husband called the cops - need divorce lawyer

[Anonymous]

I still don’t understand shuttling the baby back and forth three separate times when you could’ve just fed him. You knew he turned off the monitor, you knew he refused to feed him last time, you knew he wasn’t going to do it - yet you kept plopping a crying hungry baby on DH’s bed.

Not blaming you for his actions, but until you get this divorce settled, I wouldn’t be provoking him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have NEVER cried while reading DCUM DV situations (I've seen, heard, witnessed a lot) but I am crying now.

You and your children are in immediate danger.

I know everyone has counseled you to contact an attorney before you do anything; my fear is that anything could set off the terribly mentally ill and dangerous man. Anything. Call a lawyer NOW: please. Get out IMMEDIATELY: please. I am scared we will be reading about you and your two innocent children as murder/suicide victims, and I am not being dramatic. I am being far more realistic than I wish I had to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take the kids and move with your parents OP; there is really nothing he can do. If he calls the cops on you again, have your parents there. A man calling the cops over a night time bottle feeding is not rational. If my DH tried to pull this type of crap, I would leave immediately. Are you or the husband are originally from the US? Seems over the to, if you ask me.

First of all, you would be abandoning your home and that has legal repercussions. Do NOT leave before you talk to a lawyer. Second, it is completely untrue that "there is nothing he could do." Legally, he has parental rights. He could accuse you of kidnapping the kids. More likely, he could stalk, harass, and threaten you. I'm sure this poster comes from a good place, but she doesn't have a clue about your situation.

Don’t listen to this poster. Her advice is inaccurate.

You can leave if you are in danger, and you cannot kidnap your own kids if you are married to their father (thus there is no custody arrangement).

He can threaten/stalk/harass, but it is likely he won’t because it sounds like his priority is preserving his image.

You should talk to a lawyer though, not get legal advice from the Law Firm of DCUM.

Your husband sounds like he has NPD. Google “gray rock” and follow that advice until you can get out.

I do not believe your second bullet is correct, at least not in VA. But the OP is in DC. So, yes, please listen to us in terms of resources, but not for legal advice. I think all of us are saying the same thing in terms of get a lawyer before you do ANYTHING

"Unless there’s a court custody order, both parents of a child have equal rights to physical
possession of a child. This is true whether or not the parties are married to each other. Virginia
law gives no preference to either the mother or the father. Virginia law requires a judge to assure
regular and frequent contact of the child with both parents."

Are you a family law attorney in Virginia? Are you a family law attorney at all? Your quote has nothing to do with this situation.

You cannot kidnap your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t understand shuttling the baby back and forth three separate times when you could’ve just fed him. You knew he turned off the monitor, you knew he refused to feed him last time, you knew he wasn’t going to do it - yet you kept plopping a crying hungry baby on DH’s bed.

Not blaming you for his actions, but until you get this divorce settled, I wouldn’t be provoking him.

Because this advice is commonly given out to DCUMs whose husbands won’t do childcare or housework: “go away for the weekend and make him figure it out”, “just don’t do [the chore] until he notices”, “tell him that he needs to do the pick ups from now on”, “I would NEVER be married to a man who doesn’t do his fair share”, and my favorite “why did you marry him?”

If OP had posted last week that her husband doesn’t do any wakeups, she would have been told to stop being such a doormat.

When she stops being a doormat, you tell her not to provoke her husband.

She can’t win, either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened physical violence. I've been trying to make it work because we have 2 small kids.

I've been waking up every time with our baby (now 10 months). Sunday night, i was up with him 5 times and was exhausted (I WOH). So the following morning (yesterday) I told my husband I needed help and that I expected him to feed the baby a bottle overnight. He's never fed the baby. He didn't say anything to that.

I asked him to do this once previously, about a month ago when I was very sick, and he threatened violence. I told him that was unacceptable but... he still didn't feed the baby. I was too sick to fight with him over it. I fed the baby.

Last night I left the formula and a bottle on the counter and I left the monitor on next to his bed (I sleep in a room with the baby, he sleeps downstairs so the baby doesn't bother him). I texted him that I was going to sleep and I thanked him in advance for helping me get a better night's sleep.

He turned off the monitor and went to sleep.

When the baby woke up, I brought him downstairs, woke up my husband and put the baby on the bed with him. I told him the baby needed a bottle. I went back upstairs.

He brought baby back upstairs without feeding him, put him back in his crib. I brought baby back to him, said he needed to be fed.

Husband again threatened violence, then called the cops, accused me of provoking him to violence and of trying to make him do something that would work against him in a custody battle (I wasn't - I just wanted him to feed baby so I could sleep). Cops came. It was crazy. I can't believe he would do something that would possibly get our kids taken away from us.

He has been accusing me of manipulating him into doing something that would get him in trouble. He was very clear to the cops that he was the one to contact them, as if I were the wrongdoer in the situation, and very sure that he was extremely well-behaved in front of them. I have not yet contacted a lawyer. As I said, I've been trying to make this work. I just wanted him to feed baby a bottle so I could get a couple hours of sleep. But I think I'd better contact a lawyer now.

Any lawyer recommendations?
What else should I be doing? I'm in therapy. I've got some money. I have parents who can help.

I would think, even if the cops just took statements while they were there, would do a report to CPS.

Did they ask you if you had ever been threatened? Were the cops ever told that handing him his own baby was what your husband regarded as provocation? Did they ask if you felt safe? Did he tell the cops he might end up hitting you or injuring the baby if you kept "provoking" him? Did they encourage you to stay somewhere else at least for the night?

I agree about the hot potato act with the baby--this is not a situation where you should be trying to make it work. He is actively refusing to care for his child. Thanking him in advance is not going to fix that, he does not care, he sounds pathological.

There was another incident, a few months ago, where he handled our 3 y/o roughly. I got upset, my husband said I was being crazy, but he eventually apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. A family friend saw it. She is a mandated reporter. I don't know if she reported it.

The cop who took my statement asked for my kids' names, ages, birthdates. As that was happening I realized that CPS could be called, and I didn't want to risk the kids being taken away. So I said I did not think that they were not in physical danger, but that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

My husband himself told the cops that I provoked him by waking him up and putting the baby on the bed. He told them I was trying to provoke him to do something bad. He told them about past episodes of what I considered to be violence (smashing a bowl, throwing my things out of the house).

I was exhausted, holding a crying baby, barely dressed, and didn't have my glasses on. I tried to keep it together, spoke calmly and rationally, but unfortunately I think my husband came off much better than I did. They did not encourage me to get somewhere safe. They told me to go to counseling with him, and I explained that's not recommended in situations of abuse, but they kept suggesting it. They told my husband to go somewhere else if he didn't want to be there, and suggested that he set up cameras to record what goes on to protect himself (he told them he had called them to protect himself against my baseless accusations of abuse).

I think cameras are a good idea, but of course if he has control of them there's no reason to think he wouldn't delete anything that incriminates him, so obviously I'd need to have my own.

He is trying to set you up for a custody battle, and getting lies on the record. You mentioned something earlier about him saying he thought you were trying to impact custody. He is PROJECTING!! Get an attorney that has strong experience in litigatarion with a history of abuse. Start tracking every thing you do with kids to document parenting g responsibility/history. Get a therapist for you - and one to support your 3 yo for the pending divorce that I suspect may drag out over years with this type of dynamic. Talk to an attorney. Matter of fact, talk to more than one attorney to get a few opinions, many will give a feee consult..

Don’t get cameras until you talk to an attorney.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is nothing to work out. It doesn’t get better from here. Until it’s over.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I worked with my attorneys for months to plan an exit from my abusive husband. There was a lot that I needed to do to prepare and to make sure that I and our two children would be safe. The most important thing I learned was putting together the plan for getting the protective order. The protective order was essential. Husbands are not allowed to threaten and abuse their wives. My ex was served by the sheriffs and required to leave the house. He was ordered by the judge to stay away from me and the children for a year, with only weekend visits with the children for a few hours at a public place. If he came to the house, I called the police from behind a locked door. Unfortunately, he did this a few times and the children had to experience this situation. They were young at the time and don't seem to remember it.
Unless you feel immediately threatened, get the lawyer's advice. If you are in immediate fear and danger, call 911 from a safe location. Your life with your children will work out down the road by you taking the next right step.
Best to you.

[Anonymous]

I said earlier that he is setting you up.

I agree 100% with the other posters that say he's going to file and ask for sole custody to try to get you to give up all sorts of things just so you can have your kids 50%.

He's setting you up as mentally unstable. Could your mother, sister, cousin, or friend come and give you some relief with the baby? Ignore all the people that are giving you grief for the baby being up at night. They've never had a baby that wasn't a sleeper. I have two nieces that really never slept as babies, no matter what their parents tried.

Any chance there's another woman? He could just be your garden variety psychopath, but he seems to really want to leave in a very strong financial position.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, he isn't threatening the kids with violence, if that makes any difference. It's unspecified but I think threats are against me and destruction of my stuff.

Do a quick little google search on kids killed by their dads in 2018. Thousands of stories will come up. This is not about you.

Doorways for women in arlington.

Mother are almost as likely to kill their kids as fathers. Remember we are equal and can do anything a man can do.


https://www.cnn.com/2017/07/07/health/filicide-parents-killing-kids-stats-trnd/index.html

Also... "thousands" is an overreach about 500 times each year with mothers doing almost half of the killings.

If a man feels in danger he should call the police also.

False. 40% mothers. 60% fathers and I was talking about women killed with their kids. Men killed with their kids almost unheard of.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're still reading, go to House of Ruth in DC.

I know you said you had resources, but basically you need to understand the law. (not DCUM law, where you get all sorts of bad and conflicting advice).

https://houseofruth.org

Once oyu understand the process and your legal rights (and his legal rights), you'll be in a MUCH better position. I agree with others he is setting you up. He likely does not want 50/50 custody, but Im sure he knows your fear is the kids will be left with him or he will win 50/50. He is going to prey on that fear, and use it to negotiate (and further intimidate you).

DOCUMENT everything. Document how often the baby is waking at night - and how little childcare he does. Take photos of his sleeping area downstairs. keep a diary (and go back as far as you can in history while staying accurate). Be able to show a judge (in a worse case scenario) that he provides no nighttime care for the baby. At the worst, he could get overnights with the older child, but you may be able to convince a judge that he is not capable of overnight care of an infant. Again, that's worse case - if he really pushes this. If you play your cards right and strategically, you might be able to avoid this.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for what happened to you OP.

Your husband sounds like an evil monster who for some very odd reason, seems to be going against you.

This whole police issue would have most definitely been the last straw for me.
As it should be for you now.

Do not let him persuade you to stay.
It is OVER.
If your husband has threatened physical violence & you are convinced that things could get really bad, then perhaps create a plan for leaving him w/the assistance from your family.

It is too late for counseling at this point.
Counseling will not remove the “rat” from his personality.

[Anonymous]

OP if you're still reading this, you could try my divorce lawyer in DC: Robert Case Liotta, 202-787-7700 (not expensive, one-man shop, very practical, honest, straight shooter (and yes, related to Ray Liotta the actor.)

Or you could try my ex's lawyer, more expensive, also a straight-shooter, younger, good advocate, and very responsive: Sharon Siegel with Ain & Bank.

Having dealt with a similar situation (tho our 2 kids were teenage and above), I can tell you that no matter how bad your relationship has gotten, divorce sucks the life out of you. If there's any way to hit the reset button on your relationship, try that first. I don't mean couples counseling, that was worse than useless. I mean, like, level with him, do a trial separation, and above all, force yourself to stay calm, ask questions rather than argue.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP...that's awful, you need to leave your husband. I am glad you have your parents for help.

[Anonymous]

lol. All the women here diagnosing mental illness in a complete stranger and simultaneously encouraging OP to kidnap her children.

Who is ill?

[Anonymous]

Idiots. Stop reproducing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take the kids and move with your parents OP; there is really nothing he can do. If he calls the cops on you again, have your parents there. A man calling the cops over a night time bottle feeding is not rational. If my DH tried to pull this type of crap, I would leave immediately. Are you or the husband are originally from the US? Seems over the to, if you ask me.

First of all, you would be abandoning your home and that has legal repercussions. Do NOT leave before you talk to a lawyer. Second, it is completely untrue that "there is nothing he could do." Legally, he has parental rights. He could accuse you of kidnapping the kids. More likely, he could stalk, harass, and threaten you. I'm sure this poster comes from a good place, but she doesn't have a clue about your situation.

Don’t listen to this poster. Her advice is inaccurate.

You can leave if you are in danger, and you cannot kidnap your own kids if you are married to their father (thus there is no custody arrangement).

He can threaten/stalk/harass, but it is likely he won’t because it sounds like his priority is preserving his image.

You should talk to a lawyer though, not get legal advice from the Law Firm of DCUM.

Your husband sounds like he has NPD. Google “gray rock” and follow that advice until you can get out.

I do not believe your second bullet is correct, at least not in VA. But the OP is in DC. So, yes, please listen to us in terms of resources, but not for legal advice. I think all of us are saying the same thing in terms of get a lawyer before you do ANYTHING

"Unless there’s a court custody order, both parents of a child have equal rights to physical
possession of a child. This is true whether or not the parties are married to each other. Virginia
law gives no preference to either the mother or the father. Virginia law requires a judge to assure
regular and frequent contact of the child with both parents."

Are you a family law attorney in Virginia? Are you a family law attorney at all? Your quote has nothing to do with this situation.

You cannot kidnap your own kids.

What are you talking about? If a father took his kids and left, it would be considered kidnapping...