accepting that sister doesn't like me and we will never be a "family"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP here. She always has plans with the neighbors. Not really plans, they are just always together. It wasn't a special thing. They see the neighbor kids many, many times a week. I was trying to get the cousins together for a couple hours on weekend. I said anytime, really. She said she had plans at her work. I offered many options and times, and she said no. Next thing I know she is sending loads of photos of them playing with the neighbors. We live 35 minutes away. It hurts to not have been included. My kids could have easily joined in.

I'm not asking to be a priority. We are far from that. I was just thinking we'd see each other more than birthdays and Christmas. It would be nice to be considered as someone to spend time with. not prioritized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than to tell you that you are right and have to accept it and that I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to offer. I was wondering whether you were close growing up and whether your family facilitated activities together like vacations and weekend family plans.

I think many of us hope that our kids are close when they grow up and we’re wondering if there are lessons learned that you might have for us.

OP here. I am working SO hard on this. No, we were not close. No weekend plans or vacations. My brother and I do not speak. My sister and brother do not speak. I used to be the middle ground (literally) but that fell apart.

My husband want to work SO hard to make sure this does not happen to our children. I want them to like each other. If not, at least love each other. They do not need to prioritize each other, but I'd love for them to want to spend time together more than 4x a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

All of this.

Not quite. We are never invited. But, they are always with their neighbors. It isn't a formal type thing. They are always playing together. It would not have been weird for her to say "bring your kids over, we are all playing!"

It was a very blatant "we didn't want to hang out with you."

It was JUST the wake up call I needed, honestly. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. I don't need to chase this dream anymore.

[Anonymous]

Good God, you are needy and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good God, you are needy and exhausting.

Thanks for following my request to be kind. Everyone else is being quite helpful, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than to tell you that you are right and have to accept it and that I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to offer. I was wondering whether you were close growing up and whether your family facilitated activities together like vacations and weekend family plans.

I think many of us hope that our kids are close when they grow up and we’re wondering if there are lessons learned that you might have for us.

OP here. I am working SO hard on this. No, we were not close. No weekend plans or vacations. My brother and I do not speak. My sister and brother do not speak. I used to be the middle ground (literally) but that fell apart.

My husband want to work SO hard to make sure this does not happen to our children. I want them to like each other. If not, at least love each other. They do not need to prioritize each other, but I'd love for them to want to spend time together more than 4x a year.

OP, please be mindful that if you try and force closeness between your kids, it will almost certainly backfire. Let your kids fight, be annoyed with each other, and dislike each other at times. If you don't, I guarantee you that resentment will build and though they may get along now (by forcing/manipulating it), that is no guarantee that it will last once your kids grow up. Let them hash it out sibling stuff now.

And yeah, it's incredibly unfair for you to put your unarticulated, unrealistic expectations on your sister. She has her own life and her own friends. Life isn't a TV show or movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister lives about 35 minutes away and we have kids of similar ages. We recently moved and we are closer to her, location wise.

I had this fantasy of 1x a month dinners, play time, etc. I grew up in a nuclear family (3 kids, 2 parents) and my parents are still alive and married, but none of us are close and speak regularly. I really, really want a "family" (like Parenthood!). I have tried, but the effort is for nothing and it is exhausting me emotionally. I need to cut my losses. I have, a bit, and I do feel relief.

I am processing coming to terms with this. Recently, I tried for weeks to get us together, but she said she was busy, etc etc. Then she posted a whole bunch of photos of them with their neighbors, having a blast. We weren't invited, of course, and more so she told me she was busy all that day. It was sort of a punch to the gut, AND a HUGE wake up call. She doesn't want to spend time with us.

I was just hoping we'd morph into friends and family and our dislike for each other would be overruled by good times and family love. It was made abundantly clear to me the minute she shared those photos that it isn't going to happen for us. Ever.

I just have this desire for a "family", and it isn't happening. We are blessed with great friends and an idyllic life. It is time to really move on, and accept that maybe we will see each other 4x a year for our kid birthdays and Christmas, but never to "hang out".

Please be kind. Anyone been in a similar place?

(we can't afford therapy so I'm turning to DCUM).

What you wanted was a fantasy. By definition, that's not real. You weren't close to your siblings, you apparently don't even like each other, but you hoped that this would all magically change because you live closer. You are into a specific idea of family, but that's not the family you have. I think you have to accept that this was only ever just a fantasy, and focus on your real life. You and your sister don't like each other--you don't like her, you like the idea of a close sibling relationship. But that will not happen in the absence of genuine liking. She thinks that 4x a year at birthdays and holidays is plenty. Do you really want to spend your time with people you don't like, just because you're related? Do you really think that this would make you happier?

If your kids are still little, it's possible that they will want more time with their cousins as they get older, so the dynamic might change. But it won't change just because you live closer to each other and so suddenly became the friends you never were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good God, you are needy and exhausting.

Cut it out with the nastiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

Pp, do your older sister a favor and tell her these specific things BEFORE she moves close to you.

I have told her to be realistic about her expectations (and traffic!), but the specifics are my own examples of some things I think she thinks. I'm not a mind reader. She's an adult. If she has expectations from other people, she needs to articulate them. Adults don't assume other adults will just fulfill what's lacking in their lives (actual, real emergencies are different, of course).

Wow, you suck.

I'm so lucky in that my sisters are kind and thoughtful and will help me out if I have to work late, because it's what family does.

[Anonymous]

It's unrealistic to expect a person who is working 60 hours a week, has a home and family of their own to take care of to routinely section off a part of their weekend, every weekend, to get together with you.

Your sister probably spent a few hours of her time with neighbors and friends because those are the people who help her out when she needs a kid picked up/dropped off at school and the kids run between each others houses. It's not that she does not value family, she is simply busy and there are only so many hours in the day.

[Anonymous]

If you come across as overly demanding and inconsiderate of your sister's time, that might be why she is holding you at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP My older sister is considering "moving back" and I feel like she has expectations similar to yours, and has this longing to "be a family again." I remind her to please be realistic of her expectations. And I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her life that she thinks will be fixed by relocating and "going back to family."

I'm not going to want to hang out with her all the time. I'm not going to drive 45+ minutes in 3pm traffic to pick up my 12 year old niece because you have to work late. I don't want you to join my friends circle, but I will support and encourage you to get out there and find your own circle.

We've all grown and evolved in our own ways, and developed our own identities and needs. It doesn't mean my sister (or your sister, OP) are bad people - but you cannot expect her to fulfill what's missing in your life (sense of belonging, an idyllic sibling relationship where you're besties). What's missing from your life is *not* her responsibility - it's yours. It is an unfair burden to place your expectations on someone else.

Cultivate your own life - you'll probably still see each other sometimes, but on a less dependent basis.

Pp, do your older sister a favor and tell her these specific things BEFORE she moves close to you.

I have told her to be realistic about her expectations (and traffic!), but the specifics are my own examples of some things I think she thinks. I'm not a mind reader. She's an adult. If she has expectations from other people, she needs to articulate them. Adults don't assume other adults will just fulfill what's lacking in their lives (actual, real emergencies are different, of course).

Wow, you suck.

I'm so lucky in that my sisters are kind and thoughtful and will help me out if I have to work late, because it's what family does.

Wow, your sisters live 20 miles down 66 and will pay a $20 toll at rush hour, and drop everything for that? Your sisters are saints!

[Anonymous]

I have brothers (5) so actually getting them to get together and their wives wanting anything to do with me was NOT going to happen.

I picked 2 events a year that I invited them; that seemed reasonable.

New Years Day and Labor Day.

Eventually it ended up just being my friends and they would show up sometimes.

I also had 1 or 2 events a year that were "just cousins"... at Xmas time it was bowling and in the summer it was hiking/rock climbing/kayaking (as they got older it got more advanced).

The cousins gatherings are far and wide a better event, no adults with their own issues... kids just having fun. You could do pumpkin patch or easter egg dying or cookie making.. whatever works. Also... you SIL and brother get a day off... even pick up the kids. Try to do the same think yearly ... build memories.

The cousins (there are 17 now) still remember these events and some cousins are close because of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've got a lot of unrealistic expectations here. Your sister *was* busy this weekend - she apparently had plans with neighbors. Of course you weren't invited - they have a group of friends, and you aren't automatically in it because you are related to the group. You admit you aren't close, you haven't been close, you don't have much, if anything in common, and you don't really like each other. Given all that, why on earth would you expect to be included when she is getting together with her friends?

Moreover, if she works 60 hours a week, she's got limited time to do errands, etc., on the weekends. Based on your description of your relationship, why would you think she would prioritize you?

Finally, if you are getting your idea of how a family should act from TV shows, that says a lot about your connection with reality.

OP here. She always has plans with the neighbors. Not really plans, they are just always together. It wasn't a special thing. They see the neighbor kids many, many times a week. I was trying to get the cousins together for a couple hours on weekend. I said anytime, really. She said she had plans at her work. I offered many options and times, and she said no. Next thing I know she is sending loads of photos of them playing with the neighbors. We live 35 minutes away. It hurts to not have been included. My kids could have easily joined in.

I'm not asking to be a priority. We are far from that. I was just thinking we'd see each other more than birthdays and Christmas. It would be nice to be considered as someone to spend time with. not prioritized.

Here’s the flip side, OP. We have neighbors like this. Their IL’s and kids are always joining us for block parties and such. I don’t know them well, and when we are having a BLOCK PARTY (you know, for those who live ON THE BLOCK), why are your IL’s here?? I would be annoyed if I was your sisters neighbors and you were showing up with your kids to join in. They have a dynamic that they obviously love and are comfortable with. You can’t just crash that to fulfill your fantasy of family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have also had to accept that I will never have that kind of a family. My parents are divorced, my mother and I have a strained relationship, and my brother is dead. I am close with my dad and I work to foster that relationship and spend time with him, but our nuclear family is non-existent. As others have said, I have made my own family from friends. Sure, I have pangs when I see people with the "perfect" nuclear family, but I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and great kids and they have a super grandpa and a wonderful grandmother (my MIL), and fantastic friends who love them. I'm not saying you have to dismiss your feelings, because they're valid, but try to focus on what you do have and be thankful for that. And perhaps over time your relationship with your sister will change.