lived close to each other) got together more often than that.

I'd say if siblings are close to each other, Yes. In OP's situation, not....

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who works those hours and has 3 kids. She is BUSY! Everything moves at a fast pace.
If parenting styles are different, income is different, neighborhood is different I can see how the gears would grind and maybe there would be friction with the kids.
However she DOES take time to take pics and post them. The pictures don’t show how quickly they were taken or how short the time was. I guess late at night she relaxes by working on her FB.
I’m sorry OP people have explained it well. It still hurts because the pics always look like everything is just WONDERFUL! That doesn’t mean it is. You have to make your own way.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's about you, your lifestyle and your parenting style. None of these mesh with hers. It's OK, it's not good or bad, but if you differ so much and were never close, then that's that - no picture perfect family out of the blue.

You sound very needy, that tends to repel people. She may be genuinely too busy (you may not think it's a big deal, but working 60 hrs and raising kids is a b*%tch). It could also be parenting specific: maybe your kids use too much screen time and she forbids that for hers, maybe they roughhouse while you look the other way and she doesn't like that, maybe her DH is super religious and you and DH are not. I mean these are all material things, however random, that could make a person not want to socialize with someone.

[Anonymous]

I also agree it could be the parenting differences, as a reflection of general personalities. One could be very strict/type A and the other lax/type B. My SIL is strict on food but lax on bedtimes and I’m the opposite. She’s also lax on screens and I’m not. It’s challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP, I don’t agree with the above poster. I have a sister, four years younger, and I would absolutely invite her to any large social gathering that didn’t have a strict guest list created by someone other than me.

I’m sorry you don’t have that kind of relationship with your sister. I don’t think it’s cultural, I think it varies from family to family. But like others, I’d encourage you to go out and look for friends who want deep close bonds - the kind of people who throw Friendsgiving and stuff like that.

But the sister DOES invite OP to large social gatherings. Just not to smaller gatherings with one or two other families.

Right. OP is invited to the parties - but that's not enough for her.

Do families not get together for more than parties? Am I that out of touch? I thought families (who lived close to each other) got together more often than that.

It depends. Like OP, you are making assumptions about how "families" behave. I know families who get together often, and others who see each other mostly on holidays and the like. Some families enjoy spending time together, get along, and make the effort to see each other more often. Others don't really like each other that much, which appears to be the family that OP has. She and her siblings have never been close, they don't like each other, and they have serious differences in how they parent their kids.

[Anonymous]

We don’t see local s’il and BIL much more than we see the three hour away ones. We do pet sit for locals and visa versa, but we’ve rarely child-minded for each other. Mostly we’ve seen each other around the kids birthdays - not so much when older- and Christmas. They live 20 minutes away. We font dislike each other, but we don’t do the same things and don’t enjoy their friends.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think that 99% of it is that she works 60 hours a week, has a ton to do around her own house and sort of takes a kill two birds with one stone approach by having the neighbors over to entertain her kids while she takes care of laundry and other household chores. She relies on those friendships so that her kids have friends to do activities and camps with.

Unless you have worked a 60 hour work week, you truly will not appreciate just how limited her free time truly is. She's in survival mode and doing the best that she can. Back off, send her a text every now and then and aim to see her quarterly.