accepting that sister doesn't like me and we will never be a "family"

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. My sister has serious mental illness and so we don’t have the close relationship I dream of either. I’m lucky if she’ll make a few hours for me a couple times a year. I’ve focused on building a good community of neighbors and friends from church who fill that need for “sisterhood” in my life. I think you’ll be happier when you realize you can’t change your sister and build your own village. There are a lot of other women out there in your same situation who would love to be friends. I know it’s hard. Sorry you’ve gotten so many rude responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you come across as overly demanding and inconsiderate of your sister's time, that might be why she is holding you at a distance.

If? I think that ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Op please listen to my take. I have a sister who also stays at home and has similar age kids...she too lives about a half hour away. She really under estimates how limited my time is. I get home at 5, we have religious school one evening a week, each kid (3) has a sport/dance another weeknight and then we have weekend games. So on my best weeks I have extra curriculars 4 times a week and 2-3 times per weekend. That doesn't include my middle son who also does after school tutoring twice a week. If I am hanging out with my neighbors on Saturday evening its because we all just got home after a long day running in-between soccer fields and we threw some hot dogs on the grill. By the time I grab my phone to text you to come over the entire event would be almost over. Its literally just playing with the neighbors while we grill dinner..nothing more. Also beyond my kids schedules I have to cook, pick up dry cleaning, try and date my husband occasionally, work out 3 times a week is my goal but it ends up being twice a week most weeks. Don't get my started on hair cuts...its a shit show the week my kids all end up needing hair cuts. I don't want to make this a stay at home debate but I think its hard for moms who don't work to really understand what our lives our like. My sister also has an urge to "get out of the house" (she usually that phrase all the time) and I honestly that the opposite urge...to get back home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister lives about 35 minutes away and we have kids of similar ages. We recently moved and we are closer to her, location wise.

I had this fantasy of 1x a month dinners, play time, etc. I grew up in a nuclear family (3 kids, 2 parents) and my parents are still alive and married, but none of us are close and speak regularly. I really, really want a "family" (like Parenthood!). I have tried, but the effort is for nothing and it is exhausting me emotionally. I need to cut my losses. I have, a bit, and I do feel relief.

I am processing coming to terms with this. Recently, I tried for weeks to get us together, but she said she was busy, etc etc. Then she posted a whole bunch of photos of them with their neighbors, having a blast. We weren't invited, of course, and more so she told me she was busy all that day. It was sort of a punch to the gut, AND a HUGE wake up call. She doesn't want to spend time with us.

I was just hoping we'd morph into friends and family and our dislike for each other would be overruled by good times and family love. It was made abundantly clear to me the minute she shared those photos that it isn't going to happen for us. Ever.

I just have this desire for a "family", and it isn't happening. We are blessed with great friends and an idyllic life. It is time to really move on, and accept that maybe we will see each other 4x a year for our kid birthdays and Christmas, but never to "hang out".

Please be kind. Anyone been in a similar place?

(we can't afford therapy so I'm turning to DCUM).

I'm sorry, OP. But to be honest, if you weren't close before for reasons that have nothing to do with distance, closer proximity is unlikely to change that.

That said, perhaps there is a happy medium. How old are all the kids? Even if your sister doesn't want to get together frequently as entire families, is there a possibility that you take her kids for an overnight or weekend once a month, to let the cousins hang out together and get close? And she can reciprocate if she has time but if not, at least you will be getting to know your nieces/nephews and your kids will get to know their cousins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op please listen to my take. I have a sister who also stays at home and has similar age kids...she too lives about a half hour away. She really under estimates how limited my time is. I get home at 5, we have religious school one evening a week, each kid (3) has a sport/dance another weeknight and then we have weekend games. So on my best weeks I have extra curriculars 4 times a week and 2-3 times per weekend. That doesn't include my middle son who also does after school tutoring twice a week. If I am hanging out with my neighbors on Saturday evening its because we all just got home after a long day running in-between soccer fields and we threw some hot dogs on the grill. By the time I grab my phone to text you to come over the entire event would be almost over. Its literally just playing with the neighbors while we grill dinner..nothing more. Also beyond my kids schedules I have to cook, pick up dry cleaning, try and date my husband occasionally, work out 3 times a week is my goal but it ends up being twice a week most weeks. Don't get my started on hair cuts...its a shit show the week my kids all end up needing hair cuts. I don't want to make this a stay at home debate but I think its hard for moms who don't work to really understand what our lives our like. My sister also has an urge to "get out of the house" (she usually that phrase all the time) and I honestly that the opposite urge...to get back home!

DP here with a similar schedule and I get it. However, if it were actually a priority, sister could have invited OP and her family over to just generally hang out. It doesn't have to be some big thing. If you are grilling dinner and eating dinner, you can do that with family if you are so inclined. The fact that OP's sister is not so inclined is what is apparent.

We have friends whom we rarely see because for them everything has to be some big planned event and it's hard for us to do that frequently. We have others we see all the time because they are fine with just coming over for a couple hours if we all have some free time, or saying "hey, why not bring the kids back to our place for dinner after Hebrew school" or whatever. If OP's sister wanted to see OP, she could simply say "hey, why not come over on Saturday and we'll all hang out, or you can stay with all the kids so they can play while I run errands, and then we'll grill." But she doesn't want to see OP (which is her prerogative, of course) and so she has time for everyone else but not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

Pp, do your older sister a favor and tell her these specific things BEFORE she moves close to you.

I have told her to be realistic about her expectations (and traffic!), but the specifics are my own examples of some things I think she thinks. I'm not a mind reader. She's an adult. If she has expectations from other people, she needs to articulate them. Adults don't assume other adults will just fulfill what's lacking in their lives (actual, real emergencies are different, of course).

Wow, you suck.

I'm so lucky in that my sisters are kind and thoughtful and will help me out if I have to work late, because it's what family does.

Wow, your sisters live 20 miles down 66 and will pay a $20 toll at rush hour, and drop everything for that? Your sisters are saints!

If I needed it? Yes. We'd do that for friends, not just each other. But we were raised to take care of each other. Would they like it if I was constantly running late and they had to constantly do that? Hell no. But will they do it if I needed it? Yes. Yes, they will. I'm conscious of their kindness and never exploit it, but I also step in and help anyway I can because it's what sisters do.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are me. I was in the same boat as you. It took a while but I made peace with it. I love my sister, but we would never be friends if we weren't related. It hurts so much because you are feeling rejected, but know that it is her personality. If she is like my sister, she has been this way her whole life. Just keep reminding yourself that she we probably be there for you in an emergency, but she won't be your friend. I wish I could give better advice than this, but you can only change you and your reaction to others...you can't change them.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are me. I was in the same boat as you. It took a while but I made peace with it. I love my sister, but we would never be friends if we weren't related. It hurts so much because you are feeling rejected, but know that it is her personality. If she is like my sister, she has been this way her whole life. Just keep reminding yourself that she we probably be there for you in an emergency, but she won't be your friend. I wish I could give better advice than this, but you can only change you and your reaction to others...you can't change them.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. My older sister has never liked me, even in childhood. It hurts. I always idolized her. I found my own way and she seems to think that it’s some kind of judgment on her. Im sure if we lived nearby it would become more obvious she doesn’t want to be close. I’m trying to set my children up for a better relationship but not sure there’s much I can do. Do you have close female friendships? That has eased my pain a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

Pp, do your older sister a favor and tell her these specific things BEFORE she moves close to you.

I have told her to be realistic about her expectations (and traffic!), but the specifics are my own examples of some things I think she thinks. I'm not a mind reader. She's an adult. If she has expectations from other people, she needs to articulate them. Adults don't assume other adults will just fulfill what's lacking in their lives (actual, real emergencies are different, of course).

Wow, you suck.

I'm so lucky in that my sisters are kind and thoughtful and will help me out if I have to work late, because it's what family does.

Wow, your sisters live 20 miles down 66 and will pay a $20 toll at rush hour, and drop everything for that? Your sisters are saints!

If I needed it? Yes. We'd do that for friends, not just each other. But we were raised to take care of each other. Would they like it if I was constantly running late and they had to constantly do that? Hell no. But will they do it if I needed it? Yes. Yes, they will. I'm conscious of their kindness and never exploit it, but I also step in and help anyway I can because it's what sisters do.

A lot of people really can't do that. My sister in law is wonderful and would absolutely help us out in an emergency, but she can't drop everything if we are late coming home from work because she works too, and has a dog who will pee on the carpet if she doesn't get home to walk him. Likewise I would help her out in an emergency but if I am home alone with two small kids, not going to happen unless it's a life or death emergency like the hospital. At some point distance makes things tough. I have done more for my neighbors whom I'm not close with than for my family whom I love, simply because it's a lot easier to walk 3 houses down than to hop in the car and drive for an hour.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you want things to be a certain way and find it sad and hurtful that your sister is keeping her distance. But you've said yourself you guys are different as can be, you've never been close and you even say there's a mutual dislike, not to mention your child-rearing approach sounds like it could potentially be incompatible. If your sister doesn't share your vision of "family", and instead considers her family to be those she's chosen as close friends, it's no wonder she isn't interested in interacting. Her time is limited and she prioritizes relationships she enjoys rather than ones that are obligatory.

You can't force closeness and love where none has ever existed. But you can always continue to reach out occasionally and offer to meet up on neutral ground somewhere for a couple of hours - a park, for example, where everyone can bail without being rude. That way she might be more likely to agree, and you have a chance to test out whether you actually will get along now and enjoy the interaction.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound pretty sanctimonious, OP. You make it pretty clear that you think your life choices are far superior to hers. I can see why spending time with you may be emotionally draining for you. Also, maybe they don’t care for your spouse? We are not huge fans of my sister’s husband. He’s one of those people who knows everything about everything and is always right. Usually we ignore but he once argued with my husband about something that relates to my husband’s profession that BIL knows nothing about. DH wouldn’t back down for once and ended up “the bad guy.” It’s exhausting and not fun.

[Anonymous]

The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Offer to watch her kids while she gets stuff done around her house and suddenly you will be getting lots of cousin time.

[Anonymous]

OP this is not about you personally but something to think about. We have a friend group that meets every 6 weeks or so. It’s a neighborhood thing that’s gone on for years. But one member always brings her sister.
Sister doesn’t talk to anyone but her sister. She doesn’t live in the neighborhood, her kids aren’t the same age .... I’ve tried every conversation topic I can think of and all I (or anyone else) ever gets is a polite I rather talk to my sister.