Family in a financial mess

[Anonymous]

Nice post op.

I hope you have luck finding a higher paying career. I was one of the pps who recommended it. I did the same thing when I knew I was going to have a family

It is great your husband is supportive of you giving back a lot

[Anonymous]

OP again.

My brother also says that our parents were incredibly poor planners. They created a great burden on us by making financially illogical choices and now our family is drowning.

We have had long drawn out arguments where I have tried to explain that had he not taken these risks none of us would be where we are. He seems to think that I am awful and selfish and that our parents are emotionally abusive for expecting us to care for them.

It is hard for me to deal with all of this alone as my brother is basically distancing himself from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

So you are paying for your own grad school?

Your brother may be thinking that nobody will want to marry him if too much of his money goes to his own parents and nothing to his wife and kids.

I think you need to very seriously ask your parents how they think you can afford children if you also have to pay off all of their debts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

My brother also says that our parents were incredibly poor planners. They created a great burden on us by making financially illogical choices and now our family is drowning.

We have had long drawn out arguments where I have tried to explain that had he not taken these risks none of us would be where we are. He seems to think that I am awful and selfish and that our parents are emotionally abusive for expecting us to care for them.

It is hard for me to deal with all of this alone as my brother is basically distancing himself from us.

OP, I think you have to let your brother do his thing and you do yours. Don't take it upon yourself to change his mind. It is between him and your parents. You have enough to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

So you are paying for your own grad school?

Your brother may be thinking that nobody will want to marry him if too much of his money goes to his own parents and nothing to his wife and kids.

I think you need to very seriously ask your parents how they think you can afford children if you also have to pay off all of their debts.

If I go to graduate school, yes. I am looking to see if I can get a scholarship or some way in which those loans would be less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

So you are paying for your own grad school?

Your brother may be thinking that nobody will want to marry him if too much of his money goes to his own parents and nothing to his wife and kids.

I think you need to very seriously ask your parents how they think you can afford children if you also have to pay off all of their debts.

If I go to graduate school, yes. I am looking to see if I can get a scholarship or some way in which those loans would be less.

Wait so you have student loans from undergrad? What did your parents pay for that put them into so much debt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

So you are paying for your own grad school?

Your brother may be thinking that nobody will want to marry him if too much of his money goes to his own parents and nothing to his wife and kids.

I think you need to very seriously ask your parents how they think you can afford children if you also have to pay off all of their debts.

If I go to graduate school, yes. I am looking to see if I can get a scholarship or some way in which those loans would be less.

Wait so you have student loans from undergrad? What did your parents pay for that put them into so much debt?

No I don't.

I went to undergrad in the US. with a combo of scholarships and about 30k in loans my dad took out.

[Anonymous]

Read much of the first 3 pages, minimal last couple.

Overall, I agree that OP has an obligation to her family because she got the benefit of the education. Otherwise it's like the first two kids getting the inheritance and leaving a big hole in the ground for the remaining sibs. Not only that, OPs brother also has an obligation.

At the same time: do OPs parents have an unrealistic picture of what OPs life in the US is like in terms of income and COL? Were unrealistic pictures part of the earlier decisions regarding education?

I can only imagine how difficult this is--as is, I'm sure, often the case when parents and children are figuring out how to bridge cultures (and geography on top of that).

I suppose sponsoring a sibling to come to the US and do public h.s. is not realistic given the time frames? And the general slowdown under Trump of legal immigration proceedings and higher rates of denials to legal immigrants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

So you are paying for your own grad school?

Your brother may be thinking that nobody will want to marry him if too much of his money goes to his own parents and nothing to his wife and kids.

I think you need to very seriously ask your parents how they think you can afford children if you also have to pay off all of their debts.

If I go to graduate school, yes. I am looking to see if I can get a scholarship or some way in which those loans would be less.

Wait so you have student loans from undergrad? What did your parents pay for that put them into so much debt?

No I don't.

I went to undergrad in the US. with a combo of scholarships and about 30k in loans my dad took out.

HOLY CRAP!
Your dad may have a good heart, but your brother is right, Dad is a horrible financial manager.
How are you supposed to ever escape debt. This is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

So you are paying for your own grad school?

Your brother may be thinking that nobody will want to marry him if too much of his money goes to his own parents and nothing to his wife and kids.

I think you need to very seriously ask your parents how they think you can afford children if you also have to pay off all of their debts.

If I go to graduate school, yes. I am looking to see if I can get a scholarship or some way in which those loans would be less.

Wait so you have student loans from undergrad? What did your parents pay for that put them into so much debt?

No I don't.

I went to undergrad in the US. with a combo of scholarships and about 30k in loans my dad took out.

So what are the school loans you mention above?

Regardless, the point is that if your parents do not reduce spending they will never get out of debt. You just don't make enough. Your income may increase but so will expenses, so it's a wash.

[Anonymous]

How much of their debt is actually from your education and how much is from other stuff like keeping up appearances?

I think you need to see if you can consolidate the debts and obtain a lower interest rate. Right now it sounds like you are all just treading water. Can you find a financial advisor in their area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, set aside a monthly amount that you feel would be financially comfortable for you and your dh to send.

I'm also from India and help my parents out who live here, but you are NOT obligated for life to give them everything. They chose to spend all that money, NOT you.

Was it coming to the US that made you selfish?

How am I selfish because I don't feel I owe my parents my life long income? By the way, I've been here since I was 4 years old and my family came from a city, not a small village. Thankfully my parents aren't assholes who expect us to go poor for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a first generation immigrant from a poor rural Indian family. My parents are solidly middle class government employees who are now retired. At the height of his career my dear father used all of his money + loans + dipping into his retirement funds to ensure me and my siblings were given the best education he could afford. As such we went to well regarded private British schools and after graduating came to the U.S to attend university.

I am now married and live in the U.S on a GC. My brother is also here and works. The problem is, my father is now retired, deeply in debt and without any savings to fund him, my mom and my 2 other siblings who are still in high school. They are completely broke. My youngest sister is attending a private HS back home and they need money for her registration for the new year. My parents have been hitting my brother and I for money over the years. We feel it is our obligation to help them as they are our parents and also because they are in such dire circumstances.

I feel awful but at the same time feel like I can never really save. I don't know how to help or fix their problems.

So your parents are in debt in part because they funded your education and now you're not helping them when they need it? That's pretty cold. I come from an immigrant family, too. I imagine not helping my parents even if it meant I had to take a second or third job.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way that you could take on some of the debt your father took out for your education directly. That would be a finite amount that would repay much of what your parents provided you and hopefully provide financial breathing room so that they could help your siblings. It is also equivalent to paying back student loans similar to what many college graduates have to deal with while building their lives. You also could offer a home to your siblings for college in the US when they are ready but they could take on any tuition related debt to keep that from being a further burden on your parents.

[Anonymous]

your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.