Family in a financial mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am thankful all the responses.

I feel awful. I am a woman and it is really revolutionary that my dear father went out of his way to ensure that me and my siblings, including all of my sisters were given the best education his money can buy. He pulled himself out of a rural village to make it in the city and desperately wanted us to do and be better. He selflessly made sure we were set up to have more than he did and didn't have any social or academic hindrances.

I have been living in the U.S and work for a nonprofit. I do not earn very much and I help out with major emergency expenses my parents have. My little brother just graduated from college and doesn't earn very much either but he is already mentally tired of the idea of helping out our family and feels as one of the above posters. That it wasn't his say that he was put in this position. Now that he is here, instead of saving and building his life, he is expected to support his siblings. He always calls hime and yells at my mother about why they had so many kids if they couldn't afford to educate them.

Its become really bad. I feel tremendous guilt but also I don't make enough to cover all their expenses. So I can't truly solve their problems. :\ Feeling very blue.

You grew up in rural poverty in India or you grew up in the middle class? You stated both in your first post but it has to be one or the other.

You need to obtain more gainful employment as you need to build up your own wealth or you will repeat the cycle of your parents. Working for a nonprofit is nice and all but you litterally can't afford to do so.

You can continue to help support your parents but make sure you are also funding your own retirement or again you will repeat the cycle with your kids of going into debt and then needing help in retirement.

Your parents are asking for the whole school fee because you will pay it. It's possible they don't actually need the whole amount and could actually pay some of it themselves. People in serious debt have a scarcity mentality they will hoard cash for "necessities" - food, travel, entertainment, entertaining, and so on. In other words, they have extra money but they don't want to use it to pay debt or any expense that they can get someome else to cover.

Is the debt true actual debt from a bank that requires actual repayments every monthy with a penalty for not paying? Or are these debts borrowed money from family/friends and it's just the idea of owning these people that is the "debt" you are talking about and their is no actual plan or idea to really ever pay them back? I have seen the later very often amongst my Indian friends. They talk about owning money but it's more that the person holds it over their head vs, any actually repayment expected. The "repayment" if you will is the years of guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

[Anonymous]

Could your sister move here and go to school at an American high school?

[Anonymous]

GoFundme

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone support a gofundme in this instance? It’s not like they are living in abject poverty or in a dire situation with no way out. She should change her job and her brother needs to grow up and stop being selfish.

Two words for you and your brother - filial piety. It’s the basis of our Asian roots especially as first generation immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am thankful all the responses.

I feel awful. I am a woman and it is really revolutionary that my dear father went out of his way to ensure that me and my siblings, including all of my sisters were given the best education his money can buy. He pulled himself out of a rural village to make it in the city and desperately wanted us to do and be better. He selflessly made sure we were set up to have more than he did and didn't have any social or academic hindrances.

I have been living in the U.S and work for a nonprofit. I do not earn very much and I help out with major emergency expenses my parents have. My little brother just graduated from college and doesn't earn very much either but he is already mentally tired of the idea of helping out our family and feels as one of the above posters. That it wasn't his say that he was put in this position. Now that he is here, instead of saving and building his life, he is expected to support his siblings. He always calls hime and yells at my mother about why they had so many kids if they couldn't afford to educate them.

Its become really bad. I feel tremendous guilt but also I don't make enough to cover all their expenses. So I can't truly solve their problems. :\ Feeling very blue.

You grew up in rural poverty in India or you grew up in the middle class? You stated both in your first post but it has to be one or the other.

You need to obtain more gainful employment as you need to build up your own wealth or you will repeat the cycle of your parents. Working for a nonprofit is nice and all but you litterally can't afford to do so.

You can continue to help support your parents but make sure you are also funding your own retirement or again you will repeat the cycle with your kids of going into debt and then needing help in retirement.

Your parents are asking for the whole school fee because you will pay it. It's possible they don't actually need the whole amount and could actually pay some of it themselves. People in serious debt have a scarcity mentality they will hoard cash for "necessities" - food, travel, entertainment, entertaining, and so on. In other words, they have extra money but they don't want to use it to pay debt or any expense that they can get someome else to cover.

Is the debt true actual debt from a bank that requires actual repayments every monthy with a penalty for not paying? Or are these debts borrowed money from family/friends and it's just the idea of owning these people that is the "debt" you are talking about and their is no actual plan or idea to really ever pay them back? I have seen the later very often amongst my Indian friends. They talk about owning money but it's more that the person holds it over their head vs, any actually repayment expected. The "repayment" if you will is the years of guilt.

OP's father grew up poor. OP grew up indian middle class (parents are government workers). OP's father wanted his kids to be indian upper class/american UMC and spent on education - and continues to spend - like those classes do. he is confusing correlation with causation. in any case, OP now has an UMC job albeit on a american middle class salary. that is not enough to propel the rest of the family to indian upper class/american UMC.

[Anonymous]

Lots and lots of cultural expectations here. Isnt this a normal dynamic in Asian families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

Enlighten me. DH and I went to medical school because, I dunno, you cannot practice medicine without an education in America. Why is our reason any different from kids who go to college in Scandinavia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

Enlighten me. DH and I went to medical school because, I dunno, you cannot practice medicine without an education in America. Why is our reason any different from kids who go to college in Scandinavia?

a vast majority of kids in the USA go to college to have fun and pursue entirely useless degrees. only very few become doctors. your case is not at all typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

Enlighten me. DH and I went to medical school because, I dunno, you cannot practice medicine without an education in America. Why is our reason any different from kids who go to college in Scandinavia?

a vast majority of kids in the USA go to college to have fun and pursue entirely useless degrees. only very few become doctors. your case is not at all typical.

Lol. You're a complete idiot. Wow. You obviously have a very low opinion of Americans and know very little about this country. What makes you an expert on this topic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

Enlighten me. DH and I went to medical school because, I dunno, you cannot practice medicine without an education in America. Why is our reason any different from kids who go to college in Scandinavia?

a vast majority of kids in the USA go to college to have fun and pursue entirely useless degrees. only very few become doctors. your case is not at all typical.

Lol. You're a complete idiot. Wow. You obviously have a very low opinion of Americans and know very little about this country. What makes you an expert on this topic?

Components of this thread are disturbing. Nothing from OP, but the idea that a college degree is wasteful if you're not becoming a doctor, lawyer, etc. There are people that go to school and enter the workforce with the idea of changing the world and contributing to society despite the fact they will spend money for a degree and not spend their life making buckets of money in return. Teachers are very good examples--many of whom have masters degrees and walk knowingly into thankless jobs. You'll be very thankful one day for the people that have taken these roles in life--the EMT that saves your life, the teacher that educates your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

Enlighten me. DH and I went to medical school because, I dunno, you cannot practice medicine without an education in America. Why is our reason any different from kids who go to college in Scandinavia?

a vast majority of kids in the USA go to college to have fun and pursue entirely useless degrees. only very few become doctors. your case is not at all typical.

Lol. You're a complete idiot. Wow. You obviously have a very low opinion of Americans and know very little about this country. What makes you an expert on this topic?

Components of this thread are disturbing. Nothing from OP, but the idea that a college degree is wasteful if you're not becoming a doctor, lawyer, etc. There are people that go to school and enter the workforce with the idea of changing the world and contributing to society despite the fact they will spend money for a degree and not spend their life making buckets of money in return. Teachers are very good examples--many of whom have masters degrees and walk knowingly into thankless jobs. You'll be very thankful one day for the people that have taken these roles in life--the EMT that saves your life, the teacher that educates your child.

You know what? I'm grateful for the doctors that kept me from dying before I grew up. I'm grateful for the lawyer that helped me end an abusive marriage. That is irrelevant to the question of whether or not OP should look for a better paying job to help repay the debt her father took on for her education. It is also irrelevant to whether or not her siblings will be afforded the same opportunity she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your brother is an ungrateful asshole, and it's telling that "you can see his point of view". your parents made many mistakes, most obviously, invest so heavily in their oldest children at the expense of their younger children, and also, by misunderstanding education at american schools. you would have been better off studying medicine in india and then coming to the US.

When poor people become lower middle class and want to educate their children, they are not very aware of educational pathways or how to plan financially. Poverty in India is different from poverty in US. OP's father have achieved a lot by educating his kids in the first place because that is unussual in India. Free and quality K-12 educatuon like in the US is not available to the majority of children and where it is available the aim is to make student literate not educated.

OP, it is not fun to be poor and this kind of chronic scarcity you and your family are undergoing can make you become negative and depressed. You and your family need to sit together and work out a budget and get a fair idea of what the true financial picture is. You have to help and pay at least the money spent on you (the loan and interest) back to your parents before you can think of walking away. The same must be shared with your sibling who is feeling tremendous stress.

Look for loan forgiveness plan as well as start a GoFundMe if you need to. Fundraise, ask for charity and loan forgiveness. There is a way out of this darkness but your siblings have to be educated to stand on their own two feet

OP's father was a government worker so he himself must have been educated. he evidently knew about education to pick up a private school in britain for his kids. what he did not know is that americans go to college for reasons that are entirely different from the rest of the world (and that will change eventually, and painfully).

Enlighten me. DH and I went to medical school because, I dunno, you cannot practice medicine without an education in America. Why is our reason any different from kids who go to college in Scandinavia?

a vast majority of kids in the USA go to college to have fun and pursue entirely useless degrees. only very few become doctors. your case is not at all typical.

Lol. You're a complete idiot. Wow. You obviously have a very low opinion of Americans and know very little about this country. What makes you an expert on this topic?

Components of this thread are disturbing. Nothing from OP, but the idea that a college degree is wasteful if you're not becoming a doctor, lawyer, etc. There are people that go to school and enter the workforce with the idea of changing the world and contributing to society despite the fact they will spend money for a degree and not spend their life making buckets of money in return. Teachers are very good examples--many of whom have masters degrees and walk knowingly into thankless jobs. You'll be very thankful one day for the people that have taken these roles in life--the EMT that saves your life, the teacher that educates your child.

You know what? I'm grateful for the doctors that kept me from dying before I grew up. I'm grateful for the lawyer that helped me end an abusive marriage. That is irrelevant to the question of whether or not OP should look for a better paying job to help repay the debt her father took on for her education. It is also irrelevant to whether or not her siblings will be afforded the same opportunity she has.

You're deflecting from what I posted. I certainly wasn't implying that lawyers and doctors don't also perform very important functions in our society. I am stating that many responses have an underlying tone of classism that disturbs me. From the poster that said the vast majority of American kids go to university to party to the other poster that said it's a disgrace to work in a non-profit if your parents paid for you to go to college. My post is relevant to the observations I'm sharing, regardless of whether they relate to OP's question. Obviously I wasn't responding to her question since I stated she didn't appear to be participating in the innuendos I'm referring to.

[Anonymous]

OP, try to ignore these weirdos fighting back-and-forth with their posts.

I mean this directly to you: do what you can and continue to let them know you love and support them. Because it sounds like they will not be getting any of this from your brother. It is interesting that he went into finance probably in part because it seems to be such a mystery concept in your family with your father’s financial choices. Your dad is not a bad guy, he didn’t do any differently that many Americans themselves do in terms of having too much credit and being burdened don’t with repayments.

You cannot change your brothers decisions or his spending habits and how he values his money.He is probably now also getting his values from his American girlfriend who doesn’t understand the cultural values. Clearly he puts higher value on how he lives his life than repaying back his own father. I would only point out to your brother that even knowing that his relationship with his parents is ending, your father probably still would’ve made the same choice all these years, just to get the kids out of poverty in in a better situation. It’s really sad that all the things he did to make a better life for his son could result in him losing the relationship.

FWIW I am an immigrant who has never been able to afford working in the nonprofit field though it would be fun. I have always taken the highest paying job I could even if there were less than ideal aspects.