husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.

I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.

There was another incident, a few months ago, where he handled our 3 y/o roughly. I got upset, my husband said I was being crazy, but he eventually apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. A family friend saw it. She is a mandated reporter. I don't know if she reported it.

The cop who took my statement asked for my kids' names, ages, birthdates. As that was happening I realized that CPS could be called, and I didn't want to risk the kids being taken away. So I said I did not think that they were not in physical danger, but that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

My husband himself told the cops that I provoked him by waking him up and putting the baby on the bed. He told them I was trying to provoke him to do something bad. He told them about past episodes of what I considered to be violence (smashing a bowl, throwing my things out of the house).

I was exhausted, holding a crying baby, barely dressed, and didn't have my glasses on. I tried to keep it together, spoke calmly and rationally, but unfortunately I think my husband came off much better than I did. They did not encourage me to get somewhere safe. They told me to go to counseling with him, and I explained that's not recommended in situations of abuse, but they kept suggesting it. They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse).

I think cameras are a good idea, but of course if he has control of them there's no reason to think he wouldn't delete anything that incriminates him, so obviously I'd need to have my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's take a step back for a quick minute.

Can we all agree that this isn't about the one night feeding? No one calls the cops about a single night feeding. There is an underlying issue here, probably multiple. Yes, DH was a jerk and pulled an insane move to call the cops. No doubt about that. But what has been happening in the months/years prior to this incident?

Call me whatever name you want but an unprovoked call to the cops doesn't sound like it's all one sided where DH is at fault for everything under the sun. I don't want to victim blame and I'm not doing that but I just want to know more about what the underlying relationship was all about and how it was going before this incident.

Isn't anyone else curious about the length of the relationship, how DH has treated DW before they had kids, how old both parties are, what cultures they come from, etc? How is it that DCUM automatically jumps to, this marriage can't be save, counseling doesn't work for DH, and get a divorce?

Sounds like both parties are somewhat at fault in the relationship but in this specific incident, DH went way too far in calling the cops.

My point being- so that he would look good and she would look bad. He knows exactly what he's doing.

NP. There are always two sides but what strikes me about OP's story and makes me side with her is that the DH refused to help the baby. Obviously he was doing it to spite her, but decent people who truly have their children's best interests at heart, wouldn't do that no matter how they were feeling toward their spouse/partner in the moment. He could've helped the baby and THEN called the cops if there was a concern about how things would go with the OP - although if that was the case, why would he continue to bring the baby back to OP if he thought she was going to fly off the handle or do something?

This sounds like a man who has no regard for his own child's well-being and who is more concerned about positioning himself to be the blameless party and making OP look bad for whatever reason.

There are not two sides. This man is threatening violence against this woman. This has nothing to do with the baby or anything else.

He called the cops to intimidate her. He immediately straightened up and seemed calm and rational. I'm going to make a good guess that (tired, sleep deprived, abused, and distraught) OP was a little less calm and rational than he.

What?? Of course this had to do with the baby and whatever other issues had been going on up to this point. I also made the point of saying that he called the cops to make OP look bad. I just wonder what's been going on in their marriage that this is the result? That does not mean that OP did anything to provoke it, of course. The point being is that it's obviously not a healthy relationship when one spouse calls the cops on the other over something like this, and OP should do whatever she has to for the sake of herself and her baby.

And calling the cops on someone is not threatening violence. It's many things, sure, but not that. In this case, I think it was calculating, manipulative and out of line for the DH to call the cops in this situation. But I didn't read anything in the OP or her subsequent posts that her DH actually threatened her with violence over the baby issue, or that he was out of control prior to calling the cops. Again, I'm not saying that OP is wrong or that the DH was justified in his actions. Between the back-and-forth with the baby and calling the cops, the man seems unhinged (and I don't say that lightly).

Do you think the OP was lying when she said he threatened violence before, or that he never fed the baby? If you don’t believe her, you don’t believe her, but if you do believe her I don’t understand why you’re splitting hairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.

I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.

There was another incident, a few months ago, where he handled our 3 y/o roughly. I got upset, my husband said I was being crazy, but he eventually apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. A family friend saw it. She is a mandated reporter. I don't know if she reported it.

The cop who took my statement asked for my kids' names, ages, birthdates. As that was happening I realized that CPS could be called, and I didn't want to risk the kids being taken away. So I said I did not think that they were not in physical danger, but that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

My husband himself told the cops that I provoked him by waking him up and putting the baby on the bed. He told them I was trying to provoke him to do something bad. He told them about past episodes of what I considered to be violence (smashing a bowl, throwing my things out of the house).

I was exhausted, holding a crying baby, barely dressed, and didn't have my glasses on. I tried to keep it together, spoke calmly and rationally, but unfortunately I think my husband came off much better than I did. They did not encourage me to get somewhere safe. They told me to go to counseling with him, and I explained that's not recommended in situations of abuse, but they kept suggesting it. They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse).

I think cameras are a good idea, but of course if he has control of them there's no reason to think he wouldn't delete anything that incriminates him, so obviously I'd need to have my own.

Does he have reason to be paranoid that you would threaten abuse in a custody situation? Have you talked about divorce before or threatened it toward him? It seems really weird that the cops would suggest HE protect himself if you feel (and expressed) that he is being abusive toward you. Anyway, I agree this goes well beyond anything that can be fixed and you two shouldn’t be together. I don’t have specific divorce attorney recommendations, sorry. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't put your baby in the hands of an angry asshole.

. This. My god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just take the kids and move with your parents OP; there is really nothing he can do. If he calls the cops on you again, have your parents there. A man calling the cops over a night time bottle feeding is not rational. If my DH tried to pull this type of crap, I would leave immediately. Are you or the husband are originally from the US? Seems over the to, if you ask me.

First of all, you would be abandoning your home and that has legal repercussions. Do NOT leave before you talk to a lawyer. Second, it is completely untrue that "there is nothing he could do." Legally, he has parental rights. He could accuse you of kidnapping the kids. More likely, he could stalk, harass, and threaten you. I'm sure this poster comes from a good place, but she doesn't have a clue about your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't put your baby in the hands of an angry asshole.

. This. My god.

Please stop blaming her.

[Anonymous]

There’s no reason to set up cameras to prove whatever. Just get separated. You don’t need to do all the crazy stuff to blame each other for it. Will he want 50/50? It’s a good thing you have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's take a step back for a quick minute.

Can we all agree that this isn't about the one night feeding? No one calls the cops about a single night feeding. There is an underlying issue here, probably multiple. Yes, DH was a jerk and pulled an insane move to call the cops. No doubt about that. But what has been happening in the months/years prior to this incident?

Call me whatever name you want but an unprovoked call to the cops doesn't sound like it's all one sided where DH is at fault for everything under the sun. I don't want to victim blame and I'm not doing that but I just want to know more about what the underlying relationship was all about and how it was going before this incident.

Isn't anyone else curious about the length of the relationship, how DH has treated DW before they had kids, how old both parties are, what cultures they come from, etc? How is it that DCUM automatically jumps to, this marriage can't be save, counseling doesn't work for DH, and get a divorce?

Sounds like both parties are somewhat at fault in the relationship but in this specific incident, DH went way too far in calling the cops.

Re-read her original post. He threatened her with violence. No, both parties are not at fault. He is at fault. He threatened her with violence.
My point was that the baby situation was almost a side issue (in terms of the relationship dichotomy with OP and husband). The husband being an abuser is the real issue.

My point being- so that he would look good and she would look bad. He knows exactly what he's doing.

NP. There are always two sides but what strikes me about OP's story and makes me side with her is that the DH refused to help the baby. Obviously he was doing it to spite her, but decent people who truly have their children's best interests at heart, wouldn't do that no matter how they were feeling toward their spouse/partner in the moment. He could've helped the baby and THEN called the cops if there was a concern about how things would go with the OP - although if that was the case, why would he continue to bring the baby back to OP if he thought she was going to fly off the handle or do something?

This sounds like a man who has no regard for his own child's well-being and who is more concerned about positioning himself to be the blameless party and making OP look bad for whatever reason.

There are not two sides. This man is threatening violence against this woman. This has nothing to do with the baby or anything else.

He called the cops to intimidate her. He immediately straightened up and seemed calm and rational. I'm going to make a good guess that (tired, sleep deprived, abused, and distraught) OP was a little less calm and rational than he.

What?? Of course this had to do with the baby and whatever other issues had been going on up to this point. I also made the point of saying that he called the cops to make OP look bad. I just wonder what's been going on in their marriage that this is the result? That does not mean that OP did anything to provoke it, of course. The point being is that it's obviously not a healthy relationship when one spouse calls the cops on the other over something like this, and OP should do whatever she has to for the sake of herself and her baby.

And calling the cops on someone is not threatening violence. It's many things, sure, but not that. In this case, I think it was calculating, manipulative and out of line for the DH to call the cops in this situation. But I didn't read anything in the OP or her subsequent posts that her DH actually threatened her with violence over the baby issue, or that he was out of control prior to calling the cops. Again, I'm not saying that OP is wrong or that the DH was justified in his actions. Between the back-and-forth with the baby and calling the cops, the man seems unhinged (and I don't say that lightly).

[Anonymous]

Get your friend to report what she saw
Keep a diary in a separate email
Setup secret cameras
Talk to lawyer
Do not ask him to do child care

[Anonymous]

Does he have reason to be paranoid that you would threaten abuse in a custody situation? Have you talked about divorce before or threatened it toward him? It seems really weird that the cops would suggest HE protect himself if you feel (and expressed) that he is being abusive toward you. Anyway, I agree this goes well beyond anything that can be fixed and you two shouldn’t be together. I don’t have specific divorce attorney recommendations, sorry. Wishing you the best.

When he was rough with our preschooler, I told him if he did anything remotely like that again I'd leave and take the kids. I've also told him *he* needs to leave if he can't get the anger and abuse under control. Other than that, I haven't threatened divorce. He's the one who brings it up occasionally, and accuses me of working behind the scenes to ensure I get full custody. Meanwhile he's been "documenting" our conversations (inaccurately). I've done nothing of the sort. I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted him to stop being abusive.

He convinced the cop he spoke with that he was the aggrieved party, so she suggested he get a camera to protect himself.

Let me amend my thought on the camera - I don't want to do the camera thing really, but if he has camera footage that shows what HE wants it to show, then I probably should too...?

[Anonymous]

Have you kept detailed notes about his abuse? Taken pictures of broken bowls or whatever you can? I agree you need to go to individual therapy. You had a second child with this man ... there is something about your dynamic with him that is clearly off and has been for a long time. Why would you put another child in danger? You need to separate from him, but also understand why you have stayed for so long.

[Anonymous]

You do not need this guy. He is a drain on you emotionally, mentally, physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no reason to set up cameras to prove whatever. Just get separated. You don’t need to do all the crazy stuff to blame each other for it. Will he want 50/50? It’s a good thing you have a job.

I mean, he'll say he wants 50/50, but I don't think he really wants to spend that much time with the kids, it'd more be so I don't "win". He can't handle doing his part with me around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't put your baby in the hands of an angry asshole.

. This. My god.

Please stop blaming her.

We aren’t blaming her. She needs to take appropriate action. While they’re busy fighting, the baby is neglected at the very least. She needs to move out or kick him out— deescalation is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no reason to set up cameras to prove whatever. Just get separated. You don’t need to do all the crazy stuff to blame each other for it. Will he want 50/50? It’s a good thing you have a job.

I mean, he'll say he wants 50/50, but I don't think he really wants to spend that much time with the kids, it'd more be so I don't "win". He can't handle doing his part with me around.

He complains endlessly about our challenging preschooler and I don't think it's sunk in that he'd have to do 50% of night wake-ups with the baby with 50% custody. But it is a game of control for him, so I would anticipate him asking for 50% (if not more).