accepting that sister doesn't like me and we will never be a "family"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are me. I was in the same boat as you. It took a while but I made peace with it. I love my sister, but we would never be friends if we weren't related. It hurts so much because you are feeling rejected, but know that it is her personality. If she is like my sister, she has been this way her whole life. Just keep reminding yourself that she we probably be there for you in an emergency, but she won't be your friend. I wish I could give better advice than this, but you can only change you and your reaction to others...you can't change them.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You've never been close. Why would you expect a relationship now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op please listen to my take. I have a sister who also stays at home and has similar age kids...she too lives about a half hour away. She really under estimates how limited my time is. I get home at 5, we have religious school one evening a week, each kid (3) has a sport/dance another weeknight and then we have weekend games. So on my best weeks I have extra curriculars 4 times a week and 2-3 times per weekend. That doesn't include my middle son who also does after school tutoring twice a week. If I am hanging out with my neighbors on Saturday evening its because we all just got home after a long day running in-between soccer fields and we threw some hot dogs on the grill. By the time I grab my phone to text you to come over the entire event would be almost over. Its literally just playing with the neighbors while we grill dinner..nothing more. Also beyond my kids schedules I have to cook, pick up dry cleaning, try and date my husband occasionally, work out 3 times a week is my goal but it ends up being twice a week most weeks. Don't get my started on hair cuts...its a shit show the week my kids all end up needing hair cuts. I don't want to make this a stay at home debate but I think its hard for moms who don't work to really understand what our lives our like. My sister also has an urge to "get out of the house" (she usually that phrase all the time) and I honestly that the opposite urge...to get back home!

DP here with a similar schedule and I get it. However, if it were actually a priority, sister could have invited OP and her family over to just generally hang out. It doesn't have to be some big thing. If you are grilling dinner and eating dinner, you can do that with family if you are so inclined. The fact that OP's sister is not so inclined is what is apparent.

We have friends whom we rarely see because for them everything has to be some big planned event and it's hard for us to do that frequently. We have others we see all the time because they are fine with just coming over for a couple hours if we all have some free time, or saying "hey, why not bring the kids back to our place for dinner after Hebrew school" or whatever. If OP's sister wanted to see OP, she could simply say "hey, why not come over on Saturday and we'll all hang out, or you can stay with all the kids so they can play while I run errands, and then we'll grill." But she doesn't want to see OP (which is her prerogative, of course) and so she has time for everyone else but not OP.

OP here and this is exactly it. I'm learning how to come to terms with it. It hurts, of course. No matter the nuances of our past and my attitude and whatever, it hurts when you come to terms with the fact that your family member doesn't like you or want to see you. No matter how that came to be.

(adding, we do not need to be a priority. We'd just like to see them, NOT for a big party or big event. We'd like to hang out, casually, whenever. I love her children and it'd be nice to have a relationship with them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

How could you possibly know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

How could you possibly know that?

Because they are always there. She sends photos every day with the neighbor kids. They are all always back and forth between houses. She talks about it all the time, how the kids come and go from all the houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

[Anonymous]

OP, my sibling and spouse are like this too...always "too busy." I took their statement at face value for years, until we moved to the area and they discovered social media. Now I know they are "too busy" socializing with their friends and we are rarely included--to the point that one of their friends will ask me, on the twice or so a year we see them, "why weren't you at your siblings party?" Um, we weren't invited?

It makes me sad, but I am in the process of making peace with the situation myself. I've been the family outs for a while, as my family goes between making someone a golden child to blacksheep and then reversing.

Still love my sibling, but we have different personalities and different priorities. The big happy family is not going to happen for me, and I've been in therapy dealing with that and other issues, and trying to be grateful and happy for what I do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sibling and spouse are like this too...always "too busy." I took their statement at face value for years, until we moved to the area and they discovered social media. Now I know they are "too busy" socializing with their friends and we are rarely included--to the point that one of their friends will ask me, on the twice or so a year we see them, "why weren't you at your siblings party?" Um, we weren't invited?

It makes me sad, but I am in the process of making peace with the situation myself. I've been the family outs for a while, as my family goes between making someone a golden child to blacksheep and then reversing.

Still love my sibling, but we have different personalities and different priorities. The big happy family is not going to happen for me, and I've been in therapy dealing with that and other issues, and trying to be grateful and happy for what I do have.

THANK YOU! This sounds like us. We are invited to parties, though, so that's good. I know now that "busy" means "we don't want to spend time with you." It used to REALLY bother me, but after last weekend I am almost at peace with it. We are so fortunate to have incredible friends and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

If you have never had neighbors like this it’s hard to understand. It’s different from “hosting.”
How could you possibly know that?

Because they are always there. She sends photos every day with the neighbor kids. They are all always back and forth between houses. She talks about it all the time, how the kids come and go from all the houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

You must not have neighbors/friends like this OP. It’s super informal and nothing like hosting.

[Anonymous]

If you were never close as children why would you expect your sister to behave differently now? She is living her own life and not moping that she isn't part of yours. Take a hint from her. Don't blame your sister for your own unrealistic expectations.