husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer

[Anonymous]

When he was rough with our preschooler, I told him if he did anything remotely like that again I'd leave and take the kids. I've also told him *he* needs to leave if he can't get the anger and abuse under control. Other than that, I haven't threatened divorce. He's the one who brings it up occasionally, and accuses me of working behind the scenes to ensure I get full custody. Meanwhile he's been "documenting" our conversations (inaccurately). I've done nothing of the sort. I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted him to stop being abusive.

He convinced the cop he spoke with that he was the aggrieved party, so she suggested he get a camera to protect himself.

Let me amend my thought on the camera - I don't want to do the camera thing really, but if he has camera footage that shows what HE wants it to show, then I probably should too...?

Lady, he is setting you up. You need a lawyer TODAY, immediately. Get off here and get working on that.

I would do whatever I needed to do to make sure he's not alone with the kids - not just because he seems a danger to them, but he is well-aware that they are the best leverage to use against you. I hate to sound crazy town, but he sounds so plotting and manipulative that I could see him leaving with the kids.

Once you enter proceedings, try to keep all personal contact to an absolute minimum. And start marshaling trusted support. I think you are going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no reason to set up cameras to prove whatever. Just get separated. You don’t need to do all the crazy stuff to blame each other for it. Will he want 50/50? It’s a good thing you have a job.

Men like this will often argue for sole custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.

I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.

There was another incident, a few months ago, where he handled our 3 y/o roughly. I got upset, my husband said I was being crazy, but he eventually apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. A family friend saw it. She is a mandated reporter. I don't know if she reported it.

The cop who took my statement asked for my kids' names, ages, birthdates. As that was happening I realized that CPS could be called, and I didn't want to risk the kids being taken away. So I said I did not think that they were not in physical danger, but that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

My husband himself told the cops that I provoked him by waking him up and putting the baby on the bed. He told them I was trying to provoke him to do something bad. He told them about past episodes of what I considered to be violence (smashing a bowl, throwing my things out of the house).

I was exhausted, holding a crying baby, barely dressed, and didn't have my glasses on. I tried to keep it together, spoke calmly and rationally, but unfortunately I think my husband came off much better than I did. They did not encourage me to get somewhere safe. They told me to go to counseling with him, and I explained that's not recommended in situations of abuse, but they kept suggesting it. They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse).

I think cameras are a good idea, but of course if he has control of them there's no reason to think he wouldn't delete anything that incriminates him, so obviously I'd need to have my own.

"They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse)." THIS.

The cops will ALWAYS believe the husband because he ALWAYS looks like he is the calm, rational one and the wife is a mess (because he has made her a mess). Please read the book I suggested OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no reason to set up cameras to prove whatever. Just get separated. You don’t need to do all the crazy stuff to blame each other for it. Will he want 50/50? It’s a good thing you have a job.

I mean, he'll say he wants 50/50, but I don't think he really wants to spend that much time with the kids, it'd more be so I don't "win". He can't handle doing his part with me around.

Exactly. This is why he will NOT say he wants 50/50. He'll say he wants 100% custody because he wants to "win". Has nothing to do with doing his part. He will give them to his mom or whatever other woman he can rope into taking care of them. He wants to win and dominate you. There is no better way than threatening to take a woman's children away. REmember, you were the one who looked unhinged before the cops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.

I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.

There was another incident, a few months ago, where he handled our 3 y/o roughly. I got upset, my husband said I was being crazy, but he eventually apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. A family friend saw it. She is a mandated reporter. I don't know if she reported it.

The cop who took my statement asked for my kids' names, ages, birthdates. As that was happening I realized that CPS could be called, and I didn't want to risk the kids being taken away. So I said I did not think that they were not in physical danger, but that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

My husband himself told the cops that I provoked him by waking him up and putting the baby on the bed. He told them I was trying to provoke him to do something bad. He told them about past episodes of what I considered to be violence (smashing a bowl, throwing my things out of the house).

I was exhausted, holding a crying baby, barely dressed, and didn't have my glasses on. I tried to keep it together, spoke calmly and rationally, but unfortunately I think my husband came off much better than I did. They did not encourage me to get somewhere safe. They told me to go to counseling with him, and I explained that's not recommended in situations of abuse, but they kept suggesting it. They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse).

I think cameras are a good idea, but of course if he has control of them there's no reason to think he wouldn't delete anything that incriminates him, so obviously I'd need to have my own.

"They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse)." THIS.

The cops will ALWAYS believe the husband because he ALWAYS looks like he is the calm, rational one and the wife is a mess (because he has made her a mess). Please read the book I suggested OP.

I wondered if maybe the cops were just trying to deescalate the situation or placate the DH by telling him to set up cameras - as in, "ok, buddy, if you feel like you need to protect yourself, set up cameras so that we have something to go on" - rather than actually believing that HE was the one who needed help. But I don't know, maybe there is more to it as you suggest. Or maybe the cops didn't handle it well from either side. DC cops can be unhelpful like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well there is nothing to work out, contact a lawyer and follow their advice. I mean trading the child back and forth in the middle of the night like a hot potato sounds crazy. The whole thing sounds beyond repair.

OP, you need therapy as well. You don't trade your baby back and forth while both of you are angry. Once he brought the baby back to you, that should have ended the whole thing. He may be crazy, but you need some guidance as well.

Please seek help. And leave him.

[Anonymous]

Your first job is to protect your kids. Getting into a back and forth with your husband, installing cameras, trying to figure out who’s in the right, wondering if your husband is psycho—all of this is just distracting you from your primary responsibility.

Based on what you’ve said here, your kids are not safe. You need to get a lawyer and get out.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an asshole. However, all of this could have been avoided by just leaving your baby in the bed. Your baby is 10 months old, not 10 days old. The baby doesn't NEED a bottle in the middle of the night. I have no doubt your husband is a jerk, but in addition to that there is a communication and lack of problem solving issue. I wish you best of luck in getting out of this situation. Threatening physical violence is an absolute no no. You need to get out of there and into safety.

[Anonymous]

The cops are not on your side. Delete your internet history so he doesn't see what you're doing online, make sure you leave no track of what you're up to. Delete call history, get on a different plan if you must, etc. He sounds highly mentally abusive and if that's the case, you need to get out safely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take the kids and move with your parents OP; there is really nothing he can do. If he calls the cops on you again, have your parents there. A man calling the cops over a night time bottle feeding is not rational. If my DH tried to pull this type of crap, I would leave immediately. Are you or the husband are originally from the US? Seems over the to, if you ask me.

First of all, you would be abandoning your home and that has legal repercussions. Do NOT leave before you talk to a lawyer. Second, it is completely untrue that "there is nothing he could do." Legally, he has parental rights. He could accuse you of kidnapping the kids. More likely, he could stalk, harass, and threaten you. I'm sure this poster comes from a good place, but she doesn't have a clue about your situation.

Don’t listen to this poster. Her advice is inaccurate.

You can leave if you are in danger, and you cannot kidnap your own kids if you are married to their father (thus there is no custody arrangement).

He can threaten/stalk/harass, but it is likely he won’t because it sounds like his priority is preserving his image.

You should talk to a lawyer though, not get legal advice from the Law Firm of DCUM.

Your husband sounds like he has NPD. Google “gray rock” and follow that advice until you can get out.

[Anonymous]

I would leave and leave the kids with him. See how he likes it. He’ll be calling you ASAP and happily give up his rights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take the kids and move with your parents OP; there is really nothing he can do. If he calls the cops on you again, have your parents there. A man calling the cops over a night time bottle feeding is not rational. If my DH tried to pull this type of crap, I would leave immediately. Are you or the husband are originally from the US? Seems over the to, if you ask me.

First of all, you would be abandoning your home and that has legal repercussions. Do NOT leave before you talk to a lawyer. Second, it is completely untrue that "there is nothing he could do." Legally, he has parental rights. He could accuse you of kidnapping the kids. More likely, he could stalk, harass, and threaten you. I'm sure this poster comes from a good place, but she doesn't have a clue about your situation.

Don’t listen to this poster. Her advice is inaccurate.

You can leave if you are in danger, and you cannot kidnap your own kids if you are married to their father (thus there is no custody arrangement).

He can threaten/stalk/harass, but it is likely he won’t because it sounds like his priority is preserving his image.

You should talk to a lawyer though, not get legal advice from the Law Firm of DCUM.

Your husband sounds like he has NPD. Google “gray rock” and follow that advice until you can get out.

I do not believe your second bullet is correct, at least not in VA. But the OP is in DC. So, yes, please listen to us in terms of resources, but not for legal advice. I think all of us are saying the same thing in terms of get a lawyer before you do ANYTHING

"Unless there’s a court custody order, both parents of a child have equal rights to physical
possession of a child. This is true whether or not the parties are married to each other. Virginia
law gives no preference to either the mother or the father. Virginia law requires a judge to assure
regular and frequent contact of the child with both parents."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.

I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.

There was another incident, a few months ago, where he handled our 3 y/o roughly. I got upset, my husband said I was being crazy, but he eventually apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. A family friend saw it. She is a mandated reporter. I don't know if she reported it.

The cop who took my statement asked for my kids' names, ages, birthdates. As that was happening I realized that CPS could be called, and I didn't want to risk the kids being taken away. So I said I did not think that they were not in physical danger, but that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

My husband himself told the cops that I provoked him by waking him up and putting the baby on the bed. He told them I was trying to provoke him to do something bad. He told them about past episodes of what I considered to be violence (smashing a bowl, throwing my things out of the house).

I was exhausted, holding a crying baby, barely dressed, and didn't have my glasses on. I tried to keep it together, spoke calmly and rationally, but unfortunately I think my husband came off much better than I did. They did not encourage me to get somewhere safe. They told me to go to counseling with him, and I explained that's not recommended in situations of abuse, but they kept suggesting it. They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse).

I think cameras are a good idea, but of course if he has control of them there's no reason to think he wouldn't delete anything that incriminates him, so obviously I'd need to have my own.

Was this the putting on shoes incident at a party?

[Anonymous]

Pack up and leave with the children. ASAP. Go to your parents. Keep the kids safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would leave and leave the kids with him. See how he likes it. He’ll be calling you ASAP and happily give up his rights

He’s already been rough with the toddler and won’t tend to the baby at night. Why would you suggest OP put her children at risk?