DH simply doesn’t respond when I talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Op here. Agggg. Yes!

I do note all the comments I’ve received that there might be a genuine hearing issue here or something like ADHD/autism going on. It’s not that I disagree. I think those could be factors.

At the same time, I read the example above, which has also happened to me and it’s very hard for me to see anything other than passive aggression.

It is passive aggression rooted in frustration.
Your husbands are irritable from constantly being "on call" and could benefit immensely from some alone time away from the day-to-day grind of mundane correspondence and bothersome exchanges.
Plain and simply put the guys need a break.

I hope you're joking.
But in case you're not - too bad. Every parent needs a break. But one parent doesn't get to take regular breaks at the expense of the other person. And this is an example of doing just that - punting the mental load to the other person. It's been pretty well documented, here and in studies, that women are unfairly burdened with the mental load of managing children and the household and very rarely get anything resembling a break. The fact that you think men are "on call" more than women is actually quite laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Op here. Agggg. Yes!

I do note all the comments I’ve received that there might be a genuine hearing issue here or something like ADHD/autism going on. It’s not that I disagree. I think those could be factors.

At the same time, I read the example above, which has also happened to me and it’s very hard for me to see anything other than passive aggression.

It is passive aggression rooted in frustration.
Your husbands are irritable from constantly being "on call" and could benefit immensely from some alone time away from the day-to-day grind of mundane correspondence and bothersome exchanges.
Plain and simply put the guys need a break.

I hope you're joking.
But in case you're not - too bad. Every parent needs a break. But one parent doesn't get to take regular breaks at the expense of the other person. And this is an example of doing just that - punting the mental load to the other person. It's been pretty well documented, here and in studies, that women are unfairly burdened with the mental load of managing children and the household and very rarely get anything resembling a break. The fact that you think men are "on call" more than women is actually quite laughable.

Yes. And guess what - if he needs a break, then it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to identify that and ASK for it. Not just act like a sullen teenager so his wife will leave him alone (so he gets the break through passive aggression.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

But he's an adult. With a wife and children. He's not "watching the baby". He's PARENTING HIS CHILD. And again, he's an adult. So he should have no problem figuring out dinner.

He's parenting his child, but that involves, you know, making actual, joint decisions about who's taking care of the child and what's going to be eaten.

This is where you all are going wrong. You don't need to make mutual decisions about dinner. The person cooking dinner decides what is for dinner. Geesh.

You ... have to decide who is cooking dinner. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

NP, same issues. What you posters don't understand is that OP is not seeking permission to do an activity. She's trying to make plans for the family. If she takes the older kid to the park, will DH watch the baby? If not, she needs to prep both kids for the park. My husband does this ALL.THE.TIME. because he'd rather me handle all the parenting work.

So OP could decide for herself that she'll go to the park with the two kids (bc DH isn't communicating his own plans) and then she has to do all of the work and DH gets a few hours to himself.

This adds up too - so if the DW ends up making all the decisions (bc DH won't communicate), then DW is cast as a controlling harpy that won't let her DH have a say in anything.

Ugh this thread is hitting too close to home.

We understand. This is when OP waltzes out with the older kid and tells DH that she and Larlo will be back in an hour. Larla is upstairs napping and he needs to get the chicken in the oven while they are gone.

Op here. I’m not sure I’m following. I could have just made an announcement to DH and left, but I would still need him to respond and say something so I could be reassured that he understands he’s on baby duty and that I have the other kid.

This conversation wasn’t me just trying to chit chat with my DH. I want our marriage to be a democracy and for him to have a voice. This was Sunday afternoon and it’s his weekend too-I wanted his input. Even if his answer was that he didn’t care, or that he thought it would be better not to go, etc.

We both work during the week so weekends are precious to us both and there’s never enough time.

You sound exhausting. I'm the PP that said I finally just had to tell my DH that I just didn't want to discuss everything. Your DH probably wants to say the same, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Hear me please - you do not have to discuss everything. Your DH is showing you he isn't interested in discussing everything.

So you think a route to a happy marriage is one party just unilaterally making all the childcare and other household arrangements? Ok.

No. What I said clearly was that I had no desire to discuss everything. I didn't say I didn't want to discuss anything. Clearly, OP and her DH have different ideas of what needs to be discussed. Everyone has things they believe are important. When those things match up, you discuss. When they don't, the person who thinks it's important makes the decision. Obviously, you have to trust that your spouse wouldn't make a decision that would be detrimental to do this.

Some things we discuss: where to send the kids to school, summer camp, finances
Some things we don't: what TV to purchase (DH deals with this), who is taking the kids outside to play (both of us do this - sometimes the other gets an invitation, sometimes they don't), dinner (this is mainly me - I will occasionally ask what someone in the house wants for dinner if I am in a rut)

So you make these decisions psychically or something? You're really not being helpful, for all your claims to be giving communication advice. We're talking day to day administration of household stuff -- unless it's just assumed one spouse will to everything of a certain task (which ha ha will always be Mom, right) then you have to actually discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FLIPSIDE

DH: I'm thinking maybe the Brewers should go after Craig Kimbrel he's a pretty good closer.
OP: silence
DH: What do you think?
OP: silence
DH: Honey - did you hear me? Should Milwaukee go after Craig Kimbrel since Corey Knebel is gonna need season-ending Tommy John surgery?
OP: silence
DH: (grouchy now) Honey? Are you listening? What do you think?
OP: OK
DH: What does that mean? Yes or no? Should they go after Craig Kimbrel? Or do you think they'll be okay with just Josh Hader?

I love this

OP, you probably just talk too much all the time and he’s exhausted.

That's so completely sexist. OP is trying to make PRACTICAL ARRANGEMENTS for childcare, and her DH is ignoring her. That's not "talking too much," but nice job with the sexist tropes.

Nothing from the initial conversation that OP posted stands out to me as making practical arrangements for childcare.

Billy is sleeping and I want to get Sally to the park for some fresh air and exercise before dinner. Do you want to stay home with Billy or should we wake him up and all go together?
DH: silence
I'll take that to mean you are staying home with Billy. He is asleep in the pack and play. Needs to be fed in about 30 minutes.
See ya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

That isn't what you asked him in your conversation.

[Anonymous]

OK Communication 101 is about 2 or more people listening and speaking. Maybe a basic course is in order. Have you discussed this with your DH in a non threatening manner and asked for his insight on what is going on. I am thinking also there may be other areas that could use some help so that this marriage can be beautiful, as marriage is intended. I suggest that you call this number 1-855-382-5433 and share your frustration with these folks. I am sure they will have a recommendation and maybe some advice. I suggest you might also want to think about how you and your DH relate on other areas of your relationship and how do you and he show respect for one another. This sounds like something that is fixable. I am praying for you that you will find the fullness of all God intended for your marriage relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have his hearing checked

This is untreated adult ADHD Inattentive. He might even have the hyperactive part if he paces around, doesn’t sleep well, wakes up early to do nothing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Op here. Agggg. Yes!

I do note all the comments I’ve received that there might be a genuine hearing issue here or something like ADHD/autism going on. It’s not that I disagree. I think those could be factors.

At the same time, I read the example above, which has also happened to me and it’s very hard for me to see anything other than passive aggression.

It is passive aggression rooted in frustration.
Your husbands are irritable from constantly being "on call" and could benefit immensely from some alone time away from the day-to-day grind of mundane correspondence and bothersome exchanges.
Plain and simply put the guys need a break.

I hope you're joking.
But in case you're not - too bad. Every parent needs a break. But one parent doesn't get to take regular breaks at the expense of the other person. And this is an example of doing just that - punting the mental load to the other person. It's been pretty well documented, here and in studies, that women are unfairly burdened with the mental load of managing children and the household and very rarely get anything resembling a break. The fact that you think men are "on call" more than women is actually quite laughable.

Note like he needs to STEP UP and start getting things done in his house. Have some pride.
His expectations were WAY off if he thought being a real adult was easy. And even more off if he thought being an adult with a spouse, a house, a job and kids was easy. It’s like he thinks his mom, secreatary and maid should follow him around 24/7! Only if he’s making $5M+ gross a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
FLIPSIDE

DH: I'm thinking maybe the Brewers should go after Craig Kimbrel he's a pretty good closer.
OP: silence
DH: What do you think?
OP: silence
DH: Honey - did you hear me? Should Milwaukee go after Craig Kimbrel since Corey Knebel is gonna need season-ending Tommy John surgery?
OP: silence
DH: (grouchy now) Honey? Are you listening? What do you think?
OP: OK
DH: What does that mean? Yes or no? Should they go after Craig Kimbrel? Or do you think they'll be okay with just Josh Hader?

So, if my husband started talking about sports to me like that, I'd respond with..."whats a closer?" pr I'd ask what kind of knee surgery. etc. Just because I dont know about the subject matter, I would not ignore my husband's attempt to make conversation--whether its casual conversation about something that interests him, or necessary logistical conversation about the household. I definitely would not ignore direct questions addressed at me--that would either be a medical issue or inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our conversations look like this:

Me: Im thinking maybe we should go to the playground before dinner so DS can play.
DH: silence
Me: what do you think?
DH: silence
Me: Honey-did you hear me? Should we go to the park? Do you think we have time?
DH: silence
Me: (grouchy now) DH? Are you listening? What do you think? I’m going to take DS to the park. Are you coming?
DH: OK
Me: what does that mean? Yes or no? Should I just go with DS by myself? Or do you want to join us?

It’s maddening. This happens many times per week. Is there a diagnosis here or something? I find it extraordinarily rude but I don’t think he intends it that way. It’s not the silent treatment-he doesn’t seem obviously angry at me. I’ve tried asking him about it and told him how it makes me feel and it doesn’t feel like I’m gettinf through.

My husband is like this. Found out after 14 years of frustration that he has Aspergers. Knowing that helps me understand our dynamics better, but doesn’t cure its effects on me. Read up on it, see if you (and he) think it applies in his case.

[Anonymous]

My husband is often like this (unresponsive or slow to respond). It was maddening when the kids were little, less so now.

The thing you really need to sort out is whether his unresponsiveness in the moment is based in communication issues (my husband finds it difficult to disengage from what he's doing when I address him in order to pay attention to what I'm asking), or disrespect. I never really doubted that my husband respected me -- I was just frustrated with his lack of responsiveness.

Again, when the kids were little sometimes I really needed a quick answer from him -- like OP's situation heading out the door. Now, if he misses dinner because he wasn't paying attention when I said it was ready, it's not the end of the world. He's also willing to be patronized a little, so if it's really important and I'm not sure he heard me, I will go right up to him and ask him if he got what I said.

OP, I suggest that you work out a cue for your husband so that he knows when he really needs to tune in to what you're saying. Use it only when you have to.

[Anonymous]

I think that you need to realize that a partner's desire to listen to another partner wanes over time.

You have no right to demand that he listen to you when he doesn't feel like doing so and no right to complain about this natural progression in your marriage.

Even though being listened to might be a core part of your romantic relationship, you must accept passively that he won't do so and never ever seek out anyone else to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say this even though it won't be popular. I realize it's stereotyping and it's not true in every case but, women talk a lot more than men.

When we are in the dating phase, there are nerves and passion in play and people are sometimes afraid to say the wrong thing, so the gap isn't as noticeable. When you get comfortable and are married, guys tend to be "a little talked out" and women tend to fill silence with words. Much like sex becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for the woman as some marriages age, conversation becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for men.

I think it may be a woman's willingness to discuss even the most inane topic and dis issue to death. My wife struggles with an economy of words when she speaks. She's great when she writes. Even the simplest statements that could be understood by anyone are accompanied by a 5 minute explanation of why. Over time, it wears on you.

I totally agree with this, and I am a woman. SOME women have the tendency to require collaboration on insignificant plans. If you frequently ask for feedback on mundane decisions, there is a good chance people start tuning out.

[Anonymous]

^ this