Family in a financial mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to use the good education you got to get a higher paying job. You don’t have the luxury of working at a non profit like a trust fund kid. This has been how it is for immigrant families forever. That’s why all the children become doctors lawyers and mbas. Hate the harsh truth OP. Use your elite connections you have made and go get a high paying job.

What bulls**** is this??
OP has a right to work and create a life that she enjoys that she finds peaceful that she finds purposeful .
Yes we all should help our families in the ways that we can but we do not have to carve out a life that is primarily just rescuing people who make bad financial decisions .
At some point, we need to let our kids have their own lives and damn sure they are not obligated to completely finance the future of OTHER kids I brought into the world . Help, assistance and support are one thing, but it's not her obligation to sustain her entire family. She might as well have stayed poor.
And by the way PP not everybody wants to be an MBA or a doctor or a lawyer there are 1 million myriad careers and job path that everybody has a right to choose for themselves .

That’s a very American way of thinking. OP comes from an Asian immigrant background whose father has scrificed everything not for her to behave like a trust fund girl. That’s how generations of immigrants pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. OP and her brother have an obligation to their family. Simply she doesn’t have the luxury to ape her rich peers, fullstop.

WTH !
Everybody who works at a nonprofit I know they have a trust fund baby .
You do realize that there are people who are immigrants who scrape and work themselves out a pa you do realize that there are people who are immigrants scrape and work themselves out of poverty. You do realize that right ?
Foolish, ridiculous, dumb ass futile way of thinking and behaving for every generation to try and bankrupt themselves to finance the prior generation .
You provide assistance support help in the ways that you can while you are still building your future so your damn kids don't have to support you.
You help your parents in the ways that you can teach your siblings and your relatives to make smarter financial decisions so everybody's not going into debt so everybody else and have to bail them out .
What you're talking about is not family help or support what you're talking about is honestly a poverty mentality . It's a ghetto a** way of thinking that is not helpful .

OP's parents are not living a lavish lifestyle. They've sacrificed everything including their own retirement just to put their kids into good schools in foreign countries and helping their children make it to the US. They sacrificed everything in the world including their own security to ensure that their first two children can have a better life than they had. And they are tapped out for their last two children. OP and her brother owe it to the family to help put the younger two children through school and college. After that, they can leave supporting their parents in their deserved retirement up to the younger two.

PP says that OP and her brother need to give some hard love to the parents about making smarter financial decisions. If they were to make "smarter" financial decisions, then OP and her brother would be working low or middle class jobs in India without any potential for a better life for them or their children. That's how families stay in poverty for generations. OP's parents made the decision to break the cycle of poverty and help push their children out and up. The older siblings can turn their backs on their family or they can help pull the younger siblings with them so that all the children can give their children a better future. That's the Asian way. You clearly do not understand it.

+1 just that OP’s parents didn’t realize OP would get ideas from the other wealthy peers she hung round with. This reminds me of another exurban thread where the Indian American woman for the first time realized she wasn’t rich because her parents didn’t earn that much but were diplomats and she ended up marrying a not wealthy man and she wouldn’t have the life her wealthy classmates have. These people have sacrificed everything for OP and their brother, OP doesn’t get to take a low paying non profit job and say tough luck. She can do it later once she’s helped her brother and sisters.

What universe do some of you people live in? Number one everybody takes a nonprofit job is not some Kardashian n what universe do some of you people live in? Number one everybody takes a nonprofit job is not some Kardashian, Trust fund baby .
And do you think the people just go out here and say I want to job that makes X amount of dollars and they just go and get it like they going to the mall shopping for high-paying jobs won't you tell that to all the people who are further from the and do you think the people just go out here and say I want to job that makes eczema dollars and they just go and get it like they going to the mall shopping for high-paying jobs want you tell that to all the people were furloughed from the federal government. There are a lot of people just like apiece family come from lower middle-class working-class blue-collar families and parents and families sacrificed a lot but to think that it's necessarily some kind of honor to keep making bad financial decisions things do you think you cannot there are a lot of people just like OP's family come from lower middle-class , working-class blue-collar families with parents and families who sacrificed a lot but to think that it's necessarily some kind of honor to keep making bad financial decisions, accruing things you cannot afford and then obligate your kids to then pay for them in the future that's unrealistic and untenable .

Your rant is completely incoherent.

There are very few people who could not make more money doing the same work for a private company that they do for a non-profit. Heck, even doing the same work in the public sector for a government agency is likely to make a higher income doing the same work. Being able to work in the non-profit world for a cause you believe in is a luxury. Most people have a spouse that makes more money elsewhere, or have an alternate source of money. There are a few who work for a passion that live frugally, but they are the exception, not the norm. Most of the people I know that work in the non-profit world are married to someone who works elsewhere and makes the bulk of their HHI.

And I've known many people who after years have had to give up working for the non-profit that they value supporting in order to go and make a better income elsewhere, often doing the same job for significantly more money, just not supporting the cause that they believe in. The problem is that other than the top 5-10% of the non-profits, most of them can't afford to pay staff very much to support the cause. They typically have to hire people who support the cause for passion rather than those who do so for the income.

[Anonymous]

You owe all your success to your family OP

Help them out, pay your father back...

[Anonymous]

I think a non profit is a noble career choice in most circumstances.. but you should move to a more lucrative career path so you can help your family have some return on their major investment in you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP's parents are not living a lavish lifestyle. They've sacrificed everything including their own retirement just to put their kids into good schools in foreign countries and helping their children make it to the US. They sacrificed everything in the world including their own security to ensure that their first two children can have a better life than they had. And they are tapped out for their last two children. OP and her brother owe it to the family to help put the younger two children through school and college. After that, they can leave supporting their parents in their deserved retirement up to the younger two.

PP says that OP and her brother need to give some hard love to the parents about making smarter financial decisions. If they were to make "smarter" financial decisions, then OP and her brother would be working low or middle class jobs in India without any potential for a better life for them or their children. That's how families stay in poverty for generations. OP's parents made the decision to break the cycle of poverty and help push their children out and up. The older siblings can turn their backs on their family or they can help pull the younger siblings with them so that all the children can give their children a better future. That's the Asian way. You clearly do not understand it.

You are not braking the cycle of poverty of you are overwhelmed with debt , have no retirement and cannot afford to educate the kids you decided to have.
Maybe YOU don't understand that. There's a difference between helping out and giving back and impoverishing your self to the detriment of your future and the future of your kiddos to pay some debt you did not incur and therefore guaranteeing then your kids will have to take care of you totally and fully and can't save for their future .
it's a dysfunctional cycle. It's not a question of culture it's just a question of math and commonsense. And I say all this when I believe and do support family give back a cyst but if you don't have it what is she supposed to pull a rabbit out of her head bankrupt her own family that makes no sense and thats's not building generational wealth it's robbing Peter to pay Paul .

Yes, they are breaking the cycle of poverty. Not for their generation, but for the next. While the parents are still impoverished, the children, e.g. OP and her brother are not. They are in the US with a good education and earning a living. They will have a better future in the US with a college degree than most of their peers who are still in home countries across Asia making low to median income in a vastly overpopulated world with lower standards of living. And their children will have a much better chance of living an above average life in the US and getting a college education and being above the poverty level.

And the parents want the same for the younger two children. It is guaranteed that if OP and her brother do not help out, that the younger siblings and their children have very little chance of making it out of the lower income range unless someone in the US sends money back or one of them decides to make the same sacrifices that OP's parents did, e.g. destroying their own lives and retirement in order to spend money to send their children out of the cycle.

OP needs to move out of the non-profit world and get a higher salary so that she can send more money back to her family so that the younger siblings get the same opportunities that her parents gave her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to use the good education you got to get a higher paying job. You don’t have the luxury of working at a non profit like a trust fund kid. This has been how it is for immigrant families forever. That’s why all the children become doctors lawyers and mbas. Hate the harsh truth OP. Use your elite connections you have made and go get a high paying job.

What bulls**** is this??
OP has a right to work and create a life that she enjoys that she finds peaceful that she finds purposeful .
Yes we all should help our families in the ways that we can but we do not have to carve out a life that is primarily just rescuing people who make bad financial decisions .
At some point, we need to let our kids have their own lives and damn sure they are not obligated to completely finance the future of OTHER kids I brought into the world . Help, assistance and support are one thing, but it's not her obligation to sustain her entire family. She might as well have stayed poor.
And by the way PP not everybody wants to be an MBA or a doctor or a lawyer there are 1 million myriad careers and job path that everybody has a right to choose for themselves .

No, she doesn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

Nah. I agree with the first PP.

You aren't "getting yours" if you did not ask for it. OP didn't choose the schools, the education, the money spent. Her parents made that choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help out. I, personally, would feel terrible to not give something. But, I would not do it at the expense of my own savings, family. I just wouldn't. I would sit down and find out what you need and what you can reasonably give them. And then I'd do that. And nothing more.

And, no, she does NOT have to pick a career based solely on the money needed to support her parents. That is the DUMBEST thing I've ever read.

No she doesn’t. But seems like she’s used to the choices or lifestyles that most of her other wealthy classmates that went to her schools did. The trick for first generation immigrants that go to these elite colleges is that these schools teach you the social “niceties” for you to blend in with the right people that you may not have had exposure to prior. Then you actually get a job that raise your socioeconomic status, or maybe in OP’s case marry a rich man. This isn’t only about OP supporting her family and their dreams, but OP being in for a rude shock when she starts her own family later. Sure there is a limit to how much you can help your family but she is already shooting herself in the foot from the start.

You know you sound crazy, right??
Lotttsss of middle ground between elite and middle class. You just assume OPeent to school with Ivanka, calm your a** down.

If her dad broke his ass to send her to a middle class private schools in the UK and US, then he definitely sure wasn’t financially smart at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, set aside a monthly amount that you feel would be financially comfortable for you and your dh to send.

I'm also from India and help my parents out who live here, but you are NOT obligated for life to give them everything. They chose to spend all that money, NOT you.

[Anonymous]

Are they living in the UK?
If so, then can they not qualify for assistance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

Nah. I agree with the first PP.

You aren't "getting yours" if you did not ask for it. OP didn't choose the schools, the education, the money spent. Her parents made that choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help out. I, personally, would feel terrible to not give something. But, I would not do it at the expense of my own savings, family. I just wouldn't. I would sit down and find out what you need and what you can reasonably give them. And then I'd do that. And nothing more.

Didn’t see OP complaining when she went to these schools. The norm for her would have been not to get an education at all and be married off early or gotten a cheap education in India. To be so non aware of your family’s finances and that it was a privilege for her to go is sad.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit, apparently. She is clearly "aware" of her privilege. And as I said, I would def try to help. But OP is not OBLIGATED to return the parents' financial choices dollar for dollar. Nor is she required to let it dictate her career.

Of course she didn't complain. I wouldn't either. She was a kid, after all. But, the parents bear responsibility -THE responsibility- for a) making the choices they made and b) raising their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

Nah. I agree with the first PP.

You aren't "getting yours" if you did not ask for it. OP didn't choose the schools, the education, the money spent. Her parents made that choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help out. I, personally, would feel terrible to not give something. But, I would not do it at the expense of my own savings, family. I just wouldn't. I would sit down and find out what you need and what you can reasonably give them. And then I'd do that. And nothing more.

Didn’t see OP complaining when she went to these schools. The norm for her would have been not to get an education at all and be married off early or gotten a cheap education in India. To be so non aware of your family’s finances and that it was a privilege for her to go is sad.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit, apparently. She is clearly "aware" of her privilege. And as I said, I would def try to help. But OP is not OBLIGATED to return the parents' financial choices dollar for dollar. Nor is she required to let it dictate her career.

Of course she didn't complain. I wouldn't either. She was a kid, after all. But, the parents bear responsibility -THE responsibility- for a) making the choices they made and b) raising their own kids.

I disagree. I think she and her brother certainly have a moral obligation to support their younger siblings and their parents. Personally, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

Nah. I agree with the first PP.

You aren't "getting yours" if you did not ask for it. OP didn't choose the schools, the education, the money spent. Her parents made that choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help out. I, personally, would feel terrible to not give something. But, I would not do it at the expense of my own savings, family. I just wouldn't. I would sit down and find out what you need and what you can reasonably give them. And then I'd do that. And nothing more.

Didn’t see OP complaining when she went to these schools. The norm for her would have been not to get an education at all and be married off early or gotten a cheap education in India. To be so non aware of your family’s finances and that it was a privilege for her to go is sad.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit, apparently. She is clearly "aware" of her privilege. And as I said, I would def try to help. But OP is not OBLIGATED to return the parents' financial choices dollar for dollar. Nor is she required to let it dictate her career.

Of course she didn't complain. I wouldn't either. She was a kid, after all. But, the parents bear responsibility -THE responsibility- for a) making the choices they made and b) raising their own kids.

She is not obligated to return the parents financial choices dollar for dollar, she should however contribute something within her means. And no she does not have the luxury to behave or choose like a wealthy woman because she is not. Others above have explained to you most people in non profits make the choice because their financial burdens are not high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

Nah. I agree with the first PP.

You aren't "getting yours" if you did not ask for it. OP didn't choose the schools, the education, the money spent. Her parents made that choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help out. I, personally, would feel terrible to not give something. But, I would not do it at the expense of my own savings, family. I just wouldn't. I would sit down and find out what you need and what you can reasonably give them. And then I'd do that. And nothing more.

Didn’t see OP complaining when she went to these schools. The norm for her would have been not to get an education at all and be married off early or gotten a cheap education in India. To be so non aware of your family’s finances and that it was a privilege for her to go is sad.

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit, apparently. She is clearly "aware" of her privilege. And as I said, I would def try to help. But OP is not OBLIGATED to return the parents' financial choices dollar for dollar. Nor is she required to let it dictate her career.

Of course she didn't complain. I wouldn't either. She was a kid, after all. But, the parents bear responsibility -THE responsibility- for a) making the choices they made and b) raising their own kids.

She is not obligated to return the parents financial choices dollar for dollar, she should however contribute something within her means. And no she does not have the luxury to behave or choose like a wealthy woman because she is not. Others above have explained to you most people in non profits make the choice because their financial burdens are not high.

You made that up!

[Anonymous]

1. Lots and lots (and lots) of people work in jobs that they are not "passionate" about in order to meet their financial obligations. Chances are very, very slim that the teller at the bank, the cashier at the grocery store, the person processing your tax return, your UPS driver, or pretty much any middle manager in bland corporate world is "passionate" about their work. For many people, salary is the #1 factor in job selection. That's why people committee from Loudon to DC, etc.. I have no idea what OP is earning or what her earning potential is, but I think exploring whether she can get a higher paying job so as to help her family out is an entirely reasonable move.

2. I haven't seen anyone suggest that OP should impoverish herself. Merely that she does seem to have a moral duty to help and she should make choices with an eye towards helping her family. So, maybe she vacations in Ocean City instead of Hawaii, drives a Kia instead of a BMW, doesn't buy a house at the top of her price range. You know - live a middle class lifestyle even if she could afford an upper class one. Use the money saved to help.

[Anonymous]

Appreciate the replies. This is OP.

I am very very thankful for my parents sacrifices. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I'm really sad that while I can buy a latte at 3pm just as a little treat, my little sister at home doesn't have any pocket money to go out with her friends. Daily reminders like that are very difficult.

I agree with everyone about needing to do a job change. I am attempting to figure out next career moves. It is just unfortunate that I have not been making enough of an income to pay my bills, pay for my own very modest wedding with DH in addition to committing to sending home 200k+ per month.

It is just not mathematically possible for me at this time. My DH and I are "DC poor" with a HHI of less than 150k combined. With school loans, paying for our wedding last year and everything else we are pretty tight financially.

My DH is very generous and encourages me to send bits of my income home when I am able. I usually send money to cover emergencies and siblings schooling, in addition to help pay off my dad's many debts.

My younger brother who lives here has also been helping out but he is at a crossroads. He feels that it is not fair to him that our parents put him in this situation. He was too young to make a choice or have a say in this situation and he was forced into an agreement he was unable to decline. He is frustrated that he is 28 and has very little savings. He has a nice life though and goes on multiple vacations a year domestically with his girlfriend.

I see his point. My parents' financial mess is a blackhole and I would need to be earning about 300k+ to be able to significantly help such as a. buy them a permanent home in India, spend $100k + to pay off all of the loans and pay for my siblings to attend college.

It is a lot. Neither of us are particularly high earning another my brother is in finance and will eventually make more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, set aside a monthly amount that you feel would be financially comfortable for you and your dh to send.

I'm also from India and help my parents out who live here, but you are NOT obligated for life to give them everything. They chose to spend all that money, NOT you.

Was it coming to the US that made you selfish?