DH simply doesn’t respond when I talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Ummm..... yelling at someone from another floor is super rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Op here. Agggg. Yes!

I do note all the comments I’ve received that there might be a genuine hearing issue here or something like ADHD/autism going on. It’s not that I disagree. I think those could be factors.

At the same time, I read the example above, which has also happened to me and it’s very hard for me to see anything other than passive aggression.

NP. My DH does this sometimes too (the mailing the letter convo). Our relationship has improved dramatically with counseling and less stress, and now I follow up with him saying "I HEARD you!" with a semi-sarcastic-semi-sweet "Oh, I see, I must have missed your response to my first question. Thanks!"

He's getting better, but I've told him a million times how aggravating it is to get no answer to a question. In our case, it's a respect issue- I've told him how disrespectful it is for him to just ignore me, and now he's gotten better, because he wasn't trying to be disrespectful. Plus, I've intentionally ignored him a few times to show him how it feels, and that hit home. Did I mention we also went to counseling? Our relationship really improved with several months of weekly therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in grad school, I did a research study in linguistics. You see, women often offer (especially to other women) something called "minimal response" when they are talking with each other. This is essentially a way for women to sort of say "yes, I'm listening to what you're saying" and it often looks like "uh huh....wow....oh yeah?....hmmm.....interesting..." etc.

Men do not really do this, according to research. Similarly, as a way to signifigy dominance, men interrupt more than women.

In my study, I looked at two lesbian couples and had them take surveys on who identified as the most "masculine" based on their survey responses and contextualized in the realm of stereotyped gendered behavior.

Not surprisingly, the partner who identified as more "masculine" interrupted more, both in regular conversation in their own home, and in interviews with me.

This is all to say - no, you're not going crazy. Women and men often communicate differently.

Deborah tannen’s books - “That’s not what i meantl and “You just don't understand me” both talk about conversational styles and relationships and communication between men and women. I believe her research also shows differences in conversational styles and norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Ummm..... yelling at someone from another floor is super rude!

DP. Oh please. If I'm just out of the shower and he's walking out the door to work, and I need him to do something quickly, I don't have time to get dressed and run downstairs before he walks out. He'd be long gone! It's not rude unless that's the only way you talk with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say this even though it won't be popular. I realize it's stereotyping and it's not true in every case but, women talk a lot more than men.

When we are in the dating phase, there are nerves and passion in play and people are sometimes afraid to say the wrong thing, so the gap isn't as noticeable. When you get comfortable and are married, guys tend to be "a little talked out" and women tend to fill silence with words. Much like sex becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for the woman as some marriages age, conversation becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for men.

I think it may be a woman's willingness to discuss even the most inane topic and dis issue to death. My wife struggles with an economy of words when she speaks. She's great when she writes. Even the simplest statements that could be understood by anyone are accompanied by a 5 minute explanation of why. Over time, it wears on you.

I'm sure my husband thinks I talk to much. But it is just rude to not acknowledge someone at all. And even he knows this. OP's husband could have responded, 'i'm good with baby, have fun' and that would have been the end of it. Or even, 'cool, have fun'.

I make decisions all the time that I don't consult him on, but sometimes you just want to talk to the person you chose to spend your life with and who chose to spend it with you. It is depressing to try to make a little conversation and be completely ignored. If your boss was trying to make conversation, you'd chime in, why not with your spouse?

You chose to marry someone who likes to chat, so don't blatantly ignore them when they say something.

Our family is the flip. I (DH) come from an ethnic family that gets together and everyone talks over each other and we have six conversations going on at the same time and the same story will get retold 3-4 times as it makes its way around the group. My wife comes from a family that is quieter and more reticent. They talk very minimally and usually only when they have something constructive to say/discuss and rarely "just make conversation".

I've found over the years (we've been married 17 years and together for 20) that it works better when I talk less. So, I usually limit "just making conversation" to times like dinner or when we are in the car together, or when we specifically sit down just to talk and catch up on the day. Outside of those periods, I usually only say things that require her attention or opinion and when I do, I try to make it more succinct. The conversation stub OP presented would drive my wife nuts and she would also shut down like OP's husband does, if that happened more than once a day. So, if I were to have OP's sample conversation, it would be:

Me: I'm going to take the kids to the playground before dinner. Are you coming?
DW: Silence.
Me: Okay, we'll try to be back by X:00.

And then when I'm at the playground, about 10 minutes before we head home, I'll send a text saying "Home in 15 minutes. Let's do X for dinner."

[Anonymous]

Married to a former Marine and engineer. Short, concrete, and actionable gets a response 99.9% of the time.

[Anonymous]

he sounds like an ass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

But he's an adult. With a wife and children. He's not "watching the baby". He's PARENTING HIS CHILD. And again, he's an adult. So he should have no problem figuring out dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

NP, same issues. What you posters don't understand is that OP is not seeking permission to do an activity. She's trying to make plans for the family. If she takes the older kid to the park, will DH watch the baby? If not, she needs to prep both kids for the park. My husband does this ALL.THE.TIME. because he'd rather me handle all the parenting work.

So OP could decide for herself that she'll go to the park with the two kids (bc DH isn't communicating his own plans) and then she has to do all of the work and DH gets a few hours to himself.

This adds up too - so if the DW ends up making all the decisions (bc DH won't communicate), then DW is cast as a controlling harpy that won't let her DH have a say in anything.

Ugh this thread is hitting too close to home.

We understand. This is when OP waltzes out with the older kid and tells DH that she and Larlo will be back in an hour. Larla is upstairs napping and he needs to get the chicken in the oven while they are gone.

Op here. I’m not sure I’m following. I could have just made an announcement to DH and left, but I would still need him to respond and say something so I could be reassured that he understands he’s on baby duty and that I have the other kid.

This conversation wasn’t me just trying to chit chat with my DH. I want our marriage to be a democracy and for him to have a voice. This was Sunday afternoon and it’s his weekend too-I wanted his input. Even if his answer was that he didn’t care, or that he thought it would be better not to go, etc.

We both work during the week so weekends are precious to us both and there’s never enough time.

You sound exhausting. I'm the PP that said I finally just had to tell my DH that I just didn't want to discuss everything. Your DH probably wants to say the same, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Hear me please - you do not have to discuss everything. Your DH is showing you he isn't interested in discussing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

But he's an adult. With a wife and children. He's not "watching the baby". He's PARENTING HIS CHILD. And again, he's an adult. So he should have no problem figuring out dinner.

He's parenting his child, but that involves, you know, making actual, joint decisions about who's taking care of the child and what's going to be eaten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

But he's an adult. With a wife and children. He's not "watching the baby". He's PARENTING HIS CHILD. And again, he's an adult. So he should have no problem figuring out dinner.

+1000

Even if dinner is an omelette and toast. All of the hand wringing about mundane, every day stuff would drive me batty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

NP, same issues. What you posters don't understand is that OP is not seeking permission to do an activity. She's trying to make plans for the family. If she takes the older kid to the park, will DH watch the baby? If not, she needs to prep both kids for the park. My husband does this ALL.THE.TIME. because he'd rather me handle all the parenting work.

So OP could decide for herself that she'll go to the park with the two kids (bc DH isn't communicating his own plans) and then she has to do all of the work and DH gets a few hours to himself.

This adds up too - so if the DW ends up making all the decisions (bc DH won't communicate), then DW is cast as a controlling harpy that won't let her DH have a say in anything.

Ugh this thread is hitting too close to home.

We understand. This is when OP waltzes out with the older kid and tells DH that she and Larlo will be back in an hour. Larla is upstairs napping and he needs to get the chicken in the oven while they are gone.

Op here. I’m not sure I’m following. I could have just made an announcement to DH and left, but I would still need him to respond and say something so I could be reassured that he understands he’s on baby duty and that I have the other kid.

This conversation wasn’t me just trying to chit chat with my DH. I want our marriage to be a democracy and for him to have a voice. This was Sunday afternoon and it’s his weekend too-I wanted his input. Even if his answer was that he didn’t care, or that he thought it would be better not to go, etc.

We both work during the week so weekends are precious to us both and there’s never enough time.

You sound exhausting. I'm the PP that said I finally just had to tell my DH that I just didn't want to discuss everything. Your DH probably wants to say the same, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Hear me please - you do not have to discuss everything. Your DH is showing you he isn't interested in discussing everything.

So you think a route to a happy marriage is one party just unilaterally making all the childcare and other household arrangements? Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

But he's an adult. With a wife and children. He's not "watching the baby". He's PARENTING HIS CHILD. And again, he's an adult. So he should have no problem figuring out dinner.

He's parenting his child, but that involves, you know, making actual, joint decisions about who's taking care of the child and what's going to be eaten.

This is where you all are going wrong. You don't need to make mutual decisions about dinner. The person cooking dinner decides what is for dinner. Geesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

NP, same issues. What you posters don't understand is that OP is not seeking permission to do an activity. She's trying to make plans for the family. If she takes the older kid to the park, will DH watch the baby? If not, she needs to prep both kids for the park. My husband does this ALL.THE.TIME. because he'd rather me handle all the parenting work.

So OP could decide for herself that she'll go to the park with the two kids (bc DH isn't communicating his own plans) and then she has to do all of the work and DH gets a few hours to himself.

This adds up too - so if the DW ends up making all the decisions (bc DH won't communicate), then DW is cast as a controlling harpy that won't let her DH have a say in anything.

Ugh this thread is hitting too close to home.

We understand. This is when OP waltzes out with the older kid and tells DH that she and Larlo will be back in an hour. Larla is upstairs napping and he needs to get the chicken in the oven while they are gone.

Op here. I’m not sure I’m following. I could have just made an announcement to DH and left, but I would still need him to respond and say something so I could be reassured that he understands he’s on baby duty and that I have the other kid.

This conversation wasn’t me just trying to chit chat with my DH. I want our marriage to be a democracy and for him to have a voice. This was Sunday afternoon and it’s his weekend too-I wanted his input. Even if his answer was that he didn’t care, or that he thought it would be better not to go, etc.

We both work during the week so weekends are precious to us both and there’s never enough time.

You sound exhausting. I'm the PP that said I finally just had to tell my DH that I just didn't want to discuss everything. Your DH probably wants to say the same, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Hear me please - you do not have to discuss everything. Your DH is showing you he isn't interested in discussing everything.

So you think a route to a happy marriage is one party just unilaterally making all the childcare and other household arrangements? Ok.

No. What I said clearly was that I had no desire to discuss everything. I didn't say I didn't want to discuss anything. Clearly, OP and her DH have different ideas of what needs to be discussed. Everyone has things they believe are important. When those things match up, you discuss. When they don't, the person who thinks it's important makes the decision. Obviously, you have to trust that your spouse wouldn't make a decision that would be detrimental to do this.

Some things we discuss: where to send the kids to school, summer camp, finances
Some things we don't: what TV to purchase (DH deals with this), who is taking the kids outside to play (both of us do this - sometimes the other gets an invitation, sometimes they don't), dinner (this is mainly me - I will occasionally ask what someone in the house wants for dinner if I am in a rut)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

But he's an adult. With a wife and children. He's not "watching the baby". He's PARENTING HIS CHILD. And again, he's an adult. So he should have no problem figuring out dinner.

He's parenting his child, but that involves, you know, making actual, joint decisions about who's taking care of the child and what's going to be eaten.

This is where you all are going wrong. You don't need to make mutual decisions about dinner. The person cooking dinner decides what is for dinner. Geesh.

I feel like you guys are being ridiculous. I'm a PP with a husband who is quiet and non-responsive sometimes. If I'm leaving the house during a mealtime I have a conversation with him about what to do because I do all the food. My husband does all the laundry so its egalitarian but I do the food, I cook dinner every day and I plan meals and structure the week. So if I'm leaving with the toddler at 5 for an hour and he needs to make dinner then having a short efficient conversation establishing what I'm doing and what he will need to do if he wants himself and the children to eat on time is critical. I would also never leave the house leaving him with the baby without making he knows I'm doing that. And he'd be annoyed if I did that.

OP's conversation is just basic, 'what's the plan' conversation. How on earth do you people stay married? Figuring out how to exercise children and make dinner is so onerous a conversation, how do you all keep up with each other at all?

I do no chat aimlessly with my husband. But I do care if he just straight up ignores that I'm talking. I care more because I have altered my baseline chattiness to be more in line with his more reserved introverted self. I met him halfway. Like another PP said, not answering is turning away from an opportunity to connect to your spouse. If you want a healthy marriage, then acknowledging your spouse as a human being seems like a pretty baseline place to start.