Family in a financial mess

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am thankful all the responses.

I feel awful. I am a woman and it is really revolutionary that my dear father went out of his way to ensure that me and my siblings, including all of my sisters were given the best education his money can buy. He pulled himself out of a rural village to make it in the city and desperately wanted us to do and be better. He selflessly made sure we were set up to have more than he did and didn't have any social or academic hindrances.

I have been living in the U.S and work for a nonprofit. I do not earn very much and I help out with major emergency expenses my parents have. My little brother just graduated from college and doesn't earn very much either but he is already mentally tired of the idea of helping out our family and feels as one of the above posters. That it wasn't his say that he was put in this position. Now that he is here, instead of saving and building his life, he is expected to support his siblings. He always calls hime and yells at my mother about why they had so many kids if they couldn't afford to educate them.

Its become really bad. I feel tremendous guilt but also I don't make enough to cover all their expenses. So I can't truly solve their problems. :\ Feeling very blue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

I expected this reaction on this board when I wrote my post.

Think of it this way: There are four adults. Between them, there is a negative savings rate. Yet, they are facing upcoming major life expenditures like retirement, starting new households, and possibly starting new families. It is not unreasonable for the OP to decide that spending $8k at this time feels imprudent, particularly since s/he knows that there will likely be future expenses looking after the parents. Thus my analogy to the way that obligation can drown everyone. If one or two adult children in this family can get ahead, they have a chance of surviving financially or even thriving enough to help their other family members. If they live in a way that is financially perilous, then everyone is at risk in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am thankful all the responses.

I feel awful. I am a woman and it is really revolutionary that my dear father went out of his way to ensure that me and my siblings, including all of my sisters were given the best education his money can buy. He pulled himself out of a rural village to make it in the city and desperately wanted us to do and be better. He selflessly made sure we were set up to have more than he did and didn't have any social or academic hindrances.

I have been living in the U.S and work for a nonprofit. I do not earn very much and I help out with major emergency expenses my parents have. My little brother just graduated from college and doesn't earn very much either but he is already mentally tired of the idea of helping out our family and feels as one of the above posters. That it wasn't his say that he was put in this position. Now that he is here, instead of saving and building his life, he is expected to support his siblings. He always calls hime and yells at my mother about why they had so many kids if they couldn't afford to educate them.

Its become really bad. I feel tremendous guilt but also I don't make enough to cover all their expenses. So I can't truly solve their problems. :\ Feeling very blue.

PP who posted about the cultural expectations. My bad for assuming you were a son (see, cultural expectations on my part).

I am sorry that your brother doesn't want to support his family, especially since it sounds like he is just starting out doing so.

I would say help where you can, if possible, get a better paying job (easier said than done, I know), and be open with your parents and younger siblings about helping them.

Very sorry for the situation you're in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am thankful all the responses.

I feel awful. I am a woman and it is really revolutionary that my dear father went out of his way to ensure that me and my siblings, including all of my sisters were given the best education his money can buy. He pulled himself out of a rural village to make it in the city and desperately wanted us to do and be better. He selflessly made sure we were set up to have more than he did and didn't have any social or academic hindrances.

I have been living in the U.S and work for a nonprofit. I do not earn very much and I help out with major emergency expenses my parents have. My little brother just graduated from college and doesn't earn very much either but he is already mentally tired of the idea of helping out our family and feels as one of the above posters. That it wasn't his say that he was put in this position. Now that he is here, instead of saving and building his life, he is expected to support his siblings. He always calls hime and yells at my mother about why they had so many kids if they couldn't afford to educate them.

Its become really bad. I feel tremendous guilt but also I don't make enough to cover all their expenses. So I can't truly solve their problems. :\ Feeling very blue.

OP, can you figure out how much you can realistically send to your family without putting yourself at risk? Maybe you can't send 8K, but can you send $500 a month? You tell them this is what you can afford to send them every month. Make it an automatic payment so you never see the money and it just works without you having to make a choice.

Then you tell your parents that you have set up for them to get $XX a month, but that is all you can do. Whenever they bring it up, you say "The payments I am making now are all I can do." and change the subject.

As for your brother -- let him find his own way. He is not your problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say you can just focus on yourself, but in this case, you and your older sibling basically got all of the resources to pull the family up and you need to honor the obligation to pull those other two kids up. And then you all need to take care of your parents. I think this is the only way out of the type of poverty you take from and your parents were doing exactly what they should have for the good of the family. So, give as much as you can.

I literally cannot stand people like this.
HOW IN THE EFF US OP GOING TO HELP GET HER FAMILY OUT IF POVERTY BY IMPOVERISHING HER OWN FAMILY???
HOW THE HELL IS SHE GOING TO DO THAT?
PULL $8000 OUT OF HER BUTT?????

[Anonymous]

Op,
Do what you can without risking your own future.
OTHERWISE, that is another generation of debt ridden family.
I get the bind your parents are in but he needs a better financial plan then just incurring debt and hoping his adult child will have the means to pay it off .

[Anonymous]

Is private school in India $8K? That seems like a lot. Is there a cheaper option?

[Anonymous]

I would do ALL I could to help my family in these circumstances. I would tighten my belt for them.

My husband was and is in similar circumstances with his extended family in his home country, except that he sends money to relatives he's never even met! I am not comfortable with this: he's funding a distant cousin's law school when our own children's college funds are in a parlous state. But what can you do? It's guilt at work. He escaped, they didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am thankful all the responses.

I feel awful. I am a woman and it is really revolutionary that my dear father went out of his way to ensure that me and my siblings, including all of my sisters were given the best education his money can buy. He pulled himself out of a rural village to make it in the city and desperately wanted us to do and be better. He selflessly made sure we were set up to have more than he did and didn't have any social or academic hindrances.

I have been living in the U.S and work for a nonprofit. I do not earn very much and I help out with major emergency expenses my parents have. My little brother just graduated from college and doesn't earn very much either but he is already mentally tired of the idea of helping out our family and feels as one of the above posters. That it wasn't his say that he was put in this position. Now that he is here, instead of saving and building his life, he is expected to support his siblings. He always calls hime and yells at my mother about why they had so many kids if they couldn't afford to educate them.

Its become really bad. I feel tremendous guilt but also I don't make enough to cover all their expenses. So I can't truly solve their problems. :\ Feeling very blue.

OP, can you figure out how much you can realistically send to your family without putting yourself at risk? Maybe you can't send 8K, but can you send $500 a month? You tell them this is what you can afford to send them every month. Make it an automatic payment so you never see the money and it just works without you having to make a choice.

Then you tell your parents that you have set up for them to get $XX a month, but that is all you can do. Whenever they bring it up, you say "The payments I am making now are all I can do." and change the subject.

As for your brother -- let him find his own way. He is not your problem to solve.

This is the best response so far.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to tell them that they are living beyond the family's means. You and your brother simply do not earn enough to maintain their standard of living and pay off their debts. That is the reality and the whole family must face it.

OP, you need to be laying the foundation for the next generation of the family. For the sake of their future grandchildren, have a serious talk with your parents about how they will bring their expenses under control. Because the situation cannot continue. After this school fee there will be another and another, and eventually he will have to stop working, then need more and more expensive medical care. Intervene now before they dig themselves deeper in debt. Pay the $8,000 or don't, but insist that they live within their means going forward.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any suggestions, but you write really beautifully and explained your feelings very well. I am so glad your dad paid for you, a female, to get an education.

As to your brother saying your parents shouldn't have had so many kids, perhaps your parents didn't have access to birth control since they lived in poverty. He's a jerk. No money for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say you can just focus on yourself, but in this case, you and your older sibling basically got all of the resources to pull the family up and you need to honor the obligation to pull those other two kids up. And then you all need to take care of your parents. I think this is the only way out of the type of poverty you take from and your parents were doing exactly what they should have for the good of the family. So, give as much as you can.

This. You really do owe them in this scenario. Yes, you and your brother didn't "choose" how your dad spent his money, but you certainly didn't decline it or tell him to save it for your siblings. To be perfectly honest, in your shoes, I would be focusing on trying to get a better paying job so that I could send more home. You absolutely need to make sure you're covered first, but I would do what I could to help as much as possible, even if I had to work in a job I liked less but paid more.

[Anonymous]

OP: is your dad working or not? Your OP says he is retired but then you say he works.

How is he EVER going to pay off all of the loans he already has? You are literally going to have to send them money every month until they pass at this rate.

[Anonymous]

As an Asian (Chinese American, not Indian American), I understand the familial obligation and sympathize. I think at a minimum, you owe your younger siblings an education like you got. Your parents sacrificed everything to get you out of poverty to a better life here in the US. You owe the younger siblings the same. If you don't make much working at a non-profit, I would take a second part-time job to make more money to send so that your siblings can get a decent enough education to get a similar push out of poverty as you had. After they graduate from school, they can give back by helping to support your parents in their old age. Another option is to consider working towards a better paying job than working in non-profit so that you make more money and can send more back.

That said, you should send what you can afford by cutting back on disposable income. Don't strip yourself of the ability to pay rent or necessities, but cutting out extraneous expenses or luxuries is the type of sacrifice that should be made.

I know that it is difficult to have such an obligation, but it really is not fair to abandon your parents and siblings just because you were oldest. It is definitely not the Asian mentality to abandon family like that. I'm sorry that you have that burden, but if I were in your shoes, I would not be able to sleep or enjoy any of the fruits of my income if I did not send what I could back to the family.

[Anonymous]

So where would you be right now if they hadn't paid for your education?

Did you contribute towards your education?

It sounds like your parents would have been better off to have done things differently and fund post secondary they could afford versus spending all their money on you. I don't know if you wanted to go to a good school in Britain or if that was all their idea.

I think you should contribute back. You benefited as an adult from their generosity to give you the life you have, all you are doing is paying it forward